mood: Numb
music: Down In The Life - S-crY-ED (OST2 Trk 12)
Well, I've officially gone and lost everything.....I'm too numb to react to any of it....I'm kinda surprised I'm so calm....But....It has effected me....
I don't see much of a point to half the things I did, wanted to do, or believed.....I don't see it anymore.....
This morning, I woke up and the first goddamn thing that popped out of my mouth was "s**t, why did I wake up?" I wanted to sleep until either my body rotted or the world ended....I still don't want to be awake. I don't want to be alive. I don't see a point in it....
More than likely, she'll see this and make some comment, but I no longer care.
My best friedn used to help me so much, especially when I needed it. Thought, recently, I donno, something's happened, and she would refuse to help me when I needed it most, yet would try and help me when I'm fine and able to deal with it myself.....And it's like she's been in a very negative mood, and we finally clashed.
Now I've gone and lost her....What now? I feel numb.....I want to cry, but it's like nothings there....I feel like this fragile shell that could break and the slightest touch....
I don't see much of a reason to still try and become a Police Officer....I don't see a reason to get out of this rut....I see no reason to still keep fighting....I sit here in my boxers and a tank top...I'm cold, yet I don't feel a ******** thing....I feel so etheral right now....it's like "Am I really typing? My hands don't feel like they're there..."
I find myself wanting to find some mental escape....Staring at the ceiling, stuffing my nose in a book, anything to escape reality....All traits of the old me....When I moved into the Kintz home back in 2001, I never came out of my room, unless I absolutely had to for myself or to satisfy others.
I find myself wanting to scratch every inch of my body just to know I still have one.....I don't feel like I exist, or belong anymore....
