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I have been only subconsciously aware of time these past few days. For example, every time I look at the clock, a few hours has passed by. I don’t know if it’s the imaginary pills I’m swallowing or the ‘stress’ I’m under, but wtf? There is nothing in this world that makes you feel more self-loathing than being lazy (i.e. staying in bed all day) when there is important work to be done. Being a writer mainly consists of sitting in front of a computer screen and typing till your fingers are numb. As more hours pass, I become exceedingly aware of the PUSH deadline creeping upon me, like a claustrophobic person forced to live in a cardboard box for two weeks. Yet, I do nothing. I think about writing more than I actually write. The funny thing is, deadlines usually send me in frenzy, but I peg this un-apathetic laziness on myself, for not being done with this chapter ages ago. Last year, my issue with the PUSH contest was that I knew my story sucked too much to win, and I was setting myself up for failure and disappoint. This year, the problem is I’m not finished with what I plan to present, and I now I only have less than two weeks to finish it. The issue is, I think, anxiety. I want to win, I think I’ll lose, am I good enough, whose my competition-blah blah blah. I need to get in right frame of mind; write for the sake of writing and not worry about the words that appear on the screen, look at this as something aside from a book and write faster, like this is a really huge, point-sucking assignment from school that’s already late.

-I wrote that on like, Monday or something. So, not only did I make my crappy deadline, but I kicked its a**. I worked my a** of on Saturday and Sunday, writing more in such a short of time than I ever have before. What really set me back was my own retarded-ness. Like, I got distracted every two seconds. I was all, “ooooh, a kitty! Let’s go pet it!” and I chronically shopped online, but I never bought anything. But I finished and It’s special and that’s all that matter. Those lazy PUSH bastards won’t announce the winners for days.

Crocs need to die. I don’t know who decided those little ******** were trendy, but…they’re not. I’d be more fashionable if I performed open heart surgery on a homeless man, took out some of his organs and cut them open, then glued them to some plastic soles and sold them on EBay for $100, claiming they were eco-friendly, EnviroShoes. Yeah, sure, they’re very Sharpie-able, but they’re still fugly. Try to think back to a time period when gardening was cool….hmm, I can’t think of anything either. And you know why? Because gardening never was and never will be cool. The only people who garden are old folks, rich gay guys living in Manhattan, farmers, and crazies. I’m sorry, but this whole ‘crocs-are-cool’ thing bothers me to no end. What we need to do is burn each and every rubber pair in a giant pit and forget their existence. These things are worst than those friggin visors.

You greedy bastards. These stupid movie producers are all, “yeah, you know what? We can make sequels to movies that we’re fine as they were so we can make $20!!!” Look, I know you have a family. I know you need to put some bread on the table. But can’t you do it in a more respectful way? This is worst than hoing yourself out on 82nd. These goddamn movie people keep making shitty, straight-to-DVD sequels. For example, The Butterfly Effect 2. I loved the first one (me and my memory probs ^ ^). But why, god, why was it necessary to make a sequel? The ending was fine. But noooooooooo, these people had to go and taint the first movie by making a god-awful sequel. There was absolutely no need to make this, but some jerk-off decided to. The main character is played by some dude named Eric Lively. Obviously, Justin Timberlake, Channing Tatum, and the lead singer of Maroon 5 were not available for this role. Or they have more pride than that. Anyway, basically, his girlfriend dies and he’s all upset. He cries for like, half an hour of the movie before looking at a pic of them together and going all Butterfly Effect and time travel s**t. Oh god…I don’t even have the power to rant about this anymore. Just do me a favor and don’t ever watch that movie. I couldn’t even finish it, it was so crappy. I’d rather squirt lemon juice in my eyes and jam scalpels into them than watch Eric Lively b***h for two hours.

Too much ranting. Let’s move onto a happier topic, like a movie than didn’t suck more than my cat Kero. I finally saw Running With Scissors this week, but I, of course, had low expectations for it. Surprisingly, it wasn’t all that bad. In fact, if it was all by itself and the book/author never existed, I think I would really like this movie. Joseph Cross did very well considering he’s a fairly new actor and was playing Augusten Burroughs. The girl who played Natalie was awesome, and the guy who played Bookman totally reminds me of Begbie from Trainspotting. The movie made Augusten seems a lot more angsty than I remembered in the book, and it completely lacked the humor, but still, that’s got to be a hard movie to make. So all in all, it was ok. Could’ve been better though. I think what I like most about Augusten Burroughs is how his childhood reminds me a lot of mine. The Finches’ house was like Rachel Kauffman’s and my old house combined. Also, he wasn’t so whiny. He was cool and funny and maybe slightly emo, but who cares? He’s friggin Augusten Burroughs-he can be emo.

Today was pretty funny. In puppetry, we started filming and we made several public service announcements for things like anti-drug, don’t talk to strangers, and a look inside a mental hospital. It was hilarious, and now I want some Swedish gummy bears. Also, during success recess, Jay and I saw three strangers who didn’t do to Winterhaven and started talking to me. I think we crazied out on them and scared them away a little. They had school off and were waiting for some 6th grader they knew. They were going to wait until school was over from Cole or whatever, but they didn’t. During Social Studies we threw notes out the window from them, and a bag of chips. But the by the time we got outside after school, they were gone. *sigh* I miss Malibu already….

Songies!!!

Never There-Cake

I need your arms around me, I need to feel your touch
I need your understanding, I need your love so much
You tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
But when I need you baby, youre never there

On the phone long, long distance
Always through such strong resistance
First you say youre too busy
I wonder if you even miss me

Never there
Youre never there
Youre never, ever, ever, ever there

A golden bird that flies away, a candles fickle flame
To think I held you yesterday, your love was just a game
A golden bird that flies away, a candles fickle flame
To think I held you yesterday, your love was just a game

You tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
But when I need you baby
Take the time to get to know me
If you want me why cant you just show me
Were always on this roller coaster
If you want me why cant you get closer?

Never there
Youre never there
Youre never ever ever ever there

My List-The Killers

Let me wrap myself around you
Let you show me how I see
And when you come back in from nowhere
Do you ever think of me?
Your heart is not able
Let me show you how much I care
I need those eyes to tide me over
I’ll take your picture when I go
It gives me strength and gives me patience
But I’ll never let you know
I got nothing on you baby
But I always said I try
Let me show you how much I care
Cuz sometimes it gets hard
And don’t she know
Don’t give the ghost up just clench your fist
You should have known by now you were on my list
Don’t give the ghost up just clench your fist
You should have known by now you were on my list
Don’t give the ghost up just clench your fist
You should have known by now you were on my list
When your heart is not able
And your prayers they’re not fables
Let me show you (let me show you)
Let me show you (let me show you)
Let me show you how much I care