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The PUSH contest is up again (with a deadline of March 16th) and needless to say, I have been writing my a** off. Well, sort of. I found this tiny little detail that maybe actually give me a chance to win this year. I thought you had to send them the beginning of your story, but I found out it’s an excerpt. Which means I don’t have to shame David Levithan by letting him read the first 50 pages of BFF, which are incredibly crappy. No joke. I’ve decided to do send my most recent parts, which are considerably better than the beginning. The only problem is I need to finish this last chapter first. Some good news is Jay is helping me edit. Editors are awfully loved ^ ^
Yayyyyy! I finally (finally? It just came out last week!) go the new Gravi manga! Even though I've already read like half of it, it's still uber fantastic and there's a lot I haven't read. I love Gravi all over again. The fact that I'm mentioning Graviation in a blog (a blog giving the possibility that Rachel and Hannah can read it) is pretty ballsy, considering how many times I've gotten my a** kicked just for muttering Shu's name, but I don't care. It's so good ^ ^ Happiness! Whoosh, order is restored. Again.


Jay and I went to see Ben Kweller last weekend, and it was sooooooo awesome! Ben Kweller is way better live! When you see him in concert, then listen to his CDs, it’s like, ' holy crap, is that even that same guy?!’ He played a lot of good songs and changed guitars like four times. He has a really nice Gibson. He can always wear tight pants and look hot. And he can dance. Whoosh. Anyway, before doing his last song he said he was going to over to the booth thingies and sign stuff when he was done, so Jay and I started pushing through the crowd of creepy peeps to get there early. We waited like half an hour after he was done performing before he finally came. We got him to sign our buttons and posters, and then later we both got a picture with him. I got to hug him twice!!! And it was a real hug. There was more love in those two hugs than the one awkward hug from Amanda (but that was still a sexy hug XD). Very, very good concert.

Annnnnd speaking of dead babies (was I talking about dead babies? Who knows!?), I wonder how my little brother is doing. The next time I see him, I need to teach him the way of the gays. Really, that’s Alex’s responsibility but I’ll take over it…for now. Anyway, if he’s not gay by the time he’s 12, I’m gonna sue him for his extensive Playboy collection, and when I win due to the fact that I’ll hire Tom Cruise as my lawyer (he’ll just crazy out the jury until I win because everyone will be too scared of Tom to continue), I’ll mail half of the mags to my older brother (I know how much he loves hetero porn, mm mm good!) and I’ll put the rest in Ashton’s locker, where he’ll discover them and be overjoyed. But no, seriously. That little kid better turn out gay. Or I’m going to be pissed and demand my money back.

I really feel like I need to say this, so here I go. WTF is with all the visors? Thursday I spotted one guy wearing a purple one. It wasn’t even sunny; it was ******** raining. See, I thought visors died in the 80’s along with Van Halen, but apparently I was wrong about both of them. I think I should work on boycotting them. They’re pretty narsty and are only worn by retarded people (no offense). So maybe that guy I saw had mental issues. If that’s the case, it sucks to be you, dude. Anyway America, please, please work harder to kill all visors.

Here’s some recent BFF:
Jake
It’s raining again. I can hear the raindrops knocking on the walls, taunting me, daring me to just walk away, mocking me with its freedom to wash away and start over, telling me its ok to feel like this after Kevin is done with me, it’s ok, I have an excuse. For a moment, I really believe things will get better. I’ll tell Mom, she’ll dump Kevin and he’ll go to jail, Jason will be so proud of me and my bravery for confessing that he’ll remain my friend and who knows, maybe one day be my boyfriend. I wouldn’t have anymore secrets. Life would b ok.

Except it wouldn't because no one would ever act the same around me again (they’d be too afraid to touch me or say certain things around me) and I’d drown in pity and I’d feel guilty about Mom breaking up with Kevin and landing him in a jail cell where he would have it so much worse than me and I’d probably be a little paranoid for the rest of my life and I’d most likely still be anorexic and I would be even more miserable because I would be making everyone around me unhappy and uncomfortable and it would be all my fault.
Hannah
Savage Garden is right; the madness has stopped and I’m all alone, except for Judith, who’s sick. Rachel’s getting tired of me, I can tell. I want to tell her I don’t know why I’m being the way I’m being. I want to tell her the reason I don’t talk to her anymore is because I have nothing to say. I want to tell her that she’s my best, best friend, but I don’t know how. James and I were never super close, but even he seems aggravated with my distant behavior. Everyone else we hang out with-Zac Vanni, Stephanie, Kyle, and Steven-don’t bother talking to me anymore because I usually don’t say anything or I just walk away. I want my friends back and I don’t know how to get them to like me again. I don’t know how to be me anymore.

Judith calls me and we talk nonsense for a while before she says she’s too tired to stay awake any longer. After peeling the phone from my ear, I look at the clock and realize its 1:30 in the morning. We talked for almost seven hours.



Songs (Forrealsthistime,Ineedagothorgy)

Modern Kicks-The Exploding Hearts

Hearts are breaking now, she says I don't care (don't care)
It ain't my business, nose in the air
Hell is breaking loose, she says I don't mind (don't mind)
She's got new things to take up her time

Little white lies with matching suits and ties
I put her in a place

I’m all alone and I’m getting stoned, staring off into space

It makes me shiver it makes me shake,
you wanna give give give but I don't wanna take
getting modern kicks

Hearts are breaking now, she says I don't care (don't care)
it ain't my business, nose in the air
hell is breaking loose, she says I don't mind (don't mind)
she's got new things to take up her time

Little white lies with matching suits and ties I put her in a place
I’m all alone and I’m getting stoned, staring off into space

Well I’m gonna do just what I will
and I’m going away unless she's throwing up or sick
I’m getting modern kicks

Little white lies with matching suits and ties I put her in a place
I’m all alone and I’m getting stoned, staring off in space

It makes me shiver it makes me shake
you wanna give give give but I don't wanna take
getting modern kicks


The Good Times Are Killing Me-Modest Mouse

Got dirt, got air, got water and I know you can carry on.
Shrug off shortsighted false excitement and oh what can I say?
Have one, have twenty more "one mores" and oh it does not relent.

The good times are killing me.

Kick butt buzz-cut dickheads
who didn't like what I said.
The good times are killing me.
Jaws clenched tight we talked all night,
oh but what the hell did we say?
The good times are killing me.

The good times are killing me.
The good times are killing me.

Fed up with all that LSD.
Need more sleep than coke or methamphetamines.
Late nights with warm, warm whiskey.
I guess the good times they were all just killing me.

Got dirt, got air, got water and I know you can carry on.
The good times are killing me.
Enough hair of the dog to make myself an entire rug.
The good times are killing me.
Have one, have twenty more "one mores" and oh it does not relent.
The good times are killing me.
s**t-kicker city slickers who all wanted me dead.
The good times are killing me.

Get sucked in and stuck in late nights
with more folks that I don't know.
The good times are killing me.

The good times are killing me.
The good times are killing me.
The good times are killing me.
The good times are killing me.
The good times are killing me.
The good times are killing me.
The good times are killing me.
The good times are killing me.


And Sundress-Ben Kweller


Everybody's trying to be the best
What about the girl with loneliness
I like your sundress
I like your sundress
What about the girl with loneliness

From the inside out
You're so beautiful
I want to hold you in my hand

I do everything you want me to
I do everything you want me to do

I want to start going on a morning walk
What about the days when we used to talk?
I don't need a smile from a mannequin
I just want to hold you in my hands

I do everything you want me to
I do everything you want me to
I do everything you want me to do

From the inside out
You've changed, girl
You know you have
Don't make a good thing bad
Just let me hold you in my hands

I do everything you want me to
I do everything you want me to do
I do everything everything everything
I do everything you want me to
I do everything you want me to do
Do do for you