Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Hiei saved me. If it was not for Hiei, I'd be locked up in some insane asylum somewhere with half a face and all of my hair torn out.
My mother would be dead, as would my father and "brother"(A.K.A. The piece of ******** that follows the car) but not because of suicide---I would have murdered them, and a damn good portion of my class mates and teachers too.
But Hiei prevented all that. Soon he will be the only thing important to me in my life and he will truly become my reason for living, my Yukina, my smile. He taught me how to cry again, even to hold my eyes just a bit higher off the ground. And so it pains me--my inability to ensure his happiness (with the whole "Just an amine character" thing and all....)--to see him so troubled at times....All I want is for him to be happy, I want him to smile, like I do the other person I love in this life, my mother.
But soon she shall finally die, with all her happiness dead inside what was supposed to be me, with all her dreams crippled by her forgotten side, she will die with out one shred of joy because she gave it all away to her children.
And what did I do with that joy?
I threw it all away, with my weakness.
With this way.
With my ugliness.
If I had just ripped away that ugliness while there was still something there, maybe, just once, she wouldn't have to force a smile, and instead just cry.
And cry.
But Hiei told me not to.
I listened, and do not blame or hate or sympathize with him for his Very Rational Suggestions.
So when my mother does die, finally after a life that was supposed to be so good but turned out So Wrong....So Hopelessly Broken....She will go to were ever pure self sacrificing innocents go and she shall smile at all around her and she shall look down at the beautiful world and you know what she'll see?
She'll see me.
Me.
What I Really Am.
And then you know what?
She'll never smile again.

For I've been told that I do not know of pain or sadness.
That I can not possibly comprehend its empty touch.
That I smile too much to.....
But on those days, the only days I can really recall, at times, on those days when the person I love in this world goes and sits herself down in front of the window and stares and stares at everything she'll never be and what will never happen, when she stares and stares and won't speak or react to anyone or anything, to me, and when she stares until she finally sees
what she is and what she has become, when she sees...

Absolutely Nothing

....How can you say I do not know sadness...?
Can you not see?
Here she is, sadness, sitting right in front of her daughter, waiting-like she has the whole of my existence, beacause of my existence-waiting to die.
Sitting down, sadness is, with nothing but me.
Me.

And look, I can't even save her.
I can't protect her.
I can not stop her pain.
But death, death can.
Until she sees me, right?

You know, you know when she lost her hair, when my beautiful mother lost her long flowing wavy hair, do you know what she became?
"Ugly".
So ugly that everyone wanted to see her ugliness.
Gawk at its hideousness.
at her scares, at her baldness, her pathetic sight.
You know, you know what she did, don't you? My beautiful mother?
Sadness?
Do you know what Sadness did?
She cried.
And Cried and Cried and Cried and Cried, right then and there--every time--in the grocery store, the mall, the drugstore, the World.
Every time.
And you know what the world did?
do you know?
They stared at her ugliness.
They whispered and mocked and laughed and sympathetically smiled and they stared.
They stared and watched my beautifly ugly mother cry from their eyes, and no one, not ONE, of them,
stopped.

And you know what?
I couldn't stop them, either.
I couldn't save her.
I can't save her.
I can't protect my mother.
Not from the truth.
Not from my ugliness.
Not from the world.
And do you know what else?
I can't make her smile, either.