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I guess I am going to start adding to the journal because no matter who I talk to I just end up feeling stupid and alone by the end of my rant.

I have very unique thoughts and feelings on a lot of different things and I just end up annoying people I talk to. Sometimes I talk to people about my feeling and problems just to talk and just so that I feel heard. Sometimes I dont want opinions or for them to agree or disagree.

So I am going to start writing my feelings out and bacily talk to myself. I feel so alone when I talk to my boyfriend we are on completely different wave lengths and it seems to bother him when I am just saying my opinion, he feels like I am trying to push it on him, some times I can get pushy but most the time I just want to be heard "agree to disagree" I hear it a lot from him and then he stops talking to me....

I guess I am hard to please in a lot of ways, I feel lonely a lot, right now I dont have many friends and the ones that I did have seemed to have taken my Ex's side on things. I broke up with my last boyfriend because he couldn't tell my why he loved me, he said that I was nothing special.... he also has the need to lie and hide because of his own personal issues that he kept trying to push on me. He praposed and told me I was the only one he had ever popped the question to, then latter I found out from a few people that he had paposed to like 2 girls before me, and now hes lieing to me about having another gf that he has asked her had in marriage to. Hes probably lied to her to. He blames me for stalking him and has made it hard to even talk to him, I wanted to be his friend and often asked him if he wanted to hang out, go for coffee, a walk, anything. He dosent want to be my friend and has made it quite clear, hes said some hurtful things. On top of that because my friend has taken his side I dont know if I am going to be able to continue getting money, I was using her address because they will take my money away if I am living with my mom sad its a lot to worry about.

I am currently trying to get money together to become a dog groomer, its not the best job it wont get me a huge house or anything like that but its something I could do and enjoy, it could pay the bills and give me an ok life. Not sure if i'll get there but I will try ^^.

I recently upset my boyfriend.... I got mad because he was posting bad things on facebook about a girl that just killed herself. I got mad and guess was being to pushy with my opinion.... he stopped talking to me... stopped talking completely for 4 whole days. He didnt talk at all not even to his dog. I felt so lonely. I felt bad because I seem to make him feel worse than anyone else. He says that 90% of the time I make him feel better then anyone... but I am not sure if I can get over that 10%. I think I got him to start talking again, long story short I gave him something that meant a lot to him and he agreed to start talking again. When he was not talking I told him I wanted to go on a break, but recently he told me that he ignored every thing that anyone was saying to him, so he didnt hear me say that we were on a break. He was kind to me, hugged me kissed me, bought me a book as a gift, cooked me dinner and brought me food... even though he was being so nice I felt utterly useless alone and scared, I cried a lot, I hate crying it makes me feel weak but I couldent help it. I tryed a lot to get him to talk but in the end its when I gave up that he started to talk again. I went out for the whole day because being around him and not being talked to and being ignored hurt. So I went out and shoped around went to dinner with my mom, I missed him and he bought me a book and I wanted him to know that I was thinking about him so I bought him something that I though he would like and in the end I guess it helped.


The fight is over now and he seems happy and is happy to be talking again.I am Happy to hear him again, I love his voice, I was so happy I wanted him to keep talking as I fell asleep but I was a bit overwhelmed and was to tired to tell him, he talked once in a while, and helped me go to sleep.

I cant help but to still feel bad though.... He sent me his journal over the 4 days... some of the things he said, the way I made him feel... Is it right for us to be together when both of us are very morally different... its in my nature to try and stop bullys.. to stick up for things I care about, but my thoughts and feelings are very different then his and I guess both of us feel morally compromised by the other, he has never said that but thats how I feel at least, some of the things he dose and says are monstrous in many ways by my standereds. The weirdest thing is, hes not like that in person, he just says that s**t on line to piss people off, he says "I hurt a few but I make a ton of people laugh, and laughter is helpful so I am being more helpful then harmful" what he dosent take in to account is I am one of the "few" that he hurts... but he dosent care he hurts me or them as long as he gets people to laugh. In a lot of ways I dont feel valued... not only dose he do that on line but the small things I ask of him he dosent seem to want to do for me small things like "I feel lonley while making supper please come and keep me company" things that wouldent hurt or bother him in the least to do or not do like keeping his dog off the bed, his dog sheds a lot.

I talked to him last night and told him that I would back off and leave his computer life alone. Let him "troll", if he puts more effort into the small things I ask of him irl. He agreed to this, I really hope that he can keep to his word, because I think it will help me a lot and make me feel more valued as a person. My plans are to just write in my journal about what hes says or doses on the net, just to rant, Rant in a way that he cant hear and it wont hurt him, but my feelings will be out there. I dont know if this plan will work, I hope it dose, I hope that I can keep my opinions to myself and just leave him alone. I hope by writing in my journal that the horrible feelings will go away or at least fade. Sometimes the things he dose and says... make me feel like my insides are rotting away, it makes me feel horrible. I just dont want to feel horrible anymore sad

But I couldent even begin to tell anyone how much I truly do love him... I dont want to leave him... my soul feels complete when hes around, his touch feels like no one else so far hes the only one that I have felt complete around and the only one I can be myself around.... but the rotting feeling when he dose that stuff....... I hope I can make that feeling go away....