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Dairy Hat Diaries
A selection of random ponderings, meanderings, and other detritus from the mind of the man pseudonymed "Ryan Jakobi".
MiSTing: Sailor Moon Meets Hitler
Well, I'm thinking as long as I'm using this nice thing, I can show a sample of past works. Here's something I cooked up long ago, part of the Theater Riffing Krewe (TRK) MiSTing series that had runb on Web Site # 9. Not exactly award winning, but it certainly gives you an idea on what's going on. For te FULL version of this MiST, look at http://www.fandomination.net/?mode=fanfic&FanficID=61572:

CAUTION: Not for sensitive minds

(6-5-4-3-2-1-theater)
Adol: Garland, when Aldaris said "bizarre crossover", what did you
think he meant?
Garland: I'll just be happy if it isn't a SM/Dragonball Z gangbang.
Dekar: Actually, I wouldn't mind...
Adol and Garland: Yes you would.

> SAILOR MOON MEETS HITLER
(pause.)
Adol: This is new.
Garland: They rewrote history! Those stupid Japanese!

> The goose-stepping fanfiction brought to you by: Chibi X & General
> Slaughter
Dekar: Hey! The Sarge got promoted!
(Garland looks at him.)
Dekar: What?

> SCENE I
> (We join our favorite group of super-powered Japanese schoolgirls
Adol: Note out of character.
Garland: They meet Hitler. They'd HAVE to be.

> --except for those Japanese porno models, y'know--
Dekar: Well, I guess that was in the Japanese version.

> the Sailor Senshi, as they sit down to watch the most Nazi-riffic of
> all television stations:
Adol: The weather channel?

> the History Channel!)
Garland: Hey! They aren't Nazis!
Dekar: I dunno. They do seem a bit right wingish.
Garland: So?
Dekar: "Tales of the Gun" ring a bell?
(pause)

> TV: For the History Channel, I'm Roger Mudd.
Adol: For Biography!
Dekar: That's Peter Graves.
Adol: You can tell the difference?

> Now, strap yourself in for some goose-steppin' action in the way
> such as only the Nazis can provide.
Garland [Roger]: It's our Movie in Time, "Springtime for Hitler".

> We proudly present a History Channel originial: "The Nazis--A
> Warning from History...
All: DON'T EAT THE PUDDING!

> That Nothing Could Ever Be So Badass Again."
Garland: I think a** should come before bad, Roger boy.

> USAGI: F**kin' A!! This is my favorite soap opera!
> AMI: (Looking up from reading a book.) Uh...Usagi-chan, this isn't a
> fictional show.
Dekar: Like them?
Garland [Dr. Thinker]: Fourth wall no go sayonara yet! We just start!

> It's a documentary about real historical events. The Nazis were the
> National Socialist German Workers' Party which came to power in
> Germany in 1933 and continued their reign
Adol: Get your nose out of the Encyclopedia Britannica, Ami.

> under the rulership of Adolf Hitler--
Garland: Played by Tim Curry.

> the greatest man to ever live
Dekar: Yeah, I'd say that about Tim.
Adol: Absolutely. He rocks.

> --until 1945.
> MINAKO: So...that dreamy Adolf Eichmann was a real guy! Sweet...
Adol: Eichmann?
(Garland looks up in his "My First Book of Nazi War Criminals" book.)
Garland: Says here that he was some SS guy who killed Jews.
Dekar: Not one who you'd invite to your bar mitzvah, right?
Garland: Or anywhere else.

> REI: Shut your f**king pie-hole, b***h! I'm trying to watch this
> badass Nazi s**t.
Adol: They're showing German schiess videos now?
Garland: Gotta hand it to the History Channel folks. They got a good
historical library.

> MAKOTO: Right on, Rei--tell those Jew-lovin' hos what for!
> LUNA: Girls...what the F**K are you TALKING ABOUT?!?! Why are you
> loving Nazis and hating Jews all of a sudden?
Dekar: Check their medication.

> MINAKO: It's the latest trend in Japan. All the kids are doing it.
Adol: It's Naziriffic Pokemon! (pause) What am I saying?

> (Setsuna, AKA Sailor Pluto,
Garland: The dog?
Dekar: The one with the spear.
Garland: The dog with the spear?
Adol: The female dog.
Garland: OH! You mean the b***h.
(pause. Adol and Dekar stare at Garland.)
Garland: You know. Female dog...
Dekar: Garland, don't start again.

> walks into the room with some popcorn.)
> SETSUNA: All the kids are doing what?
Adol: Dasvincter says what?
Dekar and Garland: What?
Adol: Exactly!

> REI: Joining the Nazi Party and burning stupid, Jew-boy synagogues.
> SETSUNA: What?! Gott in himmel!
Garland: Ach! We must to Bavaria go! Ewidge Blumenkraft!

> (Setsuna looks at the TV and beholds the Nazis in all their badass
> glory,
Dekar: Replace bad with dumb and we'll agree.

> throwing up the bowl of popcorn.)
> LUNA: I'm glad someone has some sense about them--besides me, that
> it. These Ratzi programs rot the mind of young, impressionable girls
> like you,
Adol: Oh sure, and the endless stream of J-Pop isn't?
Garland: They're lucky. At least they aren't flooded with boy bands.

> turning you into Nazi murder-machines.
> USAGI: Yeah, pretty much. So, what's the problem?
> SETSUNA: The problem is that you're becoming racist anti-Semites.
All: Your point being...?

> (Suddenly, Haruka and Michiru--Sailors Uranus and Neptune,
> respectively--
Dekar: Taking breaks from their lesbian encounters. (pause) You didn't
smack me, Garland.
Garland: Bite me. I'm bitter.
Adol: Besides, the entire world know they're lesbians...

> stop by to see this conflict a-brewing.)
> HARUKA: What's going on here?
All [girls]: Luna is a commie! Luna is a commie!

> LUNA: The girls are becoming Neo-Nazi racists.
Dekar [Haruka]: Aw, they'll grow out of it. Remember Hanson?
Garland: Hanson weren't Nazis.
Dekar: Blond hair, blue eyes, come ON! How can they be not?

> MICHIRU: Racists? I thought you girls were mature enough to have
> learned to accept and embrace the differences between us.
Adol: Mich, this is about socalism, not bisexual rights here...

> We may be separated by our varying cultures on this planet, but we
> are joined by our humanity.
(everyone hums "also sprach zarathusa" wink

> Each one of us is unique and special in his or her own way--
> realizing this is a key element to truly enjoying life.
(pause)
All: BWAHAHAHAHA!

> REI: Just like a f**kin', carpet-muncher dyke to say that! F**k off!
> you're ruining the Hitler!
Garland: Get off the Hitler! For the love of God get of the damn
Hitler!

> LUNA: Dear God...
Dekar [God]: Leaveth Me out of thine crap, stupid cat.

> SETSUNA: Luna, I have an idea. A little history lesson might be just
> what these girls need.
> LUNA: Hmm...I'm intrigued. What have you in mind?
Garland: I'd suggest a bit of the Spanish Inquisition.
Adol: Done that before.
Garland: Really?
Dekar: Lin-Lin Chronicles.
Garland: Okay, that counts. (he shivers)

> SETSUNA: This. Listen up, Senshi! Since you obviously are having
> some difficulty in distinguishing the propaganda and the facts
> about Hitler and Nazism,
Dekar [Setsuna]: We decided to take you to Russia where there's lotsa big
a** propaganda!

> I think it might be in your best interest to experience Nazi Germany
> first-hand.
> MAKOTO: Shut your whore mouth, Setsuna--it's one of Himmler's
> speeches!
Adol: Himmler?
Garland: Michael Palin played him in Monty Python.
Adol: Oh yeah. I remember him now. He was very funny.
Dekar: Himmler or Palin?

> SETSUNA: How would you like to meet Hitler and the rest of his
> cronies?
> (Out of nowhere, Chibi-usa--AKA the Little b***h
Garland: Okay, for ONCE we're in agreement, bad and foul story.

> --comes in screaming and wailing like the little b***h she is.)
Adol: Using her cuteness as a cudgel, bludgeoning passersby with her
spryness and...
Garland: Adol, you want a time out?

> CHIBI-USA: What's going on in here? Is this some kinda lesbian orgy
> s**t or something?
Dekar: (appalled) Oh my! How did she learn such language?
Adol: She's been hanging out with Cid Highwind.

> Well, if it is, then you can suck on deez nuts, ho!
(pause)
All: Get...on...with...it.

> SETSUNA: ...Anyway. I'm going to transport you all back to Germany,
> circa 1941, so you can see how horrible Adolf Hitler really was.
Garland: Well, he was more eccentric than horrible back then...
Adol and Dekar: Stop supporting Hitler!
Garland: Sorry. Don't know what came over me.

> (In a blinding flash of light, Sailor Pluto unlocks the fourth
> dimension
Dekar: And in comes Dr. Who getting chased by a Dalek.

> and sends the Senshi--Usagi, Ami, Rei, Makoto, Minako, and Chibi-usa
All: For a three hour tour/ a three hour tour!

> --back to the land and time of the great Third Reich.)
Adol: But they made a miscalculation and ended up in the First Reich.
Garland [Usagi]: Hey, all the German hats look funny.

> LUNA: Setsuna...first, I'm not entirely sure about this plan.
> Second, why did you send Chibi-usa back with them?
> SETSUNA: I'm sure it'll work, Luna, and I sent her back because I'm
> damn tired of listening to her b***h-b***h-b***h all the time.
Adol and Garland: You should've thought of that a WHILE ago then.

> LUNA: Oh. Well, that's perfectly rational...I suppose.
Dekar [Luna]: Bit cruel, but rational.


> SCENE II
Garland: A police station in Bavaria.

> (The scene is the Germany-France border in the midst of World War II
> era Europe.
Adol [France]: We surrender! We surrender!
Garland [Germany]: What? We haven't declared war on you yet!
Adol [France]: We do not give a crap! Send a residual force!

> The year is 1941.
Dekar: A date that will live in infancy...I mean infamy.
Garland: A time where Mussolini was considered competent.

> Our brave heroines stand baffled by their situation, still dazed
> from the feeling of their bodies being ripped through the
> space-time continuum.)
All: Wouldn't you?

> REI: Uh...what the f**k just happened.
Dekar [Rei]: And why do I cuss like a f**king wounded sailor every
couple of lines?

> AMI: Well, it's really quite amazing. We were transported through
> time and space--a feeling I always find rather arousing
Adol: Her being the science buff.
Garland: At least she doesn't fall in love with Dav Cole in this one.

> --and landed in WWII Germany. Actually, this seems to be a little
> north of Alsace, so we're quite close to France.
Dekar: Noooo, Alsace-Lorraine is IN France, you silly woman!

> MAKOTO: I don't want to see no p***y-a** Frenchies!
Garland [France]: Ha ha! We fart at your general direction, prostitute
dressed Aryan-type people!

> (Suddenly, the Senshi--who, as they now notice, are all in uniform--
> find themselves surrounded by members of the--ha!--
> French Resistance.)
Adol: The most snappily dressed of the resistance movements at the
time.

> FRENCHIE 1: Viva le resistance! Sacre bleu, what do we have here?
Dekar [Frenchie]: Zut alors! CHEESE!

> Some red-light district girls? I spit upon you! Spit! Spit! *Hak-
> tooey!*
Garland [Frenchie]: Ha HA! My wit is larger than yours, simple
so-called Japanese type girl!

> (The spittle lands right on Makoto's boot and angered by this,
Adol: She does the sensible thing and files a complaint to the French Embassy.

> she proceeds to break the Frenchy-a**'s nose and fries him with
> lightning.)
Dekar: Temper temper, Makoto-chan.
Garland: I don't remember an a** having a nose.

> FRENCHIE 2: What is zis? Zese girls--zey have powers like none I
> have ever--*Ack!*
> (His speech was interrupted by the flaming power of Sailor Mars.
Adol: I dunno. Flaming power doesn't really...
Dekar: You're nitpicking again.
Adol: You stick with hentai, I stick with nitpicking.
Garland: I thought I was nitpicking.
Dekar: Forget it. Every man for himself.

> Too damn bad. Anyway, the other FR guys surround the Senshi, who
> proceed to quickly use their powers to slaughter them mercilessly.)
Garland: Funny. They're not surrendering.
Adol: Leave it to the authors to put an entire nation out of
character.

> SAILOR MOON: Let's beat these snail-eatin' bastards to a bloody pulp!
> Moon Princess Halation!!!
Dekar: My dear lady, do NOT use your inhaler.

> SAILOR VENUS: Venus Love-Me Chain!!! That'll round up these f**kers
> so Mars can set 'em on fire so they die horrible deaths by flame and
> hellfire!
> SAILOR MARS: Uh...okay. Burning Madala!!!
Dekar: Madala?
Garland: Molotov Cocktail.
Dekar: Okay. Never liked France anyway.
Adol [S.M.]: This is for Jaques Tati, you bastards!

> (The Frenchies die much as that ho Sailor Venus
All: HEY!
Adol: Killing France we can accept, but NOT calling Venus a ho!

> described. As they continue to kill and maim any signs of life they
> come across, a group of SS troops march by and, seeing the awesome
> power of the Sailor Senshi,
Dekar: Hopefully run away very friggin' fast.

> take notice of Sailor Moon's perfect Aryan physique.)
Garland: Fancy talk signifying that they're ogling them.
Adol: Hey, that's illegal! She's underage! Go away, stupid Krauts!

> SS 1: Vas! Der Uberfraulein!
> SS 2: (Pointing to Sailor Venus.) Und sie ist auch!
Dekar [SS2]: En Die Flipperwaldt gersput?
Adol [SS1]: Ja! Ich bein Berschliner!

> SAILOR MERCURY: Hallo! Wegehts ist ihr zwei, heute?
> SS 1: Guten tag. Ich bin prima.
Garland [SS1]: Wenn ist dan Bustenhalter?
Dekar [SS2]: Git und Slotermayer!
Adol [SS1]: Uh...Fukengruven?

> (They talk for a short while, then Sailor Mercury comes to report to
> the others.)
Garland [Sailor Mercury]: Uh...the first guy wants to see your breasts
and the second one wants some donuts. I think.

> SAILOR MERCURY: Hey! These guys are really cool! They want to take
> us to meet Hitler himself so he can congratulate the fine work we
> did on murdering those Frenchie bastards.
Dekar: Sure, that's what THEY say...

> SAILOR MOON: Sweet!
Garland [Mercury]: Uh...well, no. Those guys we killed were Vichy.
Adol [Moon]: Aw CRAP! We're dead.

> CHIBI-USA: What's the f**k's happenin' here, bitches? Why don't ya
> just take yer hands outta yer asses and tell me what the f**k's
> goin' on?
Garland [Chibi]: Shera! Where the hell's the goddamn tea?

> SAILOR JUPITER: Aw. Chibi-usa, are you upset?
All: No...

> We'll take you with us to meet Hitler--a hero for the ages.
Dekar: Well, in this area anyway.
Adol: Guess Churchill was busy.

> CHIBI-USA: Really? Well, f**k all y'all motherf**kers!!
> ALL: Aww...
Adol: She's so cute. I'm sure she'll get an up close tour of the GAS
CHAMBER!
Garland: Problems with Chibi-Usa?
Adol: You want the list?

> SAILOR MARS: So? Are we gonna go or are we gonna sit here licking
> our p***ies all day?
Dekar: That has gotta be one of the weirdest hentai set-up lines ever.

> SS 3: If you're offering... *Ahem* I mean, load up into our badass
> SS van so we can start on the trek to...the Wolf's Lair.
Garland [SS1]: Vhy are you speeking in unaccented Engleesh al ze
sudden, Fritz?
Dekar [SS3]: Shut up! I'm trying to score!

> SAILOR MERCURY: F**kin' A!!
Adol: See...the chicks LOVE those Volkswagen vans.





 
 
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