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Hi! I know I haven't been on lately to do the journal entry. The truth is that I have not been on a lot lately and when I am its to do the daily chance, check pms and get off. I have been walking in shock.

If you have ever seen film footage of the aftermath of a tragidy or something like that you have probably seen some of the people walking around in shock. Its like they can't cry or anything. They can't seem to show emotion. Its not that they don't have any or that it isn't effecting them but the fact is they are are so tramatized that they can't even think. They try to think. But their thoughts are jumbled. They can't seem to get two thoughts together to make a complete thought in order to make sense of anything. We saw a lot of people like this after 9-11.

Well, dispite tragidies etc there are other times in our lives where so much is tossed at us that we seem to walk in shock. this has been me for a week or so now. Not only was I getting over the flu but I also just got a very nasty cold. Both thanks to my 17 year old son. Not that he could help it mind you. At least I knew where both illnesses came from.

In the past 9 days my nearly 18 year old son informed me that he is going to be a father. then he decides to tell me that they are going to wait longer to get married because its too expensive. UHHHH... What was that??? To expensive to get married when you have a baby on the way and were planning to get married anyway??? I don't know who comes up with this stuff but I have heard a lot of this crap lately from different people. Its too expensive to get married. We will get married when we can afford it... but they lived together. Not my son and his girlfriend but other people. Its a bunch of malarky. Those reasonings are a cover up for other things. That is all they ever are.

Anyway, My oldest son has decided that now he wants to do the whole rebellion thing. The point of this I will never know. He is 19 now. I can't tell him what he can and can't do etc. So all he is being is disrespectful. The other night this son of mine also tells me he is moving out and going to move in with his cousin. This wouldn't be so bad if it were a cousin from his fathers side of the family but it isn't. Its from my side. This is a bad thing. Unfortunatly I only have one sister so all of his cousins from my side came from her and they aren't worth a whole lot. Except maybe Keith. Keith has autism. Not so badly that he can't do things but if you watch him you can see it. Its there in full color. That boy is a gem. But no its my oldest niece. She is often in and o ut of jail and on drugs or drinking. She has been kicked out by both fathers of her daughters for one reason or another and she hasn't managed to keep either of her daughters. She never learned that What we do today... effects our children tomorrow. She is also known for her bad behavior of many sorts. Today this son also gets a formal letter in the mail saying he is now formally medically discharged from the military. Actually he is just discharged. At least it wasn't dishonorablly or anything like that. He has never done anything to deserve anything like that.

I have had so many things thrust at me lately that this is the first time that I have been able to put two thoughts together to form a complete one. I can't say that I know what I feel because I don't know. There is such a rainbow of dark and bright colors to my feelings right now that there is no real discribing them. I am just kind of walking in shock.

until next time...