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June 2, 2006
I feel so horrible. Everything is just so messed up. I'm tired of other guys liking me. I just want Kaz back. I wish they'd all go away. Jon is mad at me now, saying I cheated on Kaz. I went and met Aystyn at that cafe but it was the night before we started the don't talk to Kaz for a week thing. It was when he had said he was breaking up with me, and no second chances, and all that. Of course I still wanted him back but I was so sad and felt so awful and lonely and missing him that I just decided to go because he wouldn't talk to me anyway. I shouldn't have gone. I shouldn't have told Aystyn about Kaz being mad at me either. And now I don't know if Kaz is mad over it or not, Jon won't tell me anything, and he acts like the two week thing is still on, but I don't even know for sure, because if Kaz feels like I cheated on him then he might not go along with it anymore. I'm supposed to be proving I can be a good girlfriend for him. And I already made an excuse when Aystyn asked what I did this weekend, because when the two week thing was agreed on, I had hope for Kaz, and I wasn't going to hang around with some other guy, especially since I wouldn't want Kaz to do that to me. Especially since that's what makes me worry the most, I'm afraid Kaz will find someone he likes better. And now I don't know what to do. I don't know what Kaz said about it, or anything, because of the stupid week thing. But I have to keep that up to have any chance at all with him. I feel like everything just gets worse and worse. I'm just going to stay home until this week is over and things are settled between me and Kaz. And then once that's done, I'll tell any guys that like me, or ask me out, or anything, that I'm taken, that everything is fixed between me and Kaz, and that I can't see them. I want Kaz to trust me as much as I trust him. I wish he wouldn't get so mad and say he's breaking up with me because then I just feel hopeless and get where I do whatever because I don't know how to get him to come back and not be angry anymore. So today... Jamie came over, and then Jenna too. My mom had bought some wig earlier and she looks weird in it. She's got hair, I dunno why she wanted a wig, except she doesn't like her hair or whatever. But I think she regrets getting it because she doesn't know where she'll wear it. Jenna tried it on though, and we went and showed her mom, that was pretty funny. Everyone was seeing how they looked in it. Very weird. We came back to my house and just sat around and talked and stuff for a while until Jenna had to go. Then Jamie was watching TV and this was when all the stuff with Jon saying I cheated on Kaz happened, and after that I just couldn't concentrate on anything else. I feel so worried and sick. Jamie found some little Uno game I have with itty bitty cards so we played that until she had to go. And now I'm just hoping I can get through the week and that Kaz will take me back at the end of it, and I can quit worrying so much. And maybe if he does okay and finishes those classes, I can look forward to the rest of the summer again. I still want him to come here so bad.
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