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a header for my journal of information
fall to grace.
the problem is that I do not want my memories, I want to lose them so that I can be just another face in the crowd. I already lived out every one of my dreams, and I've seen things that ruin people. if I don't have them, the world will be new and interesting, I will not assimilate knowledge as I do now, humans will be just like me as opposed to how they sicken me now, there will be nothing holding me back when I try to love someone, and I won't be bound to the knowledge that I am now. in short, if the world was new, if I didn't see what I did, I would be able to enjoy all of the things that make people happy, I would not analyze every single aspect, I would not see into people, plotting out stratigums that lead to nowhere. I wouldn't be overly enthralled in matters that aren't standard humanistic problems. I would not feel as though I have to guide anyone, I would have new dreams and memories that are all mine instead of a Frankenstein's monster of those long forgoten. I would not know about Maria's existence, and I would not think about her every time I kiss someone or make love or anything. I would just be normal, I would fit in with the system, religions, future, populace, occupation, family, nation, ect...
you see, they may make me who I am but I do not want who I am, I want to be a fool, enthroned in issues like the presidency of what to make for lunch or what kind of blue color job can I get.
I would raise a family, live in a suburban house, have a job, and let down my sword forever.

in a sense, this is what everyone wants, to fit in with people yet still be independent, but I differ from all of them in the way I must go about achieving this goal.
God gave Adam and Eve a chance to return to the garden by simply giving back the knowledge and the understanding that the fruit had given them, but humans always look forward and would never give it up because it had opened their eyes for new potabilities. I in contrast want to give back what makes me different, I want to give back the power that was given to me, and return to the garden where I will live an animal's life, but a life that I am happy with.

if the answer is that through knowledge we seek more to find happiness, yet without it we are happy, then I want to be an idiot that is happy rather than a genius that is sad.





 
 
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