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"I would rather give love, than receive it."


Today, is a very emotional day for me. I don't really know why I'm so sensitive today, but I am. Feelings are absolute, aren't they? They need no logic or reasoning. All of that is just foreign junk whose rules need not even poke their nose into this realm. Anyway, I start talking to my friend who has been feeling tumultuous, for lack of a better term. He's very much a man/boy built on structured logic and thoughts, but his feelings have started to bubble inside and is conflicted, he's never sure of how he's feeling, and stuff like that. And we get talking, we're very close friends, I believe he's gotten to know me better and more intimately (not romantic-like, we're more like... guides in life for each other) than anyone. I dunno what really triggered this, or why I was so sensitive, but I felt like he was going on and on about himself, and I found it self-centered to be pining about problems that in the grand scheme of things, were sort of petty. And I have my own hardships! I'm well aware, that emotions and how they are felt by someone can't be measured or compared to another's, but I wished he would be a little more... aware of how much he had going for him. Perhaps I'm being a hypocrite, but that's something to talk about later. Puberty, eh? :'D
Then, someone else messages me talking about his unrequited love. I mention how he thinks everything works like an equation, and say that many things in life don't work like that. This guy believes that logic is worth twice as much as emotion, and engages me in a debate. Honestly, I don't feel the need to argue this. Everyone has their own self-truths. Who can say what is absolute for everyone in this world? Disregarding science and math... bah. Just gotta give that side credit. Personally, I think both sides should balance each other equally. But that's just me, we left each other being fine with the other's side. He ended saying that he was able to validate his point, and I admit that I couldn't back mine up. I mean--they're emotions, what can you prove? They're complete in my mind, and worthless in his. No big deal. So I tell him that I'm glad that he can validate his point for himself and that I don't need to do that to believe my side. I'm fine simply believing. I do see a lot of his points, but that doesn't mean that I'll convert. Is this unreasonable? Probably. Like I've said, do I even care? Haha~ I'll be aware of it all and open, but I'm personally choosing this.

So, I realize that I've left my other friend conflicted with his emotions on the other Facebook chat box, and he asked me a while ago what I thought he should do about this friend of his that got high. He told me that he tried telling her all the risks and bad effects of drugs on her health. I applaud him for trying. But I don't think that's the way to go to get someone off drugs, I'm sure that they were just told nothing new. I can only put myself in another person's shoes and think of what I would do. I'm not too good in knowing what would work and what wouldn't. I started tearing up about this girl my friend was talking about that I didn't know. I imagined all the people that probably care for the girl, and I told him this. He replied saying that she has a rough relationship with her parents, and only really has one sibling and three friends that she can talk to. One being him. I become silent for a while, not knowing what to say. But I tell him that if I were in her shoes, I'd sincerely hope that I could open my eyes and see all the people that probably care about me that I didn't even know cared. And that many people have it worse off that me. Once again, feelings can't be measured by a rubric, but we all are really fortunate for what we have. I'm typing on a computer, you are reading on one, we can't have it off that bad if we can afford, or have facilities that offer it, with little to no censorship. Perhaps I'm a bit naive and my view on the world is so very green. But is that really a fault? And then, still if I were her and now with my eyes opened a little more, I'd want to stop living for myself and continue doing that to my body, and start living for everyone else that has been there from the very start, even if I didn't know it. I'm probably romanticising things. I'm not the biggest fan of people who live for themselves. My guy friend said it was a pretty good point though, and said he'd try talking to her tomorrow at school face to face about things (he only really talks to her online). I 100% supported this, and suggested he talk to her before school--which I don't know how he didn't think of first--since he rarely sees her except in Calculus.
An emotional episode of Glee was on at this time too, and I cried some more. I've been weeping on and off within the conversation.

But somehow, I couldn't really stop. After we stopped talking, and I wished him luck as he texted to try and meet with her tomorrow, I started thinking about my words. And I felt like a hypocrite. I dislike it when people live for themselves, but I often put up barriers in real life to protect myself. Isn't that silly? Why is it that I can't/don't/hide tears? I say all these words of advice, and say things over and over like a mantra to comfort myself (just as the boy in the second section stated his point to me as if to console himself, I do to myself. So, do I really believe so absolutely as I said?), but I can't seem to practice what I preach. Maybe I should be more open with myself. A previous conversation with the conflicted male had me listing my faults, and when I finished, he asked me why I couldn't change myself to be how I want to be. Truth is, I can. But then wouldn't that almost be more lies? Wouldn't I be hiding how I act with another act? I do like myself as a whole, I just haven't come to terms with everything yet. I don't want to let go of the me I am today. Am I going too far with what he said? I guess I just feel like this, and this is how my heart is taking it.

And for the cherry on top of all this, I'm afraid that if they all knew what a contradictory person I was, that they'd hate me. Things are so much easier when I give, and don't take. But I know I'll learn and grow, I'm still young.