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One thing that is reoccuring more and more increasingly, are my memories of those I have previously loved but long since became detached from. It is usually the nature of our break up which causes us to depart with subtle rain clouds hanging over our heads, never to speak again, lest the words and meanings be of mockery or angst.

But these memories are not brought up due to a recent breaking up, nor the sight of an old acquatance, indeed my last girlfriend has had a better life since we broke up, not in a negative sense that I was some hellbeast which screwed up her life, but rather the idea that she opened her eyes to the problems she had at home, and indeed the true qualities she looked for in a boy. Its ironic then that such a parting could infact bring happiness to both sides, she got to be with the one she truly loved, and now lives in a world no-longer ruled by famiy problems or those at college. Yet I gained the warm hearted feeling of seeing some good I have done in the world, involuntarily, its an odd thing to say (or indeed write.) but its the bare honest truth, our parting had brought goodness to her life, and seeing that all I truly wanted deep down inside was to be left alone in a peaceful life void of drama or fear, I got two gifts, both relaxation after a hard days work, and the sight of seeing her happy... by something I had set in motion.

No. These feelings are of foreboding. They are feelings of what I have experienced, and my own personal doubts and inadequacies, all rolled into one. You see, I have found another that catches my fancy, and my feelings go out to her as much as my other previous lovers. Yet she bears the same burdens as the last, and perhaps I can see that there is a long road ahead of me should I choose to take it, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but that is destined for her, not for myself. Its this knowledge that puts the fear into me, that even though I fancy this girl, I can almost see what route the love might take. And in this sense I find I am adamant to express these feelings to her. For fear of rejection? probably. No one likes rejection. But for fear of things to come? Most of all. If only we knew what would happen 'down the line', if only we could weigh up possibilities and see the variations in outcome. If only we could peer into the looking glass of time, and pluck the future that we wanted from the seas of stress, strain and greif.

Perhaps that is my meaning, my calling, my entire existence. To right the wrongs and inadequacies in life. Alone. With any attempt at a personal life to be strewn with doubts and fears of the unkown. I cannot help but find reasons to be fearful of the future. Nothing is ever truly simple. And yet, like every outcast with such a destiny, I will always press my face upon the two way looking glass, at a world I spend so much time putting right, but never to reach in...and hold onto the things I hold so dear.

Hah. Thats life for you. It will always continue on, as we are absorbed in our own little worlds... Perhaps that is the nature of man, to gaze into the stars longingly, but to never make contact... for fears of the unknown.

-Molov