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No one can truly see the human inside me... ♪

| Mood: Depressed ☠️| Weather: Sunny ☀️ |
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RIP Chloe 2018-2025 🕊️🌈🌷

[ tw-pet loss ] It was so sudden, and despite increasing my credit twice to do whatever I can to bring her back to me. In the end, it wasn't enough she was in critical condition. The doctors told me in the nicest way possible, that she will not survive surgery. I had to let her go. [/ end of tw ]

The first couple of days I was struggling to find myself, in the grief.
I see, feel, and hear things differently. I guess that is what pain is, emotional flooding just breaking open the gates-suddenly, I am liberated from any sense of filtering within myself.

I do not tolerate much of anything anymore, nevertheless people.

I spent so much of life, doing what is best. Always in the best interests.
And this happens? You can bet I did curse into the sky, into my faith. However I knew this was just the pain, the resentment, and the irritation. I felt alone, and lost. All I felt, was just myself standing in this murky swamp, dimmed, and cold. For the first time in my life, I cried tears like I never had before. I had an emotional meltdown, thrashing, and shouting. Cursing up a storm. My heart rate definitely peaked. I had to let myself feel those things. I had to call a responder on the providers phone line, just to simmer down. The respondent was very helpful, and I hope I can continue to just "breathe" with good intentions.
What comes after is just a matter of practice, and recenter.

One thing I learned in my grief, is that time is precious.

I won't hop through hoops just to be seen. I won't pretend that I am okay, when I am not. I will love with all of my heart, and speak my mind of clarity.

I just want something good to happen, I am tired of last year, and I am tired of this year already 🃏.

All I can do is keep carrying faith, that something will flood my gates... but not through loss anymore. I had enough of that.