mood: Numb, Sore, Cold, Empty.
music: Nobody Wins - The Veronicas
I would have posted earlier, but I was in NO shape to do so....
Right now, I have so many thoughts running through my head....Not plesant ones either.....
I have a friend going through a really tough crunch...And I'm going to be blunt, cause right now, my head hurts from a few things and my body is ice cold from one of my stupid vesospastic attacks due to stress....
She reminds me so much of myself, and I do my best to containt how much it irritates me....Mainly because I hate those qualities of myself....I care for her more than anything on the planet, I'm in love with her for God sakes...So I try my best....
The indignant pride of handling one's own problem without ANY help of ANY sort even when in a crunch to the point that one must sacrifice things.....I pisses me the ******** off, and in this case...It hurts more than anything I know...I can't help the one person I cherish most because of that pride.....
I love people who have confidence and the willingness to keep going in life, those who have morals and cherish life and themselves as much as the person they love most. People who lack that irritate me and never last as a friend of mine for long if they keep it up....Well, in this case it's different....It adds to all that pain.....
I feel like my heart is being ripped out, torn into shreds and then tossed into acid soup....I feel hollow, cold, stupid, helpless and in so much pain that all I've been doing is shivering.....I took out my stress on my best friend, thankfully, she's delt with far worse from me and the issue cleared up, but not before I bawled my bloody eyes out the the point my face felt fat and my eyes were dry and sore....It tired me out and gave me a headache which then left me numb.....Boy do I hate crying.....
After that was over with, I sat for a few, debating things.....I played some .hack//G.U. to just play around and beat the living s**t out of things without causing myself any harm, and also distracted my mind.....
But not I'm too cold to even do that...just typing this is a pain isnce I can barely feel my hands.....It's kinda funny seeing them all purple again....I'm blasting music in my ears shivering up the bloody wazoo, and thinking about a tough choice....Two of them.....One might cancle out another, but then agian...Who knows....Maybe if this is read by the right people, maybe things will be alright....Or maybe they won't, but maybe ideas can be shared....
