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i was just talking to rick a second ago.. he was talking about how people worry too much about getting "stuff" from their lovers for valentine's day. how kids are so obsessed with walking around school with a dozen huge, blooming red roses in their arms that they don't realize what the holiday is supposed to be celebrating in the first place. people are so worried about material things that they don't realize that it's about what's inside that counts.

he was going to call the girl who made a comment about that an "insolent pie-hole." ... i guess that makes me an insolent pie-hole, then. for a certain length of time, anyway.

see... okay fine, i admit it. after rick left, i was really depressed because i didn't get to spend the whole day with him (partly because he had school today, partly because it's extremely difficult). s**t, i hardly spent five minutes with him. i hardly saw him last week. and i don't know why, but sunday was really odd (except for that cute dancing thing... i thought that was soooooo sweet biggrin ). and then after he left, i was so pissed that i couldn't be with him longer that i just banged the s**t out of the piano. mind you i was making music, playing love songs and whatnot. but i was playing them loud. my fingers were sore once i'd calmed down. ... i don't know. i guess i ... i was so wrapped up in having this lush, romantic valentine's day, and i was so pissed that i didn't get it. and alright, when he was here i didn't really feel like he was paying attention to me... (kevin, damnit... he kept driving up and down my street). but you know what? i'm a selfish b***h. it was totally bitchy to be that way. and i think i made rick feel bad about it, which makes me even MORE mad at myself. he doesn't deserve that. especially for the s**t he went through to bring me a dozen white roses. i give him too much s**t. and i don't know why he puts up with it. i seriously don't.

ah. babe. you probably won't ever read this. don't be hurt. i was seriously just bitching. you know what? ... sometimes it's so hard to deal with this whole long/short distance relationship thing. i miss you so much during the week and every moment i'm not with you that i turn into some awful, raving witch. and... aahh... i'm trying to get better about it, i really am. i love you so much. and i want nothing more than for you to love me too.

happy valentine's day.