Aye, it's the entry that you've all been waiting for: quotes from George Carlin's books When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? and Brain Droppings! Your mind will be blown by his hilariously-scary thoughts, so sit back, relax, perhaps grab some popcorn, and get ready to enjoy George Carlin's Quotisms!
WARNING!! These quotes may cause blindness, insanity, extreme cases of diahrea, nose bleeds, brain damage, disturbing images while you masturbate and possibly death. Read at your own risk.
WARNING!! These quotes may cause blindness, insanity, extreme cases of diahrea, nose bleeds, brain damage, disturbing images while you masturbate and possibly death. Read at your own risk.
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The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I'm left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember.
When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
Sties are caused by watching your dog s**t.
Not only do I not know what's going ton, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
How likely is it that all the people who are described as missing are living together in a small town somewhere?
We're all ********. It helps to remember that.
The nicest thing about anything is not knowing what it is.
I feel sorry for homeless gay people; they have no closet to come out of. In fact, I imagine if you were gay and homeless, you'd probably be glad just to have a closet.
I can't bear to go to the children's zoo. I always wonder how their parents can allow them to be kept in those little cages.
If you love someone, set them free; if they come home, set them on fire.
Most people are not particularly good at anything.
Try explaining Hilter to a kid.
Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music.
There will be no more paper towels after July.
You show me the people who control the money, the land, and the weapons, and I'll show you the people in charge.
When the going gets tough, the tough get ********]
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.
There ought to be at least one round state.
Why can't there be more suffering?
Since 1932, more then thirty people have been killed in post office shootings. You know why? Because the
price of stamps keeps changing. There's a lot of pressure. "How much are they now, Rob? Twenty-nine?
Thirty-two? I can't keep track! ******** it!!" BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!
She "took him to the cleaners." Whenever I hear that I wonder if that was the only errand he had to run. Maybe she also took him to the adult bookstore.
You know why I stopped eating processed foods? I began to picture the people who might be processing them.
Someone said to me, "Make yourself a sandwich." Well, if I could make myself a sandwich, I wouldn't make myself a sandwich. I'd make myself a horny, 18-year-old billionaire.
THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: "Please stop sucking my d**k or I'll call the police."
I only respect horoscopes that are specific: "Today, Neil Perleman, wearing tight-fitting wool knickers, will kill you on the crosstown bus."
Life is a near-death experience.
((There will be more comming soon!))
I think we should attack Russia now. They'd never expect it.
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.
The only good thing to come out of religion was the music.
I don't have to tell you it goes without saying that there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.
There ought to be at least one round state.
For a long time it was all right for a woman to keep a diary, but it sounded too fruity for men. So they changed it to journal. Now sensitive men can set down their thoughts without appearing too sensitive.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it
.Why can't there be more suffering?
Did you hear about the man who left in a huff and returned in a jiffy? Another day, he arrived in a tizzy and left in a snit. His wife swept in in a fury and left in a daze, then left in a dither and returned in a whirl.
There are no times that don't have moments like these.
Since 1932, more then thirty people have been killed in post office shootings. You know why? Because the
price of stamps keeps changing. There's a lot of pressure. "How much are they now, Rob? Twenty-nine?
Thirty-two? I can't keep track! ******** it!!" BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!
Where does the dentist go when he leaves you alone?
Why are there never any really good-looking women on long distance buses?
She "took him to the cleaners." Whenever I hear that I wonder if that was the only errand he had to run. Maybe she also took him to the adult bookstore.
I go to bed early. My favorite dream comes on at nine.
Everything is still the same. It's just a little different now.
You know why I stopped eating processed foods? I began to picture the people who might be processing them.
The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
If I had one tooth, I think I would brush it a real long time.
Someone said to me, "Make yourself a sandwich." Well, if I could make myself a sandwich, I wouldn't make myself a sandwich. I'd make myself a horny, 18-year-old billionaire.
It is impossible to dry one hand.
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR: "Jeff? We're going to have to break your skull again and reset it.
Okay? It's way out of line. It looks really strange. But we won't do it until we've opened up that
incision and put some more fire ants inside of you. Ok?"
Okay? It's way out of line. It looks really strange. But we won't do it until we've opened up that
incision and put some more fire ants inside of you. Ok?"
THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: "Please stop sucking my d**k or I'll call the police."
The idea of a walk-in closet sounds frightening. If I'm ever sittin' at home and a closet walks in, I'm gettin' outta there.
Whenever I hear about a "peace-keeping force," I wonder, if they're so
interested in peace, why do they use force?
interested in peace, why do they use force?
I only respect horoscopes that are specific: "Today, Neil Perleman, wearing tight-fitting wool knickers, will kill you on the crosstown bus."
I like Florida; everything is in the eighties. The temperatures, the ages, and the IQs.
Life is a near-death experience.
((There will be more comming soon!))
