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Or so it would seem.


Ok so Sam picks me up around 9:30-ish I believe and we drive out to the University of Maryland at College Park while listening to the soundtrack for The Mask. Its cool, Sam has a beard, and I have a coat and hat and tight white shirt and we're going to get LAID by some hot college whores!


Well of course we didn't, but that's not the point of this story anyways. For there is no point! Anywho, we get going and when we get there we wait for Bob for what seems like hours. Fortunately though we have the Groovy Soundtrack of Stuff, to which we decide to dance in the street while spewing out Sockbaby one-liners.

For all the uninitiated, go to SOCKBABY.COM now and tell me what you think. This is Jesus! I SAY IT IS JESUS.

Ok, then when Bob finally arrives as all scary jewish homosexual proletariets do, (not in a bad way Bob, I mean all that in a good way) we decided to march down to the Stamp Student Union- home of places that are NOT SELLING FOOD (I currently haven't eaten anything real in ohhh, about 17 hours) and good memories. We get there, all the while enjoying the words Sock-Baby Jesus has given us, and with doing so reach what has to be the coolest ******** rec-room ever. UMCP is off the goddamn HOOK. Its got 12 pool tables, a BOWLING ALLEY, DDR and TIME CRISIS 3, and a HUGE a** Triple Screeen TV SYSTEM, all in the same room. But oh well, we left there cause we didn't feel like spending money (yet, anyways, there was some DDR to be had by this fairly skilled SOB) and went upstairs to check on the line. I was soooo lucky to meet the cast of the Satanic Mechanics (www.Satanic-mechanics.com), a group of "theater" people who perform sideways on stage to a movie playing on a screen (usually Rocky Horror, but tonight they were doing Clue, and next week or something they're doing The Princess Bride! HELL YES), meanwhile giving the movie a Mystery Science Theater 3000 work-over. It was pretty cool.

Anyways there are about 2 highlights of the night, and here's the first:

While meeting the cast I eyed a girl who was very...interesting. She was shorter, a bit wider, but VERY much so hotter than me. Heh. She was a sophomore, I told her I went to Salisbury. She groped me. SHE GRABBED MY FRICKIN CROTCH AND MASSAGED MY CHEST. Oh, it was glorious. Hit it up for me, being the hot one. I have no idea where THAT came from. So of course I looked for her the rest of the night (Name: Megan) but I didn't expect anything else. Given the chance, I might have asked her out (there was some actual clickinggoing on) but I doubt she would have said yes once she figured out I was still in highschool. HAHA! Goodtimes mother ********!

Second Highlight:

After the show me and Sam decided to stalk the UMCP campus looking for parties or sexy ladies. Or both, hopefully both. Well, truth be told we didn't find either, but we did see a couple of Race War fights, (as in blacky wants to kill whitey all helter ******** skelter, but it aint happening. Hell I would have sided with them though, they WERE outnumbered), and then trying to follow the antagonizers, ran into a drunk guy. Well, actually I ran into the drunk guy. Sam ran into a street sign! Hurray for uhhh...whatever the hell that is. So this poor guy was wandering around, no shoes, its cold enough to see your own breath, a T-shirt, and a large male genetalia drawn on his arm. Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat.

So of course I play Guardian Angel, this dude is soooo ******** lost and wasted, I tell Sam we're gonna get him back to his Dorm. Since I already know the campus from those oh so wonderful times of last summer, I have a good feel for where we're going. Good thing though, cause I somewhat forgot where Somersett was. But the Drunk Almighty (Chris, as he should be known) realized the general direction of his Dorm.

Well, it took a while for it to really come back to him. At first he believed the location of his hospice was, and get this "Where the lights are."

...feel free to laugh now.

So we get him home, and no one is opening the door, and Chris doesn't have his card, or a phone. So I call one of his friends inside, and its about 3 AM now, so no one is answering. What do I do? I yell to the sexy ladies up in the building, "Hey, Ladies! LADIES! Help us out! We got one of your guys here." Sam is currently in shock throughout the whole night at my boldness. Seriously, its ******** college, I'll yell at who I want, when I want, becuase there was a drunk guy! AND WE SAVED HIM! Someone opened the door, but the fat ******** was greatful at all! We saved the life (or at least feet) of one of his own guys, and what does he do? Tells us to keep it down. What a fat, stupid ********.

So we mill around the campus for about another half hour talking (me doing most of the talking) and walking and looking for parties. The coolest thing we did was pull this metal coily bungie thing on a lampost as far as we both could stretch, snapping it back and waking up probably a hundred collegiate pupils. Awesomeness.

Eventually Sam gets bored so I lead him back to the car and we drive off. And thus begins Part Two of the Adventure- Getting ******** Lost Around the Metropolitan DC AREA. I mean, VIRGINIA. I mean BALTIMORE ******** CITY. I mean goddamn EVERYWHERE. We almost went to New York, thankfull though, Toll-Booth Lady Directed us back home, and by 5:50, we resided snug in our own homes, our own beds, myself not to wake up until 12, and stay in my room until 4, cause my bitchy mom who wants everything but refuses to give has her idiot boyfriend over with a new ******** TV that we didn't need.

******** it.

Moral of the story- Get the ******** out of the house with a good friend, and STAY THE ******** AWAY AS LONG AS YOU CAN. House life at age 17 is totally ******** pointless.