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The things that happen with me are part of experience and even though it seems like I am just to chicken to ever kill my self. Thing being is that I cannot express my self to any of our family members because they do not understand and they will never understand because they are not willing to accept the things about me and that is what blocks them from seeing the inner truth that I hold. We all have our inner power that will allow us to grow and evolve beyond passed of what we need. I will probley forever feel pain from what has happened to me but no matter the cost I have to move on even though it seems like I should not. I still wonder ever more as I look to the stars at night in hope of seek guidance from our ancesters. No one at home knows the things I do, and even our cousin seems to think I have gone off the deep end. (Uncle told me she thought like that.) No matter how much I try I cannot "fit in" with our family. They may love me but they don't truly know me. I have always felt alone and afraid even though I cannot physically say that. It is hard for me to express such things even to you. I love you and them as I do with my friends, but my friends seem to always understand me more. I am different then anyone else in the family. I shelter my self because of their misunderstanding about me so that I can keep them in the dark so they will never know my true intentions. I do this because they do not need to understand. No one knows how much I crave for love and how much I feel pain when I do not feel it. I seek attention from others to get it to only find out their feelings arn't true like mine are to them. I suppose in a way it seems to be all hopeless but I carry on due to the fact I cannot die by my own hands. It has to either happen by someone killing me or me going naturally. Either way I welcome it. I welcome death, I have all my life and I don't see much purpose in living other then to help others who need it. I seem to be under divine understanding, I can type it just fine but when it comes to actually saying it then it is extreamly hard. I guess for me I will always feel pain inside me because it is who I am and until the person comes along for me to finally get rid of that then I will always feel that way. But even so I believe I have found that person but he is with another and I hope to the universe its self that he will give her up sooner or later or perhaps she will leave him so that I can be with him. I love him but he loves her more then me which is why he chose her over me but even so everyday tears me appart. I find that even if I try to be with another those feelings will always stay no matter what. You may worry about me because of what I may do to my self, which in turn is caused by the person who made a choice and thus making not only me but you and many others suffer along with me. The collective of friends like that seems interesting to me. Maybe he will see how much he is hurting me and everyone else with out intentional purpose to, maybe then he will see that she is not being truly faithful as I can be. Or maybe possibly she will give him up for another man. I hope that she does and await for the day that I can be with my true love again. Thanks for caring about me, Raven :heart: :heart: :heart:

I hope your brother dosnt commit suicide! Your to much of a bright girl to be Depressed.......So please watch him carefully! heart wink whee