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i pray for every night,
i pray for every day.
just for something to come my way.
as a shooting star passed by,
all my memories fly.
i see you in my dreams,
within the most enchanted forest.
by a window near the garden,
is you... my dearest.
if only what i wish for would come true.
for me just to reside right by you.
for every love there is a kiss,
and for every dream i will miss..
all the times i have the chance to have,
with you-- the love i have always wanted~
[poem made more than 12hrs ago]

re*flect vb 1 : to bend or cast back (as light, heat, or sound) 2 : to give back a likeness or image of as a mirror does 3 : to bring as a result <~ ed credit on him> 4 : to cast reproach or blame <their bad conduct ~ ed on their training> 5 : PONDER, MEDITATE -- re*flec*tion n -- re*flec*tive adj -- re*flec*tiv*ity n

1)to cast back~i do that, uh...in the mind, not physiclly as light...
2)i give back likeness of what i used to be like, and what i wanted...
3)i bring upon myself as a result of everything behind me....
4)i blame my past too much concerning my present
5)i do ponder about my past and how to change into a new future

yup, i'm caught in the past, and won't let my future hold.
i always stay up late one night, then sleep the next...it's sad. i always blame my past, i can't focus on the present. i always tell myself i'm going to do something and it takes months for it to actually happen...er.....or a long period of time. i said i'd do my work. it happened, but it took a few months. and i'm still lazy.like right now, i'm getting out of trying to do my hw, when my body's tired from practice. i also made myself out of getting situps/push ups right now by saying that my body's too tired..which i could do a few crunches...

i always look to my fantasy future...to have a great attraction/cling to something kool that only i would like. heh. but nope...others are there, and way ahead of me. and that brings me to the point of not even trying. but, i still try to get through. like today, track endurance "practice" ~they were arguing if it was distance, and Eva was picky and reminded me of me, not wanting to push too foward. hahax. but she has a faster jog and crap, so, bleh. i should have just gone to track speed..but oh well. u.u i sit here, messy room. probly gona clean it in an hour possibly. then start my hw, and end up not studying japanese or not able to do any of the japanese hw....bleh blah blah. as long as i do it...and i can get all the sleep i want when i get home. sure...sure....i might as well just do my hw right now...ok...let me goof around till like 2:45am~then i'll sleep maybe at 3:30 or 45ish? lolx. i need help in the following areas: japanese & geometry. yeup....need to speed up my reading...and...literary terms of biology..and improve health, but i'm getting there....very slowly, but i'm getting there.

of course, during practiceness, i was in the back wink like always. my thighs still sore. haha. each time i bend down to my BOTTOM locker... i have to hold on to the ground..haha, cuz i'm too wimpy to take the pain of throbbing thighs...but i can still run in them. hahax. gunbound is the only game i have~free~online~no cost but electricity.
today, i was glued to the tv. a lil smallville, then will & grace...10 o'clock news...and...well....uh...browsing channels ...then south park came on...then after it was drawn together...then after that it was the daily show.

hahax. very diverse group of shows. but yeah, barely catches me up? iono. i still like to be informed and humored. oh, before that i read Comic Party...a manga that Cassidy gave me as a late x'mas present. i was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY. cuz i wanted teh dvd i saw on ebay for that series 2 years ago. hahax. but teh manga still rox my sox. and the best thing is, i DIDN'T buy it. hahax. then she bought me the kanji "koi"/chinese uh...character? ~ for "love", she said cuz i always talk bout love and crap. hahax. true true. yeah, some asian guy just walks past me, reads it and says "oh. eh. ok. he's probly gay" hahax. no offense, just a retarted stereo type that needs to be burned with the others. like "all asians are smart". NO! not me...hahax. look at my grades, i had an "F" in history [cuz i was absent] BUT STILL! hahax. it'll be like a C- or something. bleh. la lal a...

monkies. rock. hahax.
what else.....i love that manga. it was so thoughtful to even think of getting a late present for muwah. hahax. it made my day. i couldn't put the damn book down. hahax. it's bout a guy commited to becoming a manga artist, even though he's in college, so he cuts to create some doujin [short for doujinshi~meaning underground comics] and yeah. blah blah...other details surround him that i'm too lazy to explain, but that's basically it. him trying to get by, a concerned down to earth friend saying that he's too old to care for anime and manga...blah blah...should become a "real" artist. oh i love that. hahax.

um...what else to say? oh...i wear the "koi"/love character/kanji like 23/7 [23hrs, 7 days a week].....hahax. someone needs to take a shower without ruining it....psh..haha.
myspace going under maintenance. blah blah bleh...i need to find some people to help me with my classes, and i may know who, just too afraid to bother/put a inconvenience on them. XP ~for japanese and geometry. ~sigh:: blah.

My number one dream is to.... no, not love...find a way to "express myself". i could do that many ways. by being me, show love, do what i enjoy...just being plain old Uly. but, something's missing. like a passion for something. sure, love's always been #1 on my "want now" list. hahax. but, i want something to put my time and effort on....like whats his name in Comic Party....comitted to making teh manga, expressing his stuff in his book. sure, i have so called "poetry", but i want to learn more....how poems are written, critiqued, and the best composure. so much for me to actually WANT to learn....just, i'm not able to. u.u aaaaah..i need food...maybe situps first then food. hahax.

sorry for long thing....i bet u just skimmed through this, or just skipped paragraphs if you're reading this sentence. hahax. i just need somewhere to put my blahed thoughts. somewhere i can run away to, that never goes away. somewhere that i can go to, to start new, but still be able to look to the past. here, in my journal entries. hahax.

don't you hate it? it's like, falling in love with a friend. it just happens. or wanting something so badly, but it's hard enough to stare it in front of your face. it's like that thing's there, but you can't have it. [kind of like window shopping....hahax].

nopes. me can't have none. well, a friendship's love. i don't want it, unless i intended the friendship to turn into love. hahax. i did that so many times, i find out bout their lives and they just become friends, and not an interest of companionship. yup, most of my friends are like that. hahahax. but it's kewl. la la la. the best love you can have is your friendship. you're not too afraid to do someting wrong. you know each other's skin inside-out.
that's why i feel as if i'm getting mixed signals from multiple peoples, but i just ignore it, cuz it's my own opinion. cuz i'm paranoid, thinking i'm special. yup. damn teachers telling us that we're special. yes we are, EACH ONE....yup. not JUST YOU. each person is equal. but, my brain, my journal. hahax

in my mind, i "know" that religion is just there to comfort the human mind. to feel a sense of belonging. the bible, most of the stuff is on famiy values. that's why they reject gay people and such. that before, you had to live with family and everyone's important. yup. where you're loved and needed. that some are based on fighting, mythologies...and even belief of superior being. but, only humans see those things. what about the animals, do they see a form of 'god'? i'd think they'd see a sense of superiority. the "kingdom of God" to the christians/catholics. why a kingdom. can't it just be "the land" alone? is it just another comparison? the galaxies are endless...and a new life is born. so, we have a heaven? that...is full of multiple souls born per day. so, when is the end of time? when no more humans are born? i feel as if my mind travels, and i don't think of myself...i look around the world, from the limited facts. in truth, i'm full of crap. if i were religious that is. but, superiority is known, as higher being, which we're only at the top cuz we have weapons over animals..where they live in peace. "we were born with the original sin". in catholic stuffs. i sometimes think...what about the future? they look back on catholic teachings as just a practice. that one day, we accept death and the only chance for one life and to enjoy it. the purpose for us being here? just to keep living and loving. simple pie..i think.

i hate being "rational" ~i like to kill that and float in "la la land". i have many sides to what is me. different parts that goes back in forth between factual and unproven.just cuz it's unproven doesn't mean it's not actually there. like a "God and/or Gods" ~or a heaven/hell. or even "life" after death. but what i want from this life, before I die, is a sense of satisfaction, that i helped other lives, and had fun with mine. Unbuntu~ "people are people through other people". i just want to live a happy life. of a normal person trying to achieve something good. blah blah. but i can't help but question multiple things. if we were back to olden times, i wouldn't even have time to question things. i'd have the need to live, which is in most humans. maybe it was the way i was raised? so many un answered questions, so much free time, so much blah/empty spaces in my mind. i think to much.

anyway...i still be catholic, looking for an answer to a god, or something higher than a human. but till then, i need something to fulfill my quest for something pleasing to my life. all i can do is dream literally and through the mind...oh well...

enough of my questioning and blabberng s**t. it's just i have so much time that i could use to gain knowledge to have a better life, yet i just keep thinking of new questions. oh well. it's 2:42am. i should get packing. i just keep refreshing ngo's xanga cuz i like teh song. hahax.

I search for the fulfillment of my life and to go deeper into it~

"i ponder, search and look... i don't find anything....i feel the breeze of the wind waft past me right by the village on the hill...it's as if i feel happy and sad at the same time. i am content, for the first time in my life i feel relaxed...as if the angels had come down to dance with me. if only they would come down to see my happiness, my loves, my friends, my family, my everything to see that i'm content ... not wishing for less, not wishing for more. it only lasted for a while and i will never forget, that breeze that was not to warm, not to cold, and not too much of anything..."

it's like feeling relaxed..like before you sleep. you're not happy or sad. you're just there, looking over the horizon on a hill ....
let's make something mythical/celestial now! hahax. first i need eyedrops...itchy eyes.....
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story in quotes....sound effects and narration aren't in quotes.... "~" marks the main character [i was thinking of that person as a female.hahax]

the person ran into the forest just to weep. ....no light is shown....it's dark.

~"i feel as if i have no purpose...why was i sent here? am i suppost to have a use? every thought i have, i get sadder. i wish i could just have even the simplest of purposes. i wish i was a tree to bring happiness at certain times, even though i am not as i give it... i wish i could show it to others, so that they would remember me....even if i were to go. i still."

giggles come from the forest, echoing and changing in tones....soft and loud both...

~"what's that?"

"so, you wish to become something that you are not?"

she lightens up a bit with watery eyes

~"possibly...."

echoes respond back

"well, so it shall be!" *giggles*

a light surrounds the person, and they float in the sky

~"aaaaah! what's happening?"

"you will be as you wished"

~"who are you? where did you come from? why are you doing this?"

"i am the heart of the forest. your truest dream will come true"

~"what about the ones of whom i love?"

"yes, that too!" *giggles*

~"i miss them already, and whatever happens, forever i shall be sorrow hearted"

"do not worry, you shall have the true essence of yourself"

~"i can't wait for the new life i shall have"

"i hope you do, because i'm getting sleepy" *yawn*

~"thank you so much"

"we all hope that it makes you happier"

~"we?"

a wind blows by, and gusts of leaves flow along with the rythm of the wind...
the light dimmed, and the body floated to the ground....

that person turned into a sakura [cherry blossom] tree.

eventually, that person's loved ones ran around the villages to search for them...
and they saw all of the green forests' trees turn to golden brown and snow white...

all remained but one tree, whos branches seemed to be growing, and blooming attempted...
the person's loves were astounded by the quick dissapearance of the lush green, and one tree left with the presence of a growing new tree...
one thing remained on the tree....was the family's mark.. right by the trunk, of which the person's clothes were left...

that person did get their wish..
as it blooms, it brings cherry blossoms to whisp around the beautiful sky during the day of certain seasons....
but expresses its sorrow of losing these blossoms...
and to remain bloomless for long periods of time...
till it's time again for them to return..
but forever shall that person's soul and essence remain...
to forever have the chance of blooming for others to heal their own hearts and hers as well...
all across the lands.
even as the tree dies, it spreads around the seeds of a new....to continue the healing...and to allow the sorrow....
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wow..... 3:12am....i love stories....always made me happy...always wanted to write/create a story...well, here's mine...and i wish it could be a short manga? hahax...maybe this'll be like an introductory, and the tree has powers or something. hahax. then it spreads to humans and blah blah or someting. hahax. i need to research the cherry blossom to do that...and the season it blooms, and maybe other feudal or previous myths concerning it. that's my new dream....i finally had something...hahahax. finally....hahax. i wish i could include the rose or something/tie it in somewhere.....cuz nature has always been around, through plants, since we totally need it to absorb the sun's energy/rays. well, i should get going....here's my new dream aside to love...i assume...or it will remain a fantasy just to partially complete this empty heart i have right now...at this moment...

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Uly