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February 28, 2007
So last night I ended up letting Kaz take my pants off and stuff. Since I still felt worried about him crying that morning. And it was partly Neo's fault. He started it. Which I'm sure was his intent. He IMed us both, and ended up trying to tell Kaz that I was a guy and that I had a p***s and that he had to double check and make sure that I didn't. XD Whatever. But yeah, my pants ended up off after that. And then my shirt. And then bra and panties. So yeah I let Kaz touch me and whatever. But no actual sex. Just because he cried doesn't mean he gets it. And honestly he's made me cry so many times over things that were a lot worse, mean awful things he's done I shouldn't have felt sorry for him. I didn't think about that until later because it seems different when you're with someone in real life. But he's made me feel really awful in the past. I don't just mean bad. I mean really really awful where I don't want to get out of bed and live my life awful. And here he was crying because I won't have sex with him until I feel ready. Whatever... I think before I go that far with him I need to make sure he's never going to treat me that way again. But anyway, apparently whatever he was doing that felt really good was button mashing... Should have known... Video games. rolleyes Oh well, whatever works. And after that I ended up just sitting around in my bra and underwear while playing video games. When Kaz went to take a shower I put my shirt back on, just to be safe. Good thing I did, because later after he came back my mom started knocking on the door wanting me to go to sleep because I had to get up early the next day. My pants were still off, and my bra had been taken off again, so we grabbed those and put them under the sheets, and I was already under them and had my shirt on so it looked like I was dressed. XD So when she came in she didn't know. After that I think I went and took a shower and got pajamas on. At least Kaz didn't hide in my room again. We stayed up really late, mostly playing video games. Kaz had said something about staying up all night since he was leaving tomorrow but I had a class the next day. And at around 5:00 AM I started falling asleep. I had fallen asleep in Kaz's bed with him several times during this week but always woken up sometime in the middle of the night and forced myself to get up and go back to my room. Just because I didn't want to be found the next morning sleeping in his bed because then it would have looked like we'd been having sex and I would have been in trouble. It's too bad we had to worry about things like that. It was nice just sleeping there with him, just sleeping. It was always cold in my room when I went back and I wanted to go right back in there with him. Oh well. Maybe next time he comes I won't worry about it, especially since I ended up talking to my mom about the whole sex situation with Kaz getting upset yesterday, and asking her how she felt. And I was actually surprised, she doesn't think I should wait until I'm married because she knows someone who is still waiting around because of that and guys won't stay with her. I just have to know what I'm doing. I think her biggest fear is me getting pregnant and she doesn't like condoms or something. At least I took that thing from him, which she doesn't care that I have that either. But I have it hidden either way because if my dad found it... That would be bad I think. He can be weird about things like that. But anyway. I was sad and Kaz was packing up and I was just mostly trying to hug him whenever possible. I really didn't want him to leave. We took lots of pictures today. Right before we left for the airport my mom took this one of us standing outside the house. And the whole way there I just put my head on his shoulder and held on to him. And then held his hand the whole time inside the airport. We had to wait in this line for his luggage and stuff. After that we were standing around some, I think my mom went to the bathroom or something, I'm not sure, by then I was only half aware of what was going on. Kaz stuck some sticker with his name on it on my arm. I think it was on his suitcase for the flight here and he had to take it off for them to put a new one on for the flight back. And we were by some wierd thing with these chairs on top of it... I have no idea what the hell that was about but I started hugging him and I started crying and I felt so weird crying in a public place like that but I just couldn't stop. And my mom came back and took a picture of us, but you can't see that I'm crying at least. You can see the weird chair thing though. I finally had to let go of him and now that I wasn't hugging him and facing the wall I felt really embarrassed that I was crying. People must have though I was so weird. Here I was hanging onto this guy and crying and I had some barcode sticker on my arm. XD We went up to the big area of the airport where they have the list of flights to see how much time we had and I hugged him again and we kissed for a long time until he had to go and then I was really crying. I stood by the line he was in for a while until I couldn't see him anymore because of all the people and the line lead to another place anyway. Then my mom wanted to get coffee or something and I stole half her chocolate thing and she bought me a smoothie even though I didn't really want one. And it wasn't that great either. And I could barely drink it because I was crying so much. Kaz called me a few times after that to let me know where he was and what was going on. Up until he got on the plane. Then it was guessing and watching the lists because he didn't want to call once the plane took off. We got some pizza and ate there since I wanted to stay there just to make sure nothing went wrong. We finally left and I'm at home now, and I keep crying on and off. I waited for him to get home, and he called me when he got to the airport, and once he got home we started talking again, and now it's just weird. Because a few hours before we were together. And now it's the online stuff again. I feel like he should be here sitting next to me still. One last picture, Kaz took this picture of us together in his room at my house. I set it as his desktop background and am going to set it as mine too. I think it's my favorite picture.
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 Posted by: Vickicat Thu Mar 01, 2007 @ 03:30am
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