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Tikii's Diary thingy
Just some random thoughts on myself, other people, school, vacations ect. Basically a not so private diary about my life
I need some advice on some poetry
Well, I have two poems that I wrote just recently. They don't seem to flow though... any suggestions? (P.S. I'm incapable of writing positive or 'light' poetry, sorry. XD)

--------------------------------------------------
I like to think of my mind as a box
Locked to all but the beholder of the key
painted carelessly with thick black paint
bursting at the seems with secrets
longing to be told
searching endlessly for the person to tell them to
The person who can etch away the thick black paint
the person who can reveal the rainbow hidden in the blackness
the person with the key
to my lock
my box
my mind
-------------------------------------------------------------------

There is a secret land.
That I go to when I'm sad
when I'm hurt
when I'm blue
There is a land of refuge
a land of all things true

a land without homelessness
anorexia
war
a land without parents
who just walk out the door

a land without labels
or pretenders
or fakes
a land that doesn't care
when you make simple mistakes

a land without broken promises
broken hearts
broken spirits
broken anything.

I have a dream
that this land will come true
and everything will be perfect
for me and for you
but that dream is a sketch in the sand
the waves will soon wash away this land

but this land will exist forever in my mind
as the place I can go to leave everything behind
------------------------------------------------------------------------


Tikii12345
Community Member
  • [07/18/07 04:29pm]
  • [07/01/07 07:45pm]
  • [06/25/07 04:38pm]
  • [06/20/07 06:50pm]
  • [06/05/07 08:03pm]
  • [04/22/07 02:40pm]
  • [03/31/07 10:41pm]
  • [03/12/07 08:23pm]
  • [02/10/07 03:37am]
  • [02/07/07 01:56am]


  • User Comments: [3]
    this message is from beaver girl as a friend tell me what are you thinking right now but it is pretty good 10/10

    comment allycat40236 · Community Member · Sat Feb 10, 2007 @ 03:45am
    I like to think of my mind as a box
    Locked to all save the beholder of the key
    painted carelessly with thick black paint
    bursting at the seems with secrets (kinda confusing...i dont understand T.T)
    longing to be told
    endlessly searching for the person to tell
    The person who can etch away the thick black paint
    the person who can unveil the rainbow beneath the gloom
    the person with the key
    to my lock
    a box
    my mind

    ------------------------

    There is a secret land.
    That I go when I'm sad
    when I'm hurt
    when I'm blue
    There is a land of refuge
    a land of everything true

    a land without homelessness
    anorexia
    war
    a land without parents
    who just walk out the door (love this stanza... 4laugh )

    a land without labels
    pretenders
    fakes
    a land that doesn't care
    when you make simple mistakes

    a land without promises, broken
    hearts broken
    spirits broken
    anything broken.


    I have a dream
    that this land will come true (exists?)
    where everything will be (is) perfect
    for me and for you
    but that dream is a sketch in the sand
    the waves will soon wash away this land

    but this land will exist for evermore in my mind (in me?)
    as the place I can go to leave everything behind

    ----------------------

    lovely poems XDD
    i made suggestions in bold and brackets ^^
    i omitted some of ur words...O_o
    u dont really have to rhyme, some words are better said to represent the trueness they are made to show

    comment Saldarax · Community Member · Wed Feb 21, 2007 @ 12:04pm
    i wuv dem they flow to me i think theyre good

    comment cross_breed02 · Community Member · Tue Apr 24, 2007 @ 12:55am
    User Comments: [3]

     
     
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