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I sit in wounder for when my time is to come. Waiting, wishing, thinking of all I have done. Was I right,was I wrong.....And why my time is yeet to come....many things I have seen....Life death and horrid things....Some I wish to have never seen.....No this is not a poem...its just s**t from my head....thou in all trueth I do wish to be dead....And still plan on doing so...I live only to keep those I care for happy...thou I myself am not.....I'm puting myself threw much length just to keep them happy...and many times it seems to go unnotced.......My spelling sucks...allmost as bad as my life.....No job...no love....and only growing colder with each day I can only hope I snap and say ******** everyone I'm done. Then finaly kill myself...and be done with this pain.........as long I am here...where I live I can not thrive....or be happy.....invisable tears run down my face each night as I lay in my bed thinking of what hell my hole life has been.....and wounder why I still have not snaped...then...it hit me.......Because I am to busy but for the few min. I have befor I sleep to think of a way out....And I have finaly found a way...and just need alittle time befor I can fianly finish it and find a way to go where I need to. To finaly end this curse I am called living a lie....It is called such for I only live to please my friends.....They all want me to live....saying lies such as. "You have plaently to live for. You caqn find love you just need to give it time. Hang in there Joshua.....you'll make it..." And many more.....but they will never happend....want to know why? Because.......... I HAVE BEEN TRYING SO GOD DAMN ******** HARD I AM IN PAIN FROM IT. THATS MOTHER ******** WHY GOD DAMNIT!!!!!!! everyone fails to see that my life has been nothing but one endless road of pain and sarrow.....and if they do see it...I don't think they see it all the way threw....I have been raped,disowned by my hole family,lost bfs,lost gfs both in death or they just ******** left, and last of all....my soul. I barely have one left to be truthful. From all the things that have happend to me I am lucky if I can cry......I have had some many things happen to me I don't even have time to list them all. Even if I started 3/4 of the way threw..... All I know is I am sick and tired of all this bullshit and am realy fed up with it. So sorry to say this but....I am still going to think and as soon as I finaly get it I am acting on it. I am sick of these games. I am sick of the lies. I am sick of all this god damn bullshit I have to go threw every god damn day. My father keeps rubing in my face that I was raped by someone whom I thought was a very close friend. And stabed me in the back. My brother reminds me I am a dumb ******** who will get no where in life. And his wife keeps on reminding me no one fully trusts me. Hell she hardly trusts me to wacht her god damn kids. And all I ever do is yell at them when they are realy bad. So...yeah...with those lovely little reminders pushing me my goal every day. I shall finaly reach my goal seance I was 8 years old. To die and fianly berid myself of all this god damn mother ******** bullshit that I dare to even call a life.
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