it is sad really. I don't fear death, but I do fear vanishing with the passage of time. I want to matter to someone, I want someone whom I can hold in my arms, and in telling her that everything will be alright, assuage my pains as well. I want someone to remember me, but I don't want to be morned. I suppose that after I die, it won't mater if I am morned or not, but still there is some urge to be so. I know that vanishing is inevitable as death and paying taxes, but still I don't want to be lonely all my life.
I screwed up once and lost my one shot at a happy future, now I just hope that my sins are forgiven in some way, and that I am able to not only play the hero as a social role, but be the hero, protecting all those I care about.
My late master said that we are to move with time, even if we act agents it. he is right I suppose, everything I own seems so old, even futuristic things like my car or my television, are over 20 years gone and my mindset is not exemption. I don't want to lose the grandure I once had, the power that came with my knowledge and ability, but I can't continue to freeze time for myself. for me to function as a person in this new world, I need to be like them. I need to put down my sword, and pick up a computer, I need to stop telling stories about a past that may never have existed to others and create new memories, I need to let my love rest and have a girlfriend that needs company.
I can no longer be a knight, I have no evidence of the ones that I taught, and fought with, so it only has relevance to me. and all of this is useless in this ever changing world. it is true that I have experience, but my life was seldom realistic and I have only trinkets and mementos and scars to verify this ever happened at all.
I need to change, this world needs another cubical worker who can live in the city, not a knight who knows what plant is edible or how how to live in the woods comfortably. I need to forget the old ways and become just like the rest of these humans. I can let go of my past, I know that it isn't to late, but to change completely, I would need to change my surroundings, let go of even my friends, and keep with the world. I will be alone forever if I stand still as I am now, and I am afraid of this change, because when I do, I will lose all that matters to me yet again. I am afraid of vanishing if I stand still, but I am afraid of losing all that matters if I move forward.
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a header for my journal of information
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Cubical job? *gags self with spoon*
Have I ever told you that I finally figured out what I'm going to be in life?
I was so worried that I wasn't going to figure it out and end up in a rut.
No one can take away your memories, they're yours.
They are the one thing that makes you you.
So some things are a little strange, who cares?
Some where along the way, you'll find someone that truly understands that crazy mind of yours.