Tomorrow is the Zombie and Ozzy concert, yay! I never intended to go but Molly offered a free ticket so why not. It’s a little s**t that there’s no floor, there all seats but no moshing. Really bull, who goes to a concert without moshing? Last time I went to see Zombie he was playing with Anthrax, we were late, and then I started having issues breathing. But it’s true, he’s hotter in person (and it takes a lot for me to say a guy is hot).
I’m ashamed to say I’ve been drawn into reality TV, been watching A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. She’s not actually really attractive but Dani and Brian are.
Finally I have internet back and its DSL, yay! Now all I’ve got to do is run my updates a million times plus restarts and it’ll be great. My favorite torrent spot was banned in America, does anyone know of a good torrent search or provider. I’m having trouble fining torrents without viruses or Trojans since these other websites; the people don’t leave comments or that’s not a given function to their service.
Evicted again at least we only moved a block and a half away from our previous apartment. This is going to be a bad year, Mark now works two jobs and now that we have internet he doesn’t do anything…more than before. Two weeks ago he spent $200 on a new cell phone; it’s not even needed. All he does is text message his ******** buddies. Fat a**. And you know I’m supposing he’s a pervert…I’m mean sickly. I wear a tank top and catch him looking down my shirt when I bend over. Granted I have pretty decent sized boobs I’m kind of his step daughter you don’t do that. And it’s a little sick. My friend, she works with him and he always stares at her funny. But you know he’s probably just staring at he boobs also. You’re 34 years old learn to control yourself! You perverted *****, loser! I’m so ******** sick of him. He disgusts me and claims to be such a great father. I’m the father. At least my mom works and sleeps a lot but she still tries pretty well to take care of her ids now, he doesn’t. I have no life; I’m not permitted a life.
It disturbs me in The Door to December the detective interviews a woman that’s been brainwashed by a sadist to become a masochist and do whatever he wants. Throughout the interview with her she keeps saying I exist for what they (men, in sex or whatever else they want to do) want to do. And for what purpose do I feel I have to please others. I have played mommy and daddy to both my brothers for 4 years now and I sometimes feel so sad that I can’t say look at my kids. Because they’re not…they might as well be. My stress and anger has gained such a weight I need more to do…but what am I supposed to do? I please. It’s all I’m really good at…not school, cleaning, loving, working, games, singing, art, dancing, anything. But sex; that I’ve got down. And what’s my life for? To please my lover and be a surrogate mother/father. Everyone says “oh my life sucks” and “oh I have no friends” but look what I have I have one whole friend, all the others have either left me or I’ve abandoned them. It’s too hard to have friends in high school. All the drama and bullshit. They need to grow up and I can’t stand it. I don’t have a cell phone, I have a Net10 phone and once it runs out of minutes I can’t afford more. It’s only for emergencies…it’s not fair that Mark (almost 35 years old) gets a cell phone and the teen in the house doesn’t. I’m tired of growing up when I shouldn’t have to. If it wasn’t for Max I wouldn’t be stable still. I actually need to be in a relationship just for a table personality. I never feel love from my mother and cry when I see parents loving their kids. I never get a thank you or I love you from her she jut yells and demeans me. She says he doesn’t but she does. When I cry in front of her she hates me and calls me a crybaby. I’ve starved myself everyday for weeks because the new birth control made me gain a lot of weight and I feel ugly. It didn’t make me gain the weight it’s just I’ve started eating more junk food than before because that’s all there is to eat. Maybe if I was skinny and pretty like all the other “normal” girls my mother would be more proud of me. But nothing’s ever enough for her…and I exhibit the same thing and I hate myself more for that. Nothing’s ever enough for me…from those I love, from anything I do. And I just block it out…when I’ve been asked “what’s on your mind” how do I respond? Nothing. There’s nothing on my mind because when I think I either feel stupid, disappoint myself more, or just hate myself a little more. It’s a sap story and I’m tired of it. And I’ve never been a table persona. Aver since childhood I’ve been skewed. I was never happy…I was but deep inside I hated the world. Hated people but especially m mother. I wanted to rule the world and destroy everything civilization has strived for years. It wasn’t my mother’s fault; I had a great childhood and I was happy. I loved my life but I would sit at night and hate everything I saw around me even myself. And I hated god, I never believed in that bull. The world and the people in it infuriated me until I found sex. Sex was fun, and made me realize that people were good to have for it. And o maybe I didn’t hate people as much as I had thought before. But now…I just hate myself.
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Memoirs of an Addict
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