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At this moment I have lost all sense of reason. I dont know whether to throw up or crying my eyes out...... I got bored and decided to see what Olivia has written lately, since I haven't seen her writtings since she wrote over December. Well I read what she had written 2 days before her and I finally started to talk and sort of get back together.

I have no desire to eat, I completely lost it all, I know Olivia is a cutter, that truly puts a knife through my heart, that she could be doing that again. I thought my love for her stopped her, but I guess she lost a lot of it along the way.

I found out the eccesnce of her father and mother, and I guess I now know why she came back to me. Her father not only moved to Cali, but also got remarried, claims to love his ex wife(Olivia's mom) and thinks Olivia is an ugly fat girl.

Her mother sees her as a slut, and somehow that got word in the school, even though she's never even kissed a guy, and more importantly never had sex. But the way she dresses and looks, got her mother thinking that.

Now I was under the impression that Olivia truly wanted to be friends with me and hopefully have us back where we were. I pieced it all together, she back tracked her whole life those two days prior to e-mailing me. She remembered I was the only one that truly loved her, and the only one she had truly loved with all her heart, and she push me and let me go so easily. She is searching for somebody to love her, to see her as beautiful, to want her, at this point in the most sexual way possible.

I am torn apart in my mind, soul, and heart. Half of me just wants to go to sleep and never wake up again, because this is way too much to handle all at once. I had really thought she loved me so much, she couldn't stand to be without me, but well I did have signs in front of me that I failed to realize. She begged me, with the exact words "Khalil I am begging you, Please don't ever leave me, please, I'll do anything". I took that as a sign that she really missed me, and is actually believing that she wants a long term relationship that will never end.

Stupid Khalil, if I leave she has nobody that truly loves her and cares about her. Nobody. I would never leave, I seriously and honestly want to be with her forever. But now I have to wake up every morning and worry that maybe she did something bad to herself while I was sleeping, and completely have a panic attack when she doesn't sign on at the usual time of 6 to 7 p.m.

She wants somebody to hold her, to love her, to have sex with her, and use her, she wants love so badly, sex psychologically makes you believe that the person loves you, even if for those mins together.

As for the other half of me, I want to stick around, take everything upon myself, look to the future and the light, hold onto the hope that she will be ok, that I am just paranoid, making a big deal out of nothing, that because she never tells me what her parents do or say to her, that maybe my mind is searching for clues and making up conclusions. I don't know anymore. I want to believe so badly that she loves me because she wants to, that she wants to be with me, because it was her first choice, not her last resort, that her desires and feelings for me aren't tainted in any way by the tough time she is having in her life.

Most of all I want to believe that she wants to be with me forever, that the words aren't just false hope, feed to me so I'll stick around until she pieces her life back together, then she will seriously realize she has people that truly love her, and just leave me in the cold dust to rot and die inside all over again.

I asked myself over and over again, what caused her to think herself fat, not beautiful, undesirable, unlovable, unwanted.

I know the answers now, and now I have to figure out what to do, I think weekends are the only time she doesn't talk to me. She hasn't signed in at all, I send her an e-mail, and out of nowhere she has already read it, and not said a word, even while I am on.

I am so tired of getting hurt, of having my heart break into a thousand pieces, I am going to stick this one out, and hope and pray to God she loves me for me, she wants to be with me because that's her desire, she wants me around forever and always because that's what she truly wants.

To fade into the darkness would be bitter sweet, but to never return will be the end of me.