I've always struggled with it. I like to say that these things are typical for people my age, but heck, what do I know? Maybe I'm some crazy fool.
I used to talk to my friends about things like this, and they always noticed that I was either "happy go lucky Alexa" or "b***h don't talk to me Alexa". Rarely ever between. So I asked them which they thought was really me, since I honestly didn't know myself. They said that I was both.
It came as a surprise to me that they'd be so accepting of both as the real me. I feel bad because it seems that I may have underestimated them and took them as sort-of fair - weather friends. That they didn't like or accept all of the bad parts of me too. It made me feel happy that they said that, but I merely shook my head, moving on. I must've grown since then, because that was two years ago, and here I am writing this thing. Growing up is a long process. . .
I wonder how it all started, how I became the person up writing this right now. When I think back, I've always been that awkward, bumbling, shy fool who tried to fit in. I've always been running, trying to catch the backs of people, or even their shadows. But when given the chance, I'd put on my strong face and try and be like them, to shine in the spotlight and be confident, to try and be bold. I'd like to say that that was always a mask, but no, it's still a part of me. When I was younger, I was kind of a jerk, still am sometimes. Maybe that just shows you that you can't ever really run out from who you were, after all--you remain that same person throughout your life. No matter if you change your name with an alias like Fae, deep down, you're still Alexa. I used to think they were different people entirely. "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet", right? It doesn't matter what I call myself, as long as I'm me. And I am, always have been.
That strong face has followed me throughout my life. It's useful, I don't really plan on getting rid of it if I'm being honest with myself. When my school closed down and I had to go to a new one, I think I overcompensated and shut myself in my own little hole. I'd always sit on the jungle gym, hugging my legs to my chest and watching everyone else play and go by. When I saw her, I'd spend time with this mentally disabled girl and praise her when she got simple math correctly, or other things. The woman that was hired to help her out wasn't very kind and patient with her, and I felt bad. Sometimes some girls tried to be friends with me, but I always slipped away, either afraid to be with them because they were "that much better" than me and "popular" or because I didn't like them because they were weird. LOL. I guess I've always walked that hard line between the total outcasts and the popular ones. I don't really see myself as either. But maybe I'm just picky. I don't really know how I got friends, but I got them nonetheless. I think some people I could just drop my guard around naturally, or I tried to make friends somehow. Who knows?
I kept one particular friend until middle school. This kid in my Honors math class would always kick my shins and steal my erasers and put them in his mouth (I know, wtf, right?) and she would stand up for me. I became pretty dependent on her, and became jealous easily. She was social and people became friends with her easily, and I felt threatened. I didn't want to lose her. Still am that way. I would say words that I'd later regret and people would begin to dislike me, but she stood by me, albeit I bet she was rather apologetic about me. She would talk with another girl the next year about how much that I've grown, how I would watch my words, and be more patient. I think, honestly, I just got tired of fighting it all. This is when I started to really become the person I am today.
Freshman year of high school, I acted cutesy and bubbly, and got increasingly mean the more I got to know people. I still depended on that girl, but I could almost literally feel our friendship going down the drains. She was thinking of moving schools because she didn't feel fulfilled here and was going to go somewhere where her other friends were. It felt like a slap in the face. Like, wasn't I good enough for her after all these years? But I didn't say anything. That summer, I don't believe we even spoke. She became too busy with colour guard and band camp, and I retreated into the internet.
Since I was eleven, I've been an internet junkie. I admired my brother so much, still do. I remember sitting in the office while he was on the computer, waiting for him to finish so we could talk, and crying when he snapped at me when I bugged him. So it was only natural that I wanted to do the same. It all started on Neopets and the people in the guilds I've been in. I'm facebook friends with two of them right now. Then someone on the boards suggested that I go on Gaia, and I did. Met a girl that I wanted to be friends with in Towns, and we soon did. I dunno what happened, but she later turned into a jerk and left. Same with all the rest of my Towns friends besides Jesse. But I've really met people who have changed my life on here. Made me who I am today. I've always been able to express who I am better in written words than in spoken ones, and I've wished that I could be like who I am here in real life. I think that I have the capability to, she's just hidden and waiting for the right people to show herself to. Unfortunately for her, this person has a hard time holding friendships and keeps finding other people have walked away.
And... I think that's basically the sum up of my life. It might sound kind of bleak, but I don't think of it that way at all. If you think of it as a night sky with all the little things that people have given me, then it becomes much, much brighter. Sparkiie says that the smallest things make me overjoyed, but stars do seem that way, don't they? They look small when you look at them from here on earth, but they're really so much bigger in reality. LOL, I'm crying right now. Ahhh...
The problem with me, is when I help people, I can only look at it from my shoes. I romanticize things, make them grander and blow all the emotions out of proportion finding myself crying over other people's problems. That might also be the best thing about me. Whatever I tell is bound to be from the heart. Is that too cliche? xD; I miss the big picture and go down to the details that rarely anyone sees. I swing from extreme to extreme, loving days and nights but hating the afternoons. I'm always running after things I can't catch, chasing after something that I haven't realized fully. Right now, I can honestly say that I've traveled very far, and yet nowhere from where I started. I'm still that awkward, bumbling, shy fool trying to find her place in the world. But I think I'm okay with that. Knowing me, that'll change in two days and I'll hate myself, but days like the one I'm having right now are great. I'm at a high point, and I'm bound to have my low points. But that's okay, because I'll always be me. Always have been, always will be.
[ Fae-zzle Pop! ] Community Member 
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