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I haven't really done one of these in a while so where to begin?
I've been busy with personal matters lately to be able to get on like I used to.
Hell, now I hardly touch my computer anymore. Its kinda weird, but also refreshing.
On top of that I have somewhat controlled my insomnia, among other things. So it feels really weird to be up before the sun rises, though I cant complain. I never really have seen a good sunrise. I always see the setting sun. Luckily that has changed. Though I still like sunsets. xp
I have just really felt defeated. I feel like a loser and I am not afraid to say that. I have been in a depression for a good while and I am tired of it controlling me. I mean I have this anger and I thought back on why I have it, and where it came from. I think I found my answers and through this I've become.......sated. Calm. I sure as hell am still not happy, but I at least can smile and mean it. I feel empty. Like I have a chunk of me ripped out and I desperately want that chunk back. Though I am in no position to seek it. I am stuck. But instead of becoming frustrated and angered, I can see the way I need to go. The destination I want to reach and slowly but surely I will reach it.
But I really have to ask myself. Will I reach it alone?

Sometimes I feel like I am a lone wolf in a sea of sheep. Other times its the opposite. Dont get me wrong. I love my friends. But are they true? Will they be there if i need them?

So far there was really only one person that I ever felt I could trust, could feel safe around. My heart yearns for a safe zone. But will I ever find it?
Its really hard to distiguish my feelings right now as I have a hell of alot pent up and slowly its finally releasing. I realized. I miss my brother. My elders. I miss the warmth you feel when you speak with those you love. I miss just that. Love.
Love is just so damn hard to find. I mean the genuine kind. Not that juvenile lovey dovey crap. There are no knights in shining armor, No princesses to be saved. But there is still love. The kind where you feel this......well. Warmth.
And dammit why is Queen stuck in my head. stressed