location: Ocean Shores.
mood: Hurt, Serious, Thoughtful.
music: Another World - Chrono Cross (Other Music From Chrono Cross)
Things suck. This is why I hate getting too close to anyone, much less fall head over heels for them ten times over.
I'm going to be so open with this, it hurts. I don't care, I need a vent, or rather, I need this out...I want people's opinions if that really matters.
I'm in love with a girl named Seven. (Yes that is her real name.) I've given everything I can from where I am now....My heart, words of advice, an ear to listen, and we've had our issues and worked through them. I still love her just as much...So much that I got over using my best friend and my feelings for her as a clutch and something to cling to.
People say I'm strong and come to me with their problems and asking for my advice and such, cause most of what they're going through, I've been there in some form or another....But I'm just as frail as anyone else....I'm easily swayed in terms of my emotions and how attatched I get and how hurt I end up being because of those attachments....I'm a very emotional person.
A long time ago, I was a horrible person, I hurt other and only thought about myself. You can read back to when I first became an LJ member and see what kind of progress I've made from the dark side of life to now. I keep my darker half in good check and I do my best not to hurt others and to be a sociable, helping, honest person.
I get severly irritated with people complain and complain and complain about how bad their lives are when people have it worse then them. This is also why I insist that my life is nothing, sure, it's had it's share of bad events, but there are people out there who have had it worse than I have....I have no pity for those who complain and yet make no effort, even if they ask for help....
Then again, I feel so belittled and insignificant when I come across those who make life seem so easy. Like there's no effort to move past the bad and keep on going just as strong as before with such ease that no method can be passed to one who would like to know that method to work over their issues....
In terms of relationships:
Friends: I can handle just about anything save bad hygene, stalking, and hurting others.
Family: I put up with alot of s**t when it comes to family....BUt I had being the blakc sheep and always having everything taken out on me.
Lovers/Partners/Significant others: I have high expectations, and on the emotional front. They MUST have confidence in themselves, care for themselves as much as the person they care for most in their life. No emotional baggage that will drag me down to being the old me, and if they have emotional issues and such, they must have the willingness and patience to work through it. No destroying their lives by selling their bodies, doing drugs, or continueally hating themsleves and having that lack of caring spread to the people who actually care about them.
If you can't love yourself, how do you ever expect to love others....? If you want to die, why are you being so selfish and thinking only about yourself instead of the thoughts of the people you claim are the only ones close to you...? I mean, really...
I love Seven with all my heart and am putting up with alot of s**t....I'm now at my breaking point....She keeps going on about all the negative and tells me about how worthless her life is and how she hates herself. When I first met her, I said if I helped, would she be willing to be a better person, get over her issues...She said yes....But I see no effort....I've tried in all the light ways possible to help without making the situation worse....
But I've ran out of options and I finally have said that I can only be her friend....She can destroy her life and make it as worthless as she wants and I know I can't do s**t to stop her....If she wants to destroy her life, by all means, go right ahead...Just don't drag me down with....
If she truely thinks I'm calming, or a good person to talk to....A great friend....She needs to stop being so selfish....She needs to think about the pain she's causing others by the pain she continueally carries and wishes to scream about through music....She needs to stop destroying her body with smoking and drinking and such....It hurts those close to her to see her doing this to herself....
She talks about knowing she's screwed up in life and not wanting the people close to her to follow in her footsteps....That she knows she's not been a good role model...She should change that and start making something of herself to back up all these claims....
I will be there for her as a friend....Nothing more. And yes. It hurts....It hurts worse than anything I've felt before, and that says alot....
Community Member
On the emotional front, im doing alot better. Im working through my issues, day by day....sometimes i slide back down but im fighting, always fighting to keep the dark side in control. I joined GSA, which has helped....we [[the members]] use it as a support group of sorts...Its official name is G.L.O.W. which means Gay Lesbian Or Whatever. Sorta an inside joke, but ive become pretty close to the advisor and shes really helped me see myself as not so worthless as i thought. In return, i shared some of my poetry with her....she said it needed to be taken to a stage lol. I kinda just smiled on the outside, but i was beaming on the inside...im so happy. The two poems that were recited for English were given good reports aswell, and people have been encourageing[[buggging]] me to get to publishsing lol.
Im gonna go now...i have to do dishes.
Merry Christmas, friend.
~x~Ashy~x~