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So yeah, mom got back from nassau this week. She left thursday and got back tonight. Within a few minutes of her being back I was already missing Nan. I know it sounds bad to say but I was. I wasn't upset that mom had gone to the damn bahamas in february while leaving me here....I was pissed. And I mean really pissed. To the point of screaming pissed. It wasn't so much that she left without me, but that she left with Scott. I really just don't enjoy his company. Mom's always like, he treats you like a daughter, he really likes you. Thats why it bothers me so much. I feel guilty for not liking him hardly at all. That and the fact that I feel like mom is practically using him to make her life easier. I feel bad for disliking him and knowing that I shouldn't. I wish he just didn't "like" me at all. That way the feeling would be mutual and I would at least have a decent reason for not liking him.

But who can blame me, I don't like any guys in my house. No matter what it starts out like, it just ends up with my mother away or on the phone constantly for months before she starts spending all of her damn waking moments with the guy and then a few months later bitching about him constantly. Then they'll eventually break up and I'll be stuck with her moping or bitching or some other s**t that I don't want to ******** deal with. I don't trust men, experience has taught me not to with my own damn life, so why should I like any guy that comes into this house? The most I can ever think about them is "temporary". Thats why I don't date, flirtation is fine, a few sexual experiences....fine. But god help me when I actually date the person. I feel enclosed, claustrophobic, untrusting, and I just hate being around them and gaurd myself from them. Thats why,even with the offers I do get at school, I turn them down. I don't like feeling like s**t just to date someone. Kasey just thinks I'm in a dry slump, but none of my friends ever get on here anymore anyways, so it's ok to type all of this out without caring about who the ******** sees it.

So yeah, when mom got back tonight, she had a few things for me (nothing really nice, just a few tourist trinkets) she got me a starfish (which I would rather it be back in the ocean alive than in my kitchen preserved with formaldahide), a keychain, a pen, a game set (which I actually thought she got from a cracker barrel down there or something, a box of magnets, a black t-shirt that says nassau on it, and a coconut shell turtle that moves when you pull a string. I appreciated the thought, but in all honesty, I would have been happier with nothing so that I wouldn't feel like I'd missed something at all.

Mom accused me of being selfish because she wanted Scott, her, and me to go back to Nassau this Fall so that I could see it, even though they've both already been, and go to Atlantis (even though she promised that WE would go, just the two of us) and do what ever I wanted. Just because they feel guilty for leaving me here in the ******** cold. I told her that I didn't want to spend 4 days with Scott because I can barely stand to be around him for more than a few hours. And she got all pissed because I didn't want to go and leave him sitting on the beach alone, even though hes paying for most of it. So you know what, ******** IT!!!! I'll go on my own damn time when I can afford it. Even if I have to go by my own ******** self. I'd rather go alone than to go with them. I'd rather scrape and scrounge to get up enough money to go than to use Scott to go there.

So go ahead, call me selfish, I don't give a damn at the moment. I have the right to be as selfish as I goddamn wanna be. Mom started guilt tripping me with all this s**t about how she could have moved in with scott by now and how we could actually afford to do things on our own, but she hasn't because I didn't want to go. Yeah, call me old ******** fashioned because I didn't want to move in with a guy that I've only known for 6 months!!!! So, yeah, mom's first night back ended with her crying in bed and me pissed as hell. What a wonderful family this is. i really do just wanna punch the hell outta something, but I can't because I have to ******** bowl tomorrow.