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Its been a while since i did a journal. Mostly I have begun to write things in an actual journal but seeing as how I cant find that journal, and I haven't posted an entry in a while I may as well post here. I've had a lot to think about in the past year. A lot of pain. A lot of happiness. But mainly loneliness. This leads me to wonder why I have not sought out a cure for that. Then I really thought about it and it hit me. I am afraid of relationships. Not because of the unknown. But because of what I am going into. I'm afraid of myself. That darkness in my heart. So many of my friends have counciled me on how to fix it. But it never goes away. I'm afraid of it because i don't know how to control it. Fear it because it helped ruin one of the best relationships I have had. This darkness tears me apart from the inside and I cannot heal it. Nor can I find any who can. I miss love. Love is something I need desperately. But there is no one who will give it, or those that do I cant bring myself to go any further. Call me broken because I am. But there is a spark in me I see. A want. A need. It tells me to keep going, keep searching. One day you will find what you seek. And damn it I plan on it.