------I've been walking a tightrope the last few months. Feelings of hopelessness and death, intermingling with innate desire to live, eddying back and forth in my mind; like I'm bi-polar or something. I want to live. I want to die. I want to live. I want to die; akin to picking off petals in this imaginary flower in my brain. It's because of her. I wasn't scared of dying before I met her. It's also a heavy burden on her; she doesn't know about it though. But if I lose her I'll probably end myself; knowing me though I'd want to end it all right now. A part of me knows this isn't going to last forever and the older I get the more dissatisfied I feel about my own life. I feel like death is all I write about as of lately.
------I've met so many people as of lately; they remind me I'm not alone. But I also know people come and go. She asked me the other day if this is all that life is, that the older we get the more people from our past that we just miss. I didn't know what to tell her. One day she will be gone; I just want to cherish the present with her. Maybe its my complicated relationship with death that I am so desensitized about it. I can't just leave her alone. That's why I can't die yet.
- A.A.M
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I've been writing in this since I was thirteen in 2007. I still am writing in it, and it will probably be my legacy till the day I die. (Don't start reading from the beginning as my writing was atrocious then.)
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