Well well, hasn't it been a long time since I've written one of these? xDD Usually it's just me griping, but I don't plan to do that in this entry. I don't know, I guess I'm just feeling nostalgic, hence the title. Sparkiie just went to bed half an houran hour and a half(from when I submitted this, as opposed to when I started writing) ago, no thanks to me and my epic powers of ranting, pfff. Anyway, I'll just put whatever first comes to mind as my fingers flow across the keys. Hopefully it'll make sense.
backthenI remember when I was younger--though saying this, it was only maybe a year or two ago--I would lay in bed before going to sleep starting at the ceiling terribly frightened of going to sleep. It wasn't nightmares or anything like that, though I remember once taking furniture to blockade my door for fear of a man with a chainsaw slicing each of my legs in half. Vertically. What kept me awake those nights was a strange fear that I would wake up and ten, fifteen, fifty years would had gone by and I'd have just been laying there, sleeping in bed. It seems pretty irrational, but I distinctly remember almost quaking and crying as I held myself, afraid that my life would just pass me by the second that I closed my eyes. I'd go through horrible scenarios and replay those worries in my head until the very thoughts tired me out and I'd fall asleep. Sort of ironic, right? :'D But I can't seem to pin down why I had that fear. Surely it wasn't that the day that I had just experienced was so magical and great that I didn't want it to end--I'd probably remember such a day if it was. And clearly, an experience like that hasn't happened in the past. So I don't really get it!
backthenA weird sense of dread seems to follow me no matter what age I'm at though. When I was younger and my parents gave me a few dollars to save up in my piggy bank, I'd always take some of it out and place it somewhere in the house that I knew my parents would find it. I was afraid that my family was going into poverty or something, when if fact we were pretty well off. My mum would find seven dollars on the table and ask me, "Is this your money?" to which I would shake my head and deny it so that she'd take it. Somehow those little green pieces of paper never attracted me much. xDD Even now, I don't really find them of much value.
When I was maybe six or seven, maybe older, who knows, I found this pack of gum in the store. It was like a beeper, where you could stick the packet onto your belt. After asking my mum if we could buy it, I clipped it onto my waist intending to place it on the conveyor belt when we got to check out. But it slipped my mind. I didn't notice I still had it on until I was buckling my seat belt in the car. This freaked me out. I wholeheartedly believed that the police would break down my door and arrest me, locking me up for years on end. Asking if we could return it, my mum said that we couldn't for one reason or another. I told her to leave a tip the next time she returned a movie rental from the mini-movie rental shop they had in there. I think I maybe had one or two pieces from it, until the guilt fully set in for my accidental 99 cent theft. Scenarios where they would pry me from my room replayed in my head, so much so that I kept a picture of my family in my drawer that I would beg to take with me before they locked me up for life.
Then as I got older, an even weirder sense of dread began to fill me. I don't know, even now I have a weird premonition that I'm going to die not in my sleep naturally. Internet friends! If I'm gone for more than two weeks without notice, please worry about me! xDD Is that vain? 0:]
backthenI used to quip about how I acted online versus real life, and the inner and outer me. Some weird divide as if both of them couldn't be me, it was one or the other. I think I've grown out of that. My words that I down are sincere, and the only difference is that I'm able to say all the things that I want to say out loud on the internet. Well, almost all the things I want to say. I still have a hard time telling people what I want. People often ask what I want to do, what I want to eat, things like that to which I reply, "I dunno". Sometimes I really don't know, but other times I just don't want to ask for it. Like when people ask which, oh, I don't know, which cookie I want--the chocolate chip one or the peanut butter--for lack of a better example, I know that I want the chocolate chip one but I tell the other person to choose because I don't care. This is a really lighthearted example, I know, who really cares what cookie they get? But I feel like I've let a lot of things pass me by with my feigned indifference. xDD I've let people pass me by before I even made a single step, afraid to jump in. I wanted my character to end up with their character, to see this movie instead of that movie, to go a different direction instead of where everyone else is going. I guess I've just been going along with the lives of others a lot of the time.
backthenI really hope this isn't coming out as depressing. xD I'm not sad for what I did or didn't do. Sometimes I want to pull out my hair and smack my forehead for my past mistakes, but in the mood that I'm in right now I don't see what that could possibly change. Things really do happen for a reason, and I'm happy to be where I am. I've got more than I give myself credit for. P: And even more that I probably just don't realize I have.
[ Fae-zzle Pop! ] Community Member 
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