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February 27, 2007
This morning when I woke up I went in Kaz's room like usual to wait for him to wake up. I usually end up waking him up when I lie next to him on the bed. So he woke up and he said his back hurt so I was rubbing it with my hand and then he said for me to sit on it. XD Which reminds me of when I was little, because my mom's back always hurts, and when I was little she used to have me sit on her back to make it feel better, until I got too heavy. So I was worried I'd be too heavy and hurt him but he didn't seem to mind. XD Of course he just had to be naughty and turn over and have me sitting on his crotch. XD He said I could stop if I wanted to though so I got off him. Mostly because of the other day when his c** went through his pants, I didn't want that happening again and possibly going through my pants too. That could be bad if it went all the way through. So then I was just next to him hugging him and he rolled over so he wasn't facing me. And at first I thought he was trying to go back to sleep but then I realized he was crying. Which really confused me. I never know what to do when people start crying, especially guys. I just sit there like OMG what do I do why is he crying? Especially since I had no idea why he would be crying, I thought he was happy that he was here with me, so then of course I felt really awful. I must have annoyed him too much or something because I can be pretty silly and pretty annoying and I think I get on a lot of people's nerves sometimes, and in all the excitement I'd probably pestered Kaz to death, with stealing his condom and poking his p***s with a pencil and tickling him and being hyper and laughing at him making him search for the stupid condom... He was probably pissed as hell at me. So I finally asked him why he was crying and he told me because I wouldn't have sex with him and was going on about how he didn't want to go through life never having sex or something like that. So then I started crying. Because what the hell am I supposed to do? I mean, we messed around some already but I wasn't ready to just go all the way and have sex with him. Not the first time he visits me. It doesn't mean I never will. I just didn't want to yet. But I guess he doesn't understand that or whatever. So I'm crying because I don't know what to do about him crying and because now I feel like he only came because he wanted to have sex, not because he loves me. Which I suspected before. And then he's asking me why I won't and I don't know what to tell him. It's not something I can talk about very easily so then he was upset that I wouldn't tell him why. And it hurt me that he would cry over me not having sex with him. As if that's all that mattered to him. So I was in a really pissy mood the rest of the day. I didn't want to go to class or anything. Honestly if my mom hadn't gotten home before my classes I probably wouldn't have gone at all. But she made me go. So Kaz had to wait for me at school again and I got there sort of late. And then in my next class the place had no internet in the building and the teacher wouldn't let him come in the class where the computers were so he had to wait outside there too. I should have left him in the other building and gotten him on the way back but I didn't know if he wanted to stay in there while I was all the way on the other side of the campus or not. But he might have been less bored. So I felt bad. Especially since we had two tests and I took forever on them with not knowing the answers and guessing and probably failing them. At least someone gave him a chair to sit in out in the hall and he had his DS and the game Chris gave him. So he had something to do at least. So then I got him and we came home and by now I was figuring I better let him do a little more with me or he might get sad or hate me or think that I hate him or who knows what.
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