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So the parental have been pretty ‘rawr’ lately, and every time they’re ‘rawr’ about, like, anything, they take it out on me. It doesn’t really matter what they’re yelling at me for, cause I just know they generally don’t mean it and just pissed off and stressed out. What sucks, however, is their marriage. Like, when Nicole (my stepmom) is angry, my dad gets angry and oh jesus I better hope I have all A’s and are 100% perfect (which I never, ever am or will be) or else I’m screwed. My parents are pretty rash, and have a tendency to take things away like internet + computer, video games, TV, and even my stereo and headphones. When these things are gone, they are gone for days. And I mean, days (days can mean anything from minutes to years, just FYI). So anyway, when they get all angry and stuffz I get all like ‘omigawd’ and hyperventilate-ish. I’m not so much concerned with how they would be if they got divorced, and I know that sounds horribly selfish and it really is, but I would be the one getting screwed over if they got divorced (which they have threatened several times). If they did, I would be back in Mt. Shasta before you could say ‘what the fook?’ Cause I know my dad would not have me. I’m not even sure why he did let me live here, besides less child support and his reputation (he knows how bad it would’ve looked if he said no, after I wrote that stupid sappy letter…) and um, there is NO WAY I could even fathom living in Shasta again, despite it’s obvious and only perks (Hannah, Rachel, ect.)

The living situation would suck so much. I’d either be sharing a room with the fugly baby (no…just, no >.< wink or my sister. Honestly, I can’t decide which is worse. My sister is so messy it’s disgusting, and we’ve tried the whole, ‘this is my side of the room and this is your side’ thing and that does not work at all-my side was always by the door and I would like jump her if she tried to leave/enter cause, b***h, that’s my side of the room and therefore my door. Not only that, but we would fight. Oh my god, no one fights like us. We’re like an old ugly couple and she’s the alcoholic and I’m the one with the crappy argument skill. We fight so much, we burn out on fighting. I can do anything as little as sitting in the hallway with the lights off, and she’ll call me an emo b***h and that will spark a 2-hour fight involving writing utensil throwing and butcher knife threatening and lots of ‘I didn’t even do anything!?’ My mom always seems to take her side, or just tell both of us to shut the hell up (she yells at me a lot, too XD ). We fight every goddamn day I am there. Last time I was there (Spring Break) she was so pissed at me about Hannah. Like, on the Saturday I was there, I was all, ‘you know what? Screw you, mono. I’m-a gonna go see Hanba anywayz!’ So I was talking to her on the phone and we were gonna meet at the cemetery by her house. And she started yelling at me saying I was gonna get freaking mono and Mom was gonna be pissed and blah blah blah. She really has no shame when it comes to that, because she will have a fight with me whenever, wherever. We could be in public (and we so often are) and we’ll start chewing each other out, doing just about everything but pulling out of the pocket knives and going stabby-stab. Ugh. I love Lizzie, but dear baby jesus, get her some angry management classes, for the sake of my life. The only good thing about our fights are when she’s mad, her aim sucks so bad, so when she results to chucking crap at me, I can easily duck. And wanna hear something funny? Lizzie and I are fighting right now…on Myspace XD

On a good side, I would get to see Hannah and Rachel virtually whenever I wanted. But yeah…can you say awkward, boys and girls? Because going backing to school there would suck like Hannah’s cat. Oh dude, I can’t even imagine the gimpy-ness of that. I hate Mt. Shasta, and the majority of the people there. And I’m sure they know all about the whole Siobhan-James-Hannah complex. And speaking of James…with my luck, I would have every class with him and we’d end up being lab partners for the rest of high school. That is so crazy/awkward to even think about. *Shudder*

Last week I saw a gay movie that didn’t suck. It was actually really good. And that’s just shocking because, I’m sorry, but it’s true, gay movies suck. Like, seriously. It was called Touch of Pink and it rocked like, my world…? Anyway. So I recommend that. Jimi Mistry is so cute, especially with Kristen Holden-Reid. I kinda wanna go rent it again…and be like, yayyyyy there’s hope for homos like Hannah yet (lol, ‘homos like Hannah’-that’s a good band name)!!! It gives you hope for the gay community, knowing it’s not dead or retarded yet.

I got my first record, and what better record to get than Rocky Horror Picture Show? It’s all pretty and awesome and not scratched! I feel lame for starting my record collection this freaking late, but whateva. I also got a Marilyn Manson CD, but not his good one, which is Mechanical Animals. Today I got to see Jasper, Jay’s ginger crush, and omigosh! He has Ben Kweller hair!!

Oh wow. It’s really awesome waking up to Eve 6. I’ve been listening to them a lot again (I have a tendency to fall in love with bands, listen to them til my ears bleed, then move on and go back to them later). I love Eve 6 so much. They really don’t sound quite like anyone else, and they really rock their lyrics. Seriously, with simple-yet-not lyrics like Max Collins’s (ginger kid!) it’s gotta be hard to work them into songs but they do, and they sound cool. Instead of moving impatiently through their rock ballads like Here's To The Night and Jesus Nitelight, it comes just as natrual to them as Nightmare, Bang, and Inside Out. Jesus, it’s like the best morning/rocking-out-like-no-one’s-watching music I know of XD But I think they broke up days ago. Ugh, I hate when bands commit music suicide. Like the Unicorns…and Reason For Nothing (even though they weren’t fabulous)…and I think Sleater-Kinny may be over *goth gasp* I really want to see them live, too. Damn, I love them. So much ^ ^ Eve 6 has to be in like my top 10 fav bands…and because of that, I think I need to get into Sugi Tap.

Oh, s**t. I need to end this. My ‘rents are gonna be home soon, and they’ll be all, “what chu you doin’ on the lappy?” and I’ll be like, ‘Satan made me?’

Songs(!)

Amphetamines by Eve 6

Amphetamines and jellybeans
She was pretty in her teens
Waiting for the month of come what May
I smelled you on my shirt today
Of course the hardest part is letting go
But you've got to or you know
You'll end up waiting by the

Phone me once in a while
Let me know you're alright
Tell you again that I'm fine
Then we go about our s]eparate lives

Was it nasty scheme or lazy dreams
I left you cold two blankets deep
This is the last song I'll send your way
I smelled you on my shirt today
Of course the hardest part is letting go
But you've got to or you know
You'll end up waiting by the

Phone me once in a while
Let me know you're alright
Tell you again that I'm fine
Then we go about our separate lives

Phone me tell me that you're waiting
By the phone for me to phone you
Once in a while (once in a while, once in a while)
Then we go about our separate

Phone me once in a while
Let me know you're alright
Tell you again that I'm fine
Then we go about our separate

Phone me once in a while
Let me know you're alright
Tell you again that I'm fine
Then we go about our separate lives (our separate lives, then we go about our
separate lives)


Say You Love Me by Fly Upright Kite

My back against the ground
Im looking up waiting to see if you are coming down
Im putting faith to test
Im letting go to see just where you will rest

so I'll drown in love, life me up above
until I fill clouds with doubt let them rain out.

So say you love me
And this is not ending
Or have I fallen without you

Love has dark corners
to hide all the lies in a room full of light
my stitched heart can not feel a shadow moving
everytime I put trust in your hands you break what I gave
please I'll make you believe

So say you love me
And this is not ending
Or have I fallen without you

Give me wings I need the wind
To lift we me up out of weathered skin
I can be loved to make things clear
I can be loved I need you here

So say you love me
And this is not ending
Or have I fallen without you

say you love me
and this is not ending or have these dark clouds broke open