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I'm breaking down... I can tell, I always can. It feels like I'm seperating... My thoughts and focus going one way and the rest of me ending up as some lifeless bundle that has no initiative, no response, and no will. I'm not sure if it's from meds, stress, fear, or what.... I just know what's happening and I hope it's not as bad as last time. I blacked out today, right in the hallway. I was walking and then blinked and was barely standing, leaning against the wall and breathing hard... No one even noticed. I suppose that's a blessing though... I don't have the strength to explain how I'm shutting down.
Chris... I'm so, so sorry. Sorry that I can't be of anymore help, sorry you have to be worried, sorry you have to deal with Donielle, sorry you try to take on my problems, sorry you want to just shut down and forget about everyone else, sorry I can't... sorry I can't make everything right. I'm sorry I can't fix things, really, I wish I could but I just.. I just can't. I'd do it if I could but... I'm 15... I've stretched myself way too much.
Anthony, I wish you didn't think that way... I wish I could tell you the truth about what happened 3 years ago and get you to believe me, but I can't. I saw you so much today and you have no idea how badly I wanted to explain everything... but since you aren't going to listen to me, I ask that you leave me alone. STOP following me from class to class, stop telling people about how I did stuff with Ray that I NEVER DID, and stop getting Britt to spread rumors. I had someone walk up to me in dance class, someone I've known for years, and she said "i can't believe you did that to your ex, and you actually wondered why he moved on?" She... You're just... I cried. Right there, in the locker room, I cried. I was sobbing this morning after I heard the voicemail you left me for Christ's sake. There, you happy? Is that what you want? You want me to just stop functioning because you came back to Lebanon? That is it right? I'm... what do you want from me? I'm waiting for the blackmail, I know it's coming so what do you want? I'm tired Andy... I'm tired, weak, and I can't stand it anymore. You've been calling me, e-mailing me, pming me, and getting Britt to do your dirty work... I've had enough. Just... leave me alone. You've already made it where I lost my pride and so many friends... what more do you want?
I have an attempt at a poem... strictly because it's become habit..

I stand on the edge
Of all I've ever known
I want to leave behind
This place I've grown
but people call me back
never leave me alone
I want what people call peace
A rest all of my own