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The whole morning today, I was completely and extremely emo. I woke up with that feeling, and just couldn't get rid of it for some stupid reason. So I went through 1st period without speaking once, during break between 1st and 2nd, I saw Rick and was able to give his hoody back to him (trying to smile as much as I could), then, sitting in my 2nd class, waiting for the bell to ring. Holly, the 'friend' that I used to hang out with before Rick and I dated, sat down next to my desk and asked what was wrong. I really didn't want to talk, so I just summarized all the crap that's going on, and how none of my 'friends' seemed to care about the 'break-up'. She said that she cared, but considering how she loathed me while I was dating him, it was hard to believe her. So I just nodded once, and looked downwards. She said that even though he wasn't her favorite person in the world, she still cared. I don't know what to think, because during my happiness, she loathed me, and now when I'm completely (emotionally) exhausted, NOW she comes and acts like nothing ever happened... So I went through class, trying to cheer up, trying to be happy. When that class ended, I went straight to my next class (not caring about the break), and just did my projects (it was my desktop publishing class, so I was on the computer). One of my buds named Chris, he's in that class, didn't talk too much, but we chatted a little bit. Dreading lunch that was right after my Desktop Publishing class, I took my time cleaning up, knowing I had nowhere to be anymore, except to find a small place of my own to just listen to my MP3 player. At first, when lunch started, I just wandered the crowded halls, trying to waste time that I had too much of. But realizing I had nowhere else to go, I (for some reason unknown to me) decided to sit with Holly and the circle of buds (most of them don't care about things with me, so I didn't bother to tell them). I sat next to Holly, put my MP3 on, and just looked outside at the beautiful snow-covered foothills, longing to be there instead, wishing that Rick and I were snowboarding down those Bogus hills like we had always planned to, and becoming lost in my thoughts (still completely emo). Holly tried to include me a lot in what the group was talking about and doing, but I just seemed...I don't know, out of place or something... I know and understand that Holly does care about me, but she doesn't have the same views on things at all, and just these last few months, I've seemed to change a lot. Somedays, I just want to walk out of those big front doors, put in my MP3, and just run to those wonderful foothills, where I can be peaced, and alone. Towards the end of the lunch hour, really not wanting to go to my next class (Choir) because Rick is in that class, I tried to get my mind in a better state, knowing that nothing I was doing at the time was really healthy mentally. Though, yes, I was still slightly emo, I was able to snap out of it a bunch before class. Thinking that Rick just doesn't know I exist anymore, I was a very depressed person. Everytime I looked at him, if he looked back, he wouldn't smile, just stare with eyebrows raised... I thought about it, then realized how it must look to him, seeing me looking at him (either it would seem like I'm pissed, or depressed), that wouldn't encourage any smiles from him either. So about 1/3 way through the period, I started to smile, not stupidly, but just in a nice, calm state. So whenever he'd see me, he'd know that I'm not mad at him. That helped a bunch! After that, whenever we'd make eye-contact, he'd smile back! Oh, I miss that so much!! but anyways. At one point, we were back to the 'making each other laugh first' thing. It was so nice to see him smile at me again... *sigh* but, we were laughing and joking (but it was all non-verbal, because we were on opposite sides of the room). I was joking around, being all happy because for once in my life, I was on the top row of the risers! I grinned like crazy, then finally, looked over at Rick, showed a big smile that showed my teeth even, and mouthed "I'm on the top row!! Yay!!" with an excited expression on my face. He laughed, mouthing a reply. He clamped a clipboard clip around his ear, showed it off to me proudly, grinning. I laughed silently, shaking my head, mouthing "Oh yeah! Very nice!". After class, we were able to laugh with one of the freshmen buds of ours, and seeing that we both still like each other, we were pretty happy. He found out though, that someone stole his bike (that's his only transportation of any kind, because his parents are but-heads and don't bother). So he had to walk home, most likely having to work too, and if so, having to walk all the way to the mall (a very long drive, especially for a walk) since he works at Mervyn's. I'm not sure if he ended up working tonight, but either way, he has no way of getting to school now...unless somehow his parents give him a ride. I don't know... Anyways. When I got on the bus after class, for once in a very long time, I was smiling, I was outgoing, I was happy! My buds on the bus noticed and seemed...sorta relieved. Only one of them knowing about us breaking up (she's one of his friends), and the other asking me why we weren't kissing anymore. Even though I really miss the closeness and intimacy of our dating relationship, if he's happier with things the way they are now, I guess I'll just have to deal with it...
 Short_stuff_dude · Tue Dec 05, 2006 @ 07:34am · 0 Comments |
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