She’s always there
In MY Dreams!
- Journal Entry 43
I’m going to see her again. The girl from my dreams. Alice. That’s her name. Though in my dreams she’s called something else. She is someone else. Charolette. And in my dreams we aren’t strangers, not like we are in …well real life. And, there’s something so familiar about her! In the dream I know her but beyond that dream, and when I’m awake ….I know her because of the dream. It’s crazy. Reminds me of something like Alice in Wonderland. Would that make me the mad hatter then? Have I travelled through some tiny hole that takes me to another world when I lay my head on the bed to sleep? Or, is my mattress some device that transports me to another world? I’ve never head of a person dreaming in story form. Not that it’s something I’ve goggled. I’m sure I can find people that say they’ve had the same experience, but you can’t’ believe everything you read on the web. What I feel is just to real for me to make some public mockery of it. The next thing I know I’ll have people knocking on my door ready to take me into the Looney bin after tracing my ip address. I watched the Matrix I know what the government is capable of.
I just wish it all didn’t feel so real.
Do you remember in entry 24, the way I felt when Charolette was getting married? It was like a betrayal. But, how could a woman that I had never talked to betray me? I’ve been confused about it. I guess that’s why I started to keep a journal about them, the dreamlike version of me and Alice. But, then you know all about that. You are the journal. I feel crazy…writing in a book, talking to the book as if it could talk back. What could I possibly hope to gain by all of this? Maybe someone will think it’s interesting create a story or a movie! Not, that I would ever share this with anyone else. I don’t even think I could share it with Alice. I’m sure she’d think I was crazy and never say hello to me again.
It’s crazy. I’m obsessed I think. I stop at the coffee shop, even though I don’t drink it just to see her. I feel stupid walking up to the counter to get a cup of hot chocolate, especially when I have a cupboard full at home. It’s borderline obsession.
For some reason I can’t resist her, wanting to be around her…not in the dream and not in real life.
Josef closed the tattered black journal, tucking it between his mattress and box spring. The twenty-three year old was getting ready for yet another day on the job. He was a sales-clerk and certified tech at a local Apple Store. He sold MAC, I-pods, I-phones and a host of other Apple electronics and accessories. Last month he had been employee of the month. It hadn’t been a first. Josef was an electronic junky and he loved selling what he thought was the number one computer to customers. He was a geek on many levels. Outside of the computer world he wasn’t entirely skilled with holding conversations. What he was actually was shy. Not painfully so, but it did take him a while to warm up to people. That was probably the reason he hardly ever went out. A lot of times his co-workers invited him out to bars and clubs but he only managed to let them talk him into it once a month. It was all of the time he was willing to give to the entire scene. Besides, what did he need a girl for when he got to come back home and dream about a woman like Charolette.
I’m not stable.
That was the only logical explanation Josef could come up with. What guy the age of twenty-three would rather sleep and dream about a girl rather to go out there and find a woman? Yup, there must have been some trauma in his life when he was a child. His mother hadn’t been as open as she let on! And, he had yet to call her for the week! Josef knew just how much his mother liked to be kept in the loop on the happenings in his life. You would think after getting married and having two other kids outside of her eldest child, who was indeed the product of a love gone wrong; she would have enough on her plate than to worry about her son. But, nope, not his mother. He would have no such luck. Josef wouldn’t be surprise if she was already looking for tickets online to make an emergency trip to visit. How his step father put up with it he had no idea. But, the man was still married and in love so he must be able to handle her. With a sigh, Josef picked up his phone. Yup you guess right. It was an Apple I-phone! Hey! It was logical! He worked in the store and got discounts. Plus, he was a certified tech who could fix the phone if anything went wrong. This was a good investment not a waste of his money. Walking out the door with his headphones plugged into his phone he headed to work!
Josef was dressed in his work ‘uniform’. Black shirt with the company logo across his left chest, black pleated slacks and matching black shoes. It was a bit daunting all the dark colours and it made him look more than washed out, but it was work! He didn’t get up thinking how great he could look for work. In fact, beyond being presentable he didn’t really give much attention to his appearance. Sloppy dresser? No he wasn’t! What he was was not obsessed with the way he dressed. There were only two things in life that could really hold is attention…okay three; Computers, his dreams and his family. Food didn’t even make the list and he liked to eat so that was a shock! But, if he ever had reason to lay down his life for anything it would be those three things…not in that specific order but close to it! He didn’t even have to give his feet instructions as he walked out of the apartment building he had been living in ever since college. That’s right ladies and gents he was indeed a college grad. Life hadn’t shined much fortune down on him after college hence the reason he was working in the store front of the Apple shop instead of in the head office. But, life just happened that way some time. At least he had a job. With all this talk about recession he was sure he would have seen some cut backs. Not, that he thought he would have been cut. He was good at what he did, and he knew it. If he had been let go he would have gotten the shock of his life. Maybe it would have given him the courage to start up his own company repairing computers on his own, like he always said he would do. Oh well just another dream on hold….no big deal. Six blocks and two street lights later, he was at his destination. THE coffee shop. Nerves, they collected in bundles from his toes straight up to the thick matt of black hair sitting on the top of his head. Every time he saw Alice, he felt as if the wind was being knocked right out of him. There was an instant jolt of attraction that went beyond anything that should have been real. Physical attraction was to menial a word to label it. And, it was far beyond lust. It was what he would like to call an attraction of the souls. But, that was him being fanciful. Those twilight books were really getting to him. How he’d even managed to get caught up in them was still a wonder. It had to do with his sister always referencing them and him not having an idea what she was talking about. To keep ‘in’ the loop he read the entire damn series and was just as love sick as the rest of the world his age. Soul mates seemed a beautiful thing to believe in once again. Love was once again romantic and pure and all about love minus the other half equalling death. Josef felt as if he’d been dead all the while; until now. Now, he was finally living and it was only when he walked into this store and saw her, recognized her. Or, when he was sleeping, and he’d often heard sleep was the cousin of death so it amused him that death was the place he felt most alive. Ha what a morbid little creature he was becoming.
The raw scent of coffee beans, caffeine and early morning adrenaline hit him at once; it always did. His senses were bombarded as he walked to the line that had already gathered at what? Nine thirty. This was good though. This was good. It would give him enough time to just look at her. He had yet to see her. Was she even in today? He couldn’t tell. There was some six foot ten giant in front of him with shoulders the size of a line backer blocking his view. He hoped she was there. Could anyone say Emo Stalker? Every time he came into this coffee shop it was like sinking into a pathetic version of him self. And, yet, here he was back again for one more glance, one more smile, one more accidental touch of fingers over the coffee cup. In this version of twilight he wasn’t even the Edward; he was the werewolf. What was his name? It began with a J....that much he knew. Hell it could very well be Josef; instead of Jacob. JACOB! Yup, that was the name. Jacob the werewolf that was emo over a girl that was pretty much in love with someone else. Wooopie! That sounded very much like the story of his life. Well...being the emo guy- not the whole love thing. That would move him from stalker to psycho. Hell he and Alice hadn’t even had any real conversation; they hadn’t even been on a date. The only thing he did was come into the coffee shop and buy hot chocolate, stir up a bit of conversation and leave. It would take him months to prepare to ask her out. Going by the wind of his pants, or sail of his pants...blowing in the wind....just wasn’t his thing. He had to have a plan. Organization was the key and if he didn’t have a plan well it was like he was lost. Spur of the moment was so unlike him. It was because he was not sure of himself, or so he had been told. This could be the reason why in his dreams he was sure, more of a manly man. Right now he bordered on wimpy man. No wimp was too strong a word to use. He wasn’t a whim he was simply cautious-thoughtful even.
He was getting closer, to the counter that is. In his head rung a silent mantra, let her be there...let her be there. His days were that much more interesting when she was. Now, if only broad shoulders would move out of his way, then he could get a look for himself! It figured his luck would have him standing behind the only giant in the city! This was the life he lived, the most he could do at this point was accept it and wait while everything unfolded around him.
Am I really the
Guy Warrior She Needs?
