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I can't believe summer is almost over.
I can't believe that it has passed me by so quickly, or how much time I've wasted when I could be doing something else.

I'm going to be a junior this year.
A MOTHER ******** JUNIOR!!!!
It seems like just a few short weeks ago that I couldn't sleep at night because the next day was my first day of middle school. I can't believe it....I just can't. I hope that the rest of my life dosn't pass me by so swiftly.

And yet, even though I'm almost a junior, and getting letters from colleges daily, I still haven't figured out what I want to do with my life. I wanted so badly to be an egyptologist, but my family has talked me out of it. Theres no work for me there, especially now with the kidnappings and the wars. Theres nothing good that could come from me being there.

I want to fly, I've said it for years, but as I keep thinking about it, the more I want it to happen. I want to be a fighter pilot, I want to be up there flying with the rest, with nothing but the clouds as company. The notion seems so real that I can almost taste it. I want it so badly, yet at the same time, I want to attend college, I don't want to go straight from high school and into the marines, even if they would pay for my college, that would eventually entail leaving the marines. I want to do something meaningful with my life, something with substance, I want to be able to look back and think that the roller coaster was worth the wait. I don't want to squander my life and have nothing when it comes to the end. I want to help people. I want to solve problems and be able to feel accomplished at the end of the day.

Thats why I'm thinking about psychology. I know with a psychology major, I could return to the marines as an interrogator or a spec. ops. fighter, but theres still that need, that want to help others, and I don't think fighting in this war, perhaps even dying for this war, would help anyone or be seen as anything other than brash stupidity or reckless behavior.

I just suppose that I want to have my cake and eat it too. But can you really blame me? Can I blame myself? I'm just so confused right now about it all, and saying that I still have two more years to decide won't help. I need a decision before I go crazy, I just want to feel a sense of resolution, so that way I'm no longer just stabbing in the dark, I can actually aim and work for my goal.

....I'd love to be a writer, but my writing and pittiful drabble is nowhere near good enough to get me out into the professional world. It just wouldn't be enough, and my art work is the same. Just like my music, I'm picking up the guitar fairly quickly, yet I know that I'll never be geniously brilliant with it. I just....

*sigh*

I just don't know. Like I said, I'm just so confused over it all. Almost to the verge of tears. (I've been weepy all day....well, the past few days, and Ban surprisingly hasn't been giving me hell for it. I guess she understands it more than I do....I dunno.)

So, thus concludes my slightly depressing, and rather confusing journal entry. I hope you enjoyed.

Quotes of the Day: To Dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself.

and

You are never given a dream without the power to make it come true.

(rather inspirational quotes considering what I just wrote)
>.>

*sigh*

-Tani