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*Places letters in a sequence that happen to create words*
I'm starting to think that I've grown far too complacent with my life. It almost seems as if I'm just going through the motions, like I'm mindlessly droning from one day to the next, no clear goal or destination in mind. This worries me. Greatly. I don't want to live the rest of my life is this wretched city, yet I have done nothing about it. NOTHING.
I've been told during most of my life by those who've met me, those not of my family, that I was the intelligent one, the one that was bound to succeed, the one for whom the sky was the limit. Looking back now, I wonder what those people were thinking. I have no drive, no desire, no ambition to do anything. I simply exist. I know I'm at least competent enough to get a degree, but in what, I don't know. Competency aside, I also suffer from a dearth of fundage to go to said place of higher education. I can't even get a student loan since my father makes so much. Why that even figures into my application, I have no idea. It's not like he'd even consider sending me anything to help me along. Actually, that's not true. He would. It's my stepmother who'd deny me. Meh.
Some people around me have noted the distinct change in my demeanor as of late. One of them even asked me if I was suicidal. Heh. Depressed and apathetic, yes. Suicidal, no. Sure, I may be sullen and prone to emotions that span the spectrum between mania and apathy, but I'm not a suicide case in the making. I'm just in need of........ Something.
What that something is, I have no clear idea. I've many vague ones, though. I also know what probably brought about this current funk, or at least several of the events involved. I've had dreams crushed as easily as a bone, and I've experienced profound heartbreak, on more than one occassion. Why I'm putting this out here for all to see, I've no idea. I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me, after all, all these problems are wrought of my own hands, no one elses. I'm also not the type to easily let people get closer than arm's reach, so opening up in this way makes me feel especially vulnerable, which is something I usually avoid. Maybe I'm just airing out my own thoughts, and this happened to be the closest outlet. Who knows.
Maybe a change of scenery is in order. I've got several friends in a number of states across the US, and a few who reside in foreign lands. Many of them have put forth offers in the past to put me up while I get acclimated to the area, so that I may then become a member of their individual communities. Maybe it's time I took up one of these offers. A new city, a new state, or maybe even a new country or continent may be just the thing I need to snap out of this rut.
All I know is this: I need to find a way out of this mood that has siezed me, and fast. I need to regain my confidence, my drive, my......... Life. Too long have I been merely a passenger along the road of life, content to sit idle while others pass me by, happy with my meager existence. It's time I took up the reins, time I became a driver, time I poured my blood, sweat, and tears into forging my path. How I'll bring these things about, I don't know. What I do know is that it's time I start finding out how.
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