As I was browsing through the Hell Hole Of Doom I like to call my laptop, I came across the diary we were meant to write on our Outdoor Ed camp to a lake we Kalgoorlian’s fondly like to refer to as Puddle Douglas, due to it’s incredible lack of water, and also to some random campsite somewhere near there they take other youngsters like ourselves for torture sessions. Now, as we were walking around this so called “Lake”, I was the one conned into keeping the record of all goings on. This is what I came up with, and turned in to the teacher to get us a fantastic D in Outdoor Ed:
Saturday 22nd March 2005
The torment begins
6:00: First thought of day; 'Ow' as dragged out by hyperactive sister by left foot. Sister departs, pointing and laughing. I thought that was MY job.
6:01: Second thought of day; 's**t.'
6:01:01: Third, fourth and fifth thoughts of the day, respectively; 's**t,' 's**t' and 's**t.'
6:30: Have shower.
6:50: Realize shower was complete waste of time and effort as will become disheveled stinking mess covered in mud and grass-already-passed-through-a-cow in approximately three hours' time.
6:51: oh well.
6:52: Sarah phones. Attempt to get her off phone unsuccessful. Sarah has a particular skill at hanging on phones.
7:15: managed to get off phone. Need to sort out first aid kit, lunch, spare clothes, waterproofs, have breakfast and set off in 15 minutes. s**t.
Attempt to eat breakfast at same time as packing bag, making lunch, folding clothes, and putting on boots.
Attempt not exactly success.
7:17: Am severely reprimanded by dad for 'making too much noise which will wake your poor darling little sister.' Obviously does not realize sister was up an hour ago pulling me out of bed and is now shamming sleep in order to get me into trouble.
Dad = stupid brainless naive moron.
Sister = hyperactive insensitive evil little cow.
Am almost glad to be getting away from them for a day and a half.
Actually...wouldn't quite go that far.
7:32: in car. Watch as house slowly recedes into distance. Feel deeply sorry for self, esp. as dad is humming cheerful jaunty tune entirely unsuitable under tragical circumstances.
Suspect dad finds idea of me walking 20km funny.
b*****d.
7:43: s**t. Where are the tent poles?
7:45: cannot remember if have tent poles.
7:46: What if I don't have tent poles? I will be ostracized and hated for the rest of my life. Suggestions to the effect that the 'rest of my life' might be a very short time if I really have forgotten tent poles not well received. Suggestions to sleep kneeling up also not well received.
7:47: decide to pray to all gods I know, including ones invented by Terry Pratchett.
7:49: Stephanie appears.
7:49:30: Stephanie has tent poles.
Had to lean on minibus for support as overcome by relief and joy, the first time have felt relief and joy since gotten up this morning. Endorphins good.
7:52: Stephanie says she has forgotten Archer's.
7:52:01: I say, 'you are a silly cow, but as long as you've got our breakfast it's all right.'
7:52:02: Slow look of realization crawls painfully over Stephanie's face.
7:54: Stephanie says, 'I knew I'd forgotten something.'
7:54:01: In shock.
8:00: Recover sufficiently from shock to attempt to assault Stephanie physically. Unfortunately was unable to inflict serious damage as was restrained by seat belt. Seat belt most uncooperative. Called her names instead, and vowed to rip her head off the minute we step off the minibus.
10:00: or thereabouts. Arrive. Attempt to assault Stephanie fails miserably as she leaps out nimbly while I fall over step of minibus. As I recover, the thought strikes me that if I rip her head off, I will have to carry the tent poles, the mentholated spirits, and the cooking equipment. On the plus side, I will have gotten rid of Stephanie for good and I will also have her chocolate.
Decide in end to rip her head off as satisfaction of taking revenge outweighs all possible cons.
10:10: Damn. Stephanie protected by Mrs. Maslin, who is treating her blister. Suspect 'blister' is hoax by Stephanie in order to gain company of Mrs. Maslin in effort to ward off my murderous attacks. Cannot attack Stephanie in Mrs. Maslin's presence. Godammit.
10:15: Emma, Lauren and Becky arrive. All head for children's playground nearby. Are they year 10s or not?
10:16: Emma spots slide.
10:16:30: Emma attempts to hurdle over a 5ft wall in a misguided attempt to get to the slide, whilst wearing her hiking boots.
Attempt interesting.
Later realizes there was a gate.
Slide was wet anyway.
Ha!
10:17: bored. Decide to continue feeling sorry for self.
10:40: Mr. Heron heartlessly abandons us to fend for ourselves in the vast, bleak wilderness of the so called “beautiful Australian bush land“ to make the looong walk to the great and mighty puddle, after describing graphically the apparent swarms of tics which infest the grass and the exact way and shape in which they will swell up and vomit into your veins and give you various unpleasant diseases.
Feel sorry for myself.
10:50: We work out that we have been holding the map upside down.
10:55: Still feeling sorry for myself. Pack also seems to have become several times heavier in a matter of five minutes. Wonder morbidly if pack is actually evil alien creature sucking up my energy in order to create mass for itself. Suspect pack has good grasp of conversation of energy and mass. Using E = MC2 it is possible to surmise that in approximately an hour I will have collapsed on the floor and the bag will be the size and shape of Manhattan.
Not promising prospect.
11:00: Still feeling sorry for myself.
11:05: Finally reach a field, having battled through a path of very sociable and affectionate Bindi (Biiig ******** prickles) bushes. Bindi’s obviously have difficulties with personal relationships. Do not understand when someone is obviously disinterested and continues to try to entwine themselves around your neck. Suggest Bindi see relationship therapist, or at least a counselor.
Feel deeply sorry for myself.
In other news, was slightly disturbed by Emma running through fields manically waving arms and screaming, 'the tics! The tics!'
We told her to stop before she got out of sight.
She gave us a bemused stare and explained in a pitiful voice (while running and waving arms);
'I can't stop. If I stop, they will get me! They could be anywhere! Here! There! Anywhere! They could be ON me, NOW! They could be CATCHING UP! No! Help!'
11:07: catch up with Emma. Still waving arms and saying, 'the tics' to the universe in general. Tried to convince her tics couldn't saw through two layers of material as head smaller than pinhead, therefore she should be quite safe.
Do not think she was convinced. She did not stop.
11:36: Mud. Prickles. s**t.
Path possibly most unpleasant place I have ever been in my life, except for school. Reminded me unavoidably of year 8 change rooms, though path was considerably less squalid and more fragrant.
11:49 Stephanie managed to get shoe stuck in mud.
How, I have no idea.
Stephanie has some sort of gift for doing stupid things which are remarkably difficult to achieve. She does not content herself with the mere doings of a stupid person. She goes out of her way to do stupid deeds which no normal person would ever find themselves in a position which would allow them to do such deeds. In this I suppose Stephanie is unique and I am lucky to have a friend like her. The idea is not particularly comforting.
12:15: get lost.
12:20: still lost.
12:21: still lost.
12:22: Decide nothing will continue to happen if do not take decisive action to become unlost.
12:35: Took decisive action.
Now are even more lost.
12:37: attempt to work out where we are from map. Map most unhelpful. Matters not helped by Becky and Lauren claiming to be viciously attacked by an evil mutant killer bee with enough venom to kill 10,000 people (as judged by depth and quality of screams.) Screaming loud and persistent, and monumentally irritating.
12:38: still screaming.
12;39: Cannot get them to shut up. My brain hurts.
12:40: Silence.
Becky and Lauren have discovered there is an emu in the ditch with them.
Before you could not get them to shut their mouths. Now it is difficult to persuade them to breathe.
It takes much coaxing to get them to even move. Frustrating.
In other news, still lost.
13:16: Discover wasn't lost after all.
All worrying and frustration wasted. Pathetic.
14:56: arrive at Lake Douglas. Plaque proclaims Lake Douglas is place of outstanding natural beauty and cultural heritage. Utter crap. Lake Douglas is a uninteresting wasteland with piles of s**t around for miles, its levels of bleakness and horribleness only slightly milder than Mordor.
Cannot move anymore. Don't care if Lake Douglas similar to Mordor. Screw everything. Must have lunch now.
14:57: rain starts.
Everyone puts on raincoats, hats, gloves. Attempt to eat lunch while swathed in miles of plastic and wool spectacular in its intense messiness.
Stephanie looks poetically into the rain. Gets wet.
15:05: Stephanie looks down at herself. She says, 'I'm wet.'
I suggest she puts on her raincoat.
15:10: Stephanie takes out raincoat.
15:15: Stephanie unfolds raincoat.
15:20: Stephanie inserts one arm into raincoat.
15:30: Stephanie finally puts raincoat on.
15:30:01: rain stops.
Pathetic.
15:40: set off, having consumed three quarters of my chocolate. I told father that one giant bar of chocolate was insufficient. Father merely said, 'nonsense, darling.' Stupid jerk.
There is no such thing as too much chocolate, at least not on an Outdoor Ed expedition.
16:07: encounter ENORMOUS pile of s**t in path; resembling, in size and shape, Robin’s (One of the rather unfriendly boys in our year) head. Takes photo to give to him and laugh about later. Approximately ten million flies are gathered on it (Urgh.) Emma attempts to charge them.
Charge ends in demoralization of entire team and psychological trauma for Emma as flies charge her instead.
We go through some bindi bushes instead. Why can't people control their horses and tell them not to do their business in the middle of the ******** path, but in some nice, shady, quiet spot somewhere? Why can't sheep and cows be trained to use toilets? Or at least some form of basic potty training. So selfish.
16:20: We suddenly realize that we haven't actually taken any photos for our 'purpose' yet. In case you don't know, the purpose is some stupid thing which you have to do for your Outdoor Ed as a group report. Ours was to find living things. New living things.
As of yet, have discovered no new species of rare sheep. Feel slighted.
We use a few twigs and a fern to make a 'giant stick insect' instead.
Um.
Perhaps we'll get credit for originality?
In other news, were passed by some freaks on bicycles, wearing stupid lycra. Lycra-wearing people annoy me. They should be culled.
They shouted, 'hello! Are you on the Outdoor Ed camp then?'
We said, 'yes.'
They said, 'oh, then you must be lost. Turn around and walk in the opposite direction.'
I could have resisted the urge to make an obscene hand gesture to them behind their backs, but I didn't. Sometimes you need to give in to things.
17:10: To take our minds off the pain, we begin to make up songs. Noise of singing particularly dreadful as none of us except for Kim are supremely talented, and also we are completely exhausted. Songs rather interesting, in my personal opinion.
To be sung to the tune of 'twinkle twinkle little star;'
'Walking up the hill so far,
God I wish I had a car.
There's a river up ahead.
I really wish I was in bed.
Think we're nearly at the end...
s**t. We've taken the wrong bend.'
Kinda sums it all up, really, doesn't it?
sometime in the evening: reach campsite. Exhausted. Bleurgh. Mozzies everywhere. Mud. Other group have nicked nice spot for tents, we have to camp under tree. With ******** Mozzies. In supremely muddy spot.
Bleurgh. Bleurgh bleurgh bleurgh. I'm the one who has to take the tent back and air it on Monday. Ick.
******** mozzies. Ow!
20:30: Attempt to cook. At water pump, notice sign saying, 'WARNING! Do NOT leave food in tents, as kangaroo’s will steal it.'
Laughed, or at least, tried to laugh, as stomach was too painful from evil pack to make more than a sort of weak, 'urrrrr,' sound.
Looked out for roos, and left tent door open for long time, with jar of hot chocolate inside, hoping for a kangaroo to steal it. Sadly, no show. Some people have all the luck.
20:40: Mozzies everywhere. Try clapping to send them away, which initially worked, but they came back in about five minutes.
Lauren gets out Citronella, mozzie repellent supreme. We spray it everywhere. Sound effects added. Accompanied by, 'die you evil bastards, die!' and 'eat Citronella, mozzie scum!'
Would have been fun, but Citronella smell absolutely vile. Lauren also has no sense of discrimination in where she sprays it as she literally douses our pasta in it. Thanks, Lauren.
20:41: Lauren reads instructions of Citronella pack.
We learn it is not for spraying on mozzies, but for rubbing on us.
As it is for rubbing on us, it is designed not to come off with water.
Cooking equipment saturated with Citronella.
Yay.
20:56: Food tastes of Citronella. Bleurgh. You have not suffered until you have eaten mushroom and Citronella flavored pasta sauce. Hell on a plate.
Almost as bad as my dad‘s pasta.
21:10: Stephanie gets hands smeared all over with soot from bottom of pan. Smears it on face. Smears it on MY face. We have fight, settle differences, and eventually decide to smear it on everyone else's faces instead.
Too late we discover we have no soap.
Spent next twenty minutes scrubbing faces desperately with wet tissues. Ended up sort of gray smudged color.
Oh well. Could be called artistic.
21:30: decide to go to bed soon. Everyone else round campfire, breathing in carbon monoxide and bitching about teachers. In front of a teacher. I judge this unwise, and go to bed.
Don't believe them when they say, 'the soothing sounds of the Australian bush land...a little Kookaburra, singing delicately in the trees, the soothing calm of the country as a whole, pleasant scents of flowers...' All lies. As a rule, Kookaburra’s don‘t sing delicately. It was like trying to go to sleep alongside the freeway.
Also, bitching went on for quite some time. For first time in my life, do not feel up to bitching randomly about many people. Argh!
Outdoor Ed obviously not good for my mental state.
Sunday 23rd March
6:00: wake up, turn over, and try to go back to sleep.
Turning over not successful as in sleeping bag and also extremely stiff. Was like trying to flip a rolled up carpet over without unrolling it using two chopsticks.
Also freezing. Feet are numb due to cold.
I thought this was meant to be March.
Ah well, Australia. Joy.
6:10: cannot stand cold any longer. Get up and get dressed. Put on all clothes can find. Still cold. Consider stealing some of Stephanie and Emma's spare clothes and putting them on, but cannot find them, so have to go back to sleeping bag. ******** freezing.
7:30: Stephanie wakes up. Sits up. Says, 'right. First things first.'
7:30:30: Stephanie gets out eyeliner and mirror, and begins to do eyeliner.
7:31: Eyeliner lead breaks. I suggest lead ran away from fear of Stephanie's face. First bitchy comment of day! Yay! Go me!
Stephanie hits me.
Ow.
8:00: Stagger out of tent to discover other group have gotten up and have lit fire and are having breakfast. They are not natural. How anyone can go around being cheerful, industrious and bright at this time on a Sunday morning in the middle of nowhere having spent the night freezing to death with two other people on a sleeping mat marginally more comfortable than a roll of sandpaper is beyond me.
Smug little cows.
8:30: Wonder if can scrounge breakfast off anyone?
Give Stephanie accusing look as walk by. Accusing look completely wasted on her unfortunately as was still occupied with eyeliner. Stupid vanity. It's not as if you will meet anyone out here, and if you did, they'd surely be the insanely cheerful fitness freak type who enjoy walking up and down hills for fun. Why bother?
On the plus side, I suppose Stephanie in eyeliner would probably scare away the cows.
And the mozzies.
9:00: had breakfast. Managed to get together;
1 tin of beans.
2 pieces of bread.
1 roll.
2 packets of crisps.
and 2 packets of Cup-a-soup.
Also some hot chocolate.
Don't know why I bothered listing all the food we had. It's not as if you could tell the difference anyway. They all tasted exactly the same.
Of Citronella.
9:30: Lauren and Becky's stove out of control. They are incapable of putting a measly little fire out. Becky decides to leave it to burn out by itself.
They leave it.
There is such a thing as wind, you know.
And lo and behold, the wind blows their waterproof plastic sheet straight onto the fire. Horrible smell. Big hole in plastic sheet. Unpleasant mess on Tangia stove. And they're going to have to clean it up. Ha!
Feel more cheerful already.
10:00: set off up the road. Mr. Heron drives up behind us and asks us why we are walking up the hill. We say because it's quicker. He tells us that we're a load of brainless morons and insists we walk downhill around a much longer route instead.
Evil. Evil evil evil.
Would have said something offensive to him but did not have energy.
Emma gave us an energy tablet each. Feel glucose rushing into system. Yay! Glucose good.
10:10: Lauren gives us an energy tablet each.
Mmm, glucose.
10:20: Emma gives us an energy tablet each.
Find self considering whether there are any side effects to eating too many energy tablets.
If there are, screw them. I don't care. La la la, I'm happy.
10:30: begin singing as desperate attempt to take mind off pain. Discover to shock, horror, and subsequent shame that we all know the words and tune to every single song in the Sound of Music, even though have not seen said pathetic crappy family sentimental schmucky film for at least two or three years. Re-enacted the 'doe, a deer,' song with hand movements and twirling.
Got many odd looks from passers-by. Feel proud.
Sang our way through Singing in the Rain, Whistle Down the Wind, Evita, and countless Disney films. And the Simpsons.
'Simpson, Homer Simpson, he's the greatest guy in history!
From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. ARGH!'
Hehehehehehehehe!
Hmm.
Suspect might be high.
Suspect might be something to do with glucose tablets.
Oh well. La la la.
11:50: reached first checkpoint. Collapsed outside loos with Stephanie. Mr. Heron asked me if I habitually sat outside men's toilets. Suspect he thought that was an amusing and sophisticated witty remark. Was not. Would have sniped bitchily at him, but was too exhausted. Gave him Evil Eye instead.
Evil Eye wobbly. Possibly due to too many energy tablets.
Speaking of which, Lauren just gave me another one. Yay! Go glucose!
Am considering compiling stockpile of glucose when arrive home and taking intravenously each morning to prepare for daily hell of school. Very appealing thought.
La la la.
14:00: begin singing songs. Again. Are exhausted and in danger of collapse, so sing. Admit don't quite see logic there, but hey.
Made up own verses for 'My Favorite Things.' Dimly remember Emma's had something to do with money. Mine of course was spectacular.
'Dreaming of ruling the world and being rich.
Insulting people and being a b***h.
Going with friends to see Lord of the Rings...
These are a few of my favorite things!'
Hehe!
That just sums me up, really. Tried to get mention of Chris Egan in there, but far too difficult for me. Besides, a mere song would not do him justice.
14:30: reach lunch point. Small cute dog appears and begs for food. Gets food. I feel affronted. Lauren attempts to soothe me by giving me something edible. Still felt affronted that a mere dog could get so much food by wagging its tail whereas no one seemed to want to give ME any spare chocolate they happened to have lying around despite my obviously vastly superior wit and charm.
Lauren gives me energy tablet.
Feel better.
14:35: Dog is christened 'wanker.' Feel slightly sorry for it, but am much more occupied in feeling sorry for myself. It didn't deserve such a horrid name. Then again, Stephanie did name it, so it's not really that much of a surprise.
15:00: set off.
Becky stands in middle of road. Screams at bee.
Requires two people to take her by her arms and force her to walk.
Later discover was flower.
Hahahahahaha!
Suspect might be dangerously high.
* hiccup *. Oh well. Roll on the energy tablets.
15:15: Mr. Tudman appears, and says, 'there are cold drinks.'
Mad rush up hillside. Kim unmoved. She is clearly beyond help.
Get cold drinks. Get maltesers.
Life is worth living again. Sort of.
16:00: We attempt to play games in car. Stephanie tries to spell 'zebra' with an 'x', and Kim forgets what a 'road' is called.
Fresh country air obviously warped our brains. Must get back to town ASAP.
16:30: everyone asleep; or at least, WAS asleep. Woken up by our mad laughing. They blame us for our mental-ness; I blame the energy tablets.
17:00: School.
Have never been so glad to see school in entire life. Am ashamed.
Home, bath. Dad. Mum. Sister. All act as though I have just been out for pleasant casual two day jaunt, rather than two day living hell with s**t added.
No one appreciates me.
Feel unloved.
NEVER will do Outdoor Ed again.
17:30: feel bored.
Wonder if the servo sells energy tablets...
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