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I deserve some form or fashion of Hell... well, ladies and gentlemen, I just got it. In 12 lovely hours my life has come to screeching halt... A close friend of mine just sent me an e-mail... I'll quote some of it... "If (my boy friend) has been acting like a real jerk or an A-hole thats because its all intenional. He is doin this because he wants you to break up with him. I heard this from a girl that knows Brian, and then from (my boy friend) himself. I didn't beleive her at first but then (my boyfriend) started to talk about it and he told me. I'm telling you this because i don't want to see you get hurt you don't have to believe me but think about this stuff if his been acting a little different towards you this may be why."
Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah...
If anyone had any clue how much I was warned, how many people came up to me and called me an idiot... Hah hah hah... But did I listen? No. Did I doubt him? No. Did I listen to anyone else besides me? No no no. I'm too high and mighty for that. This girl is too good for advice. I know to much of course... God I'm a first class fool. I am an example for others not to follow, a sign of stupidity.. yep... that's me now... The fool. The moron. The blind person who can't keep her head out of her god friggin a** long enough to figure out where she is! I'm too stupid to look into a mirror and just... and just see what's there. I'm just too... too caught up in what I have. Too happy to even see past the next few hours...
My dog just got hit my a car.. has to hold it still while my neighbor shot it with a pistol between the shoudlers... I was the last thing it saw.
My friend's house burned down... Been helping out getting things together for them so they'll be all right... I've got a cut on my leg from glass and crap.. hurts like hell.
My Mom and I got into an actual fight... I was more worried about the baby whe's carrying then she was... needless to say... I've got tender ribs and a lovely knot on my head...
A friend of mine asked me out again... I told him to not hate... but to stop loving me. He gave me flowers and they're sitting here... Pretty much the only happy thing around me... I feel so... dirty, useless... Guilty. I feel like the most horrid person on earth...
As anyone can see... my weekened is going so great I'm thinking about just digging a hole, crawling in it, and not coming out for a few years... like maybe never. That'd make things a hell of a lot simpler I must say.
I'm tired... I'm weak... I'm stressed... I'm sick... I want to just push it all away and forget it... God that'd make everything so much easier... But, I deserve what I have recieved. I gave pain, I recieved it. I dealt lows, and recieved them. I had misery, and took part in it. I saw someone else lose a life, I have lost one in my arms... I have gotten what I deserve... And I am ready to forget it all...
I leave you all for the moment with one poem I wrote... it's not on topic, but none the less.... I'm ready to display it.

Do you remember
How I used to be
How I used to seem
Oh so carefree
Then there was no evil
No pain to overtake
No haunting choices
That I had to make
But then I knew love
How great some one could seem
To tell all your secrets
To hold them high in your esteem
My world was so perfect
Great in every way