.Lay with me, now.
Everytime I get the urge to write, I start listening to music, trying to get me in that depressed/angry mood that I love when I write.. But tonight I just have so many things I want to say, but nothing that would make a good poem, thing.
I suppose I could try, and just watch it suck, badly.
-----------------------------------------------------
Go away.
Leave me alone.
I want out of this home.
Yet I have no other options.
I have no ways of escaping.
Legal or illegal.
And of course..
No matter what, everyone just tells me no.
No, you are too young.
No, you can't take care of yourself.
No.
You need us.
But why?
When have you ever proven to me that I need you?
When have you ever been a good thing for me,
Someone I needed.
It's always been you who needs me.
Me to take care of you.
Or help you into bed after those late nights.
Stop denying.
You know it happened.
Just as you know you aren't well.
Why lie?
If you're so desperate for help, why lie?
That's just disrupting the healing proccess.
We all know those pills don't help,
Yet no one does a thing.
You take one after the other.
Waiting for that lasting effect.
The slight high..
Do you just make up problems when you visit the doctor?
Hoping for new drugs..
You're up to thirteen..
What have you told them about your life?
Have you ever wanted to say you are sorry?
I have so many questions for you.
But none seem to be important enough.
Your life is too stressful for answers.
Or perhaps because there are witnesses..
You can't let them to know.
You don't want anyone to know..
You don't want them to find out,
Just how fake you really are.
Well, hooray.
No one knows.
They all know her as that beauty queen.
Perfect and graceful.
She's a perfect woman,
Who has been corrupted by her daughters,
And the world around her.
The rush of life is just too great,
It knocks her down.
And there is always someone to help her back to her feet.
Someone to help point the fingers.
Back up her every move.
So why do I try?
If no one believes..
If no one cares..
Why do I try?
Because I have no other options.
Running didn't work,
What am I saying?
Running did work..
I got away.
I was the happiest I have been in years.
The safest..
And for once I felt cared for..
But I had to give that up.
I couldn't let them take my happiness away with worry.
So they won..
They managed to bring me back, sure..
But what next?
What do they have planned now?
Constant fighting.
They want to be right, but they are always wrong.
So we fight more.
Screaming.
Yelling.
Emotional Violence.
My heart is so torn.
I've never felt so much pain.
Never felt so unloved..
This is supposed to be a family.
Stable.
Somewhere I want to run to for support..
So why do I try so desperately to leave?
Must be that attention thing.
Yup.
I just love making my life up.
All for that attention.
Neither of my parents could be nearly as bad as I say..
I'm just trying to make them seem awful,
Trying to get people to hate them.
Why..
Why would I want that for myself,
Do they think I enjoy being told I'm wrong?
Or how about when they try to prove themselves right..
I can't argue, they have only one point of view.
So I'm stuck,
In my own 'make-believe' world.
Wishing for someone.
Waiting for anyone.
A chance was all she wanted..
Freedom is all I want.
Trust is something I don't believe in anymore.
How could I when the last six years of my life were a lie?
Then I just learn more..
I learn so much about this family from others.
But when I return for 'back up' they turn against me.
And as I try to finish this entry,
Tears slowly well in my eyes,
Because I hate remembering.
But there's just too much to forget.
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