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Well.....it seem sas if I can realy do nothing right after all......I make everyone sad and I can never be happy. Every time I try to be it is allways in vain...........I can never be happy in any life and I have just found this out. You see by me living it makes everyone hurt. But if I die everyone gets hurt. And I swear after I find a way out of black mail I will die. I swear I will. I can not have anything I ever wanted in life. All I wanted was to have love and to be happy. But I can not have that. So I might as well take the other one as soon as I find a way I can. Wich is death. You see every one says ether they will die after I do by my own hand. Or they will be sad and never forget me. Wich is bullshit or I beleave it to be so. But anyhow. My life has been nothing but utter hell for the last4-5 mounths.....And everyone says to me to feel better.......well....hate to burst there bubbles there is no ****** way for me to feel better untill I am died. I truely feel that way and know. Nothing good shall ever come out of life for me at all. Everyone I meet and get to know I just sadden them. Wich is true. I make there life worse. Some how its like I have a very bad arua and it takes to them and kills them slowly. So you see by me liveing is slow death to me. And no one can see that. I can only be happy when I am dead. I do not care about hell or what ever happends after you die. Living and feel emotions IS HELL!! Nothing can be worse then this. And when see this the better. Because the sooner I can die..............................AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS! HOW LONELY I AM. OR HOW I FEEL. NO ONE CAN EVER COMPREEHEND THE PAIN I GO THREW EVERY DAY KNOWING I WILL HURT ANY I CARE FOR. AND FEELING THESE DAMNED THINGS CALLED EMOTIONS!!!! I SWEAR!!! WITH EVERYONE SO IN LOVE AND THAT ****** BULLSHIT, IT JUST PISSES ME OFF!! ONLY JUST BECAUSE I WILL NOT LET MYSELF BE SET UP AGAIN FOR SUCH UNWERTHY THINGS OR SUCH. BECAUSE I HAVE NO RIGHT TO FEEL ANY THING LIKE THAT.............yet no one even trys to see what i see......or fully understand how i think...no matter how much they think they know they know nothing.........no one ever can understand how dark and spitefull i truely am......or understand how i am......................or why i want to be alone............why?..................why am i cursed so?...........

Posted by: Shadow Zero Fri Jan 28, 2005 @ 01:36am

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Kahrli
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Commented on: Fri Jan 28, 2005 @ 08:49pm


	I understand what you mean on a lot of points. I am/was "like that". I know loneliness. I know I do, because there's like a depression that comes on everytime I look at someone, a wish for friendship. For love, yeah. Fear of a lot of things, of almost everything. I even told someone once, after following a group of my friends for a few minutes, that I would feel just as comfortable around them as I do around enemies. I can never explain things right, I have excruciatingly low self-esteem.... But you know what? It changed, for some reason. I think I almost wanted to be depressed, different, before. So don't pull the "no one understands me" line, because that's a lot of the problem. People do understand, you just don't understand the understanding. It's not recieving love; what should you care for love, if you hate emotion? I don't know how to explain it. Must sound awfully pathetic, from me, like I'm trying to cheer you up or call you angsty or childish. I'm not. What I'm trying to do is -- I don't know -- not help, exactly, just...ah well.

Commented on: Sat Jan 29, 2005 @ 01:40am


	Wow....... let me state prior to explaining some things, I was diagnosed with a form of long-term depression during my whole time in Elementary school, to halfway in my freshman year in High school. It was a different kind of depression though, unlike you, I wasn't mad at myself, or anything else, I was just completely impartial. I've seen people considering things like you have a lot, and let me state, right now, emotions are NOT out of reach. I don't know what has caused you to think that, but whatever it is, I know it's easier said than done, stop it. It will not solve anything.I doubt people are as bad off around you as you are. So, you're not in a form of "love" right now, it's not a quick thing. I don't want to push you or anything, but to make things better, you're gonna have to try. I know that from experience. The people who tell you to, albeit they don't know how hard it is, they're right.

suicune_dude
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GottyJ
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Commented on: Sat Jan 29, 2005 @ 02:50am


	In My life i have never experienced pain such as this.I dont wish it upon anyone. SInce ive never experienced such pain my opinion might not mean mcuh to you but i will say its anyways ^_^ I've had friends that were kinda like you.After talking to them for sometime i came to this.All they need is 1 person.one person who trully cares,that will take out time just to listen to everything uve got to say. One friend inparticular actually pushed people away but deep inside desired friends.When you find this 1 person everything is different.You dont care anymore.There's always atleast one person willing to listen,the hard part is finding this someone. well thats my view i hope it helps even if ina small way helping is helping.Small thing can sometimes mean big things to people. ^^

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