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Tried last night
To hide everything
Not too hard, but enough
Shut down
As I racked my brain for a reason
Why I care about you
Why I mostly tolerate your behavior
Why all of This bothers me
I already know I'm going to be hurt
If you even thought you could love me
You'd have claimed me by now
you wouldn't tell me half the things you have
All of my dark, compulsive thoughts climax
into nothing but sighs and lying

But you still catch it
I'm upset
When I explain why
You turn it on me
Suddenly I want to tell you it's not your fault
I feel mad at you for this
Then I start to hate myself
"it's fine, you're fine" I say
Because now I've made you sad
The very last thing I want to do
Your happiness is my mission
Not only have I hurt you
You tell me that I've made no progress
Which builds up a new round of self hatred
And frustration
I WANT NOT TO CARE
I want to not care at all
More than anything, because then I'll be alright
When it all comes down
But I can't stop, I won't be fine, You're the focus

Is it any wonder I hate telling you how I feel?
It's no surprise I consider confiding in someone
MISHANDLING MY EMOTIONS
I keep promising myself I'll bury everything deeper.
But I still feel everything.
You should hate me.
Throw me away.
I'll reactively survive.
I hurt you.
I don't deserve to even think I have a chance.
And you hurt me.
Which I will tell you is also my fault.
But keeping me around like this.
THAT'S JUST TORTURE.
Sure I care about you
but what the hell does it matter?
I'm just one girl who cares.
You have several.
You wouldn't miss me
No matter how much you say you don't want to lose me
as a friend
I don't want to be a tool to be used until exhaustion
I can't keep taking damage
Sure we're friends
Sure we're nothing more
BUT YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL
I know how I feel.
Just being friends
doesn't make any of this
hurt any less