Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I wish to show you
The blood rollling down my arms
I've clawed so much
My arms bleed
It doesn't hurt
Not to me
Because what you've done
Have hurt me much more
Just leave me alone
Let my fall to the ground
I want a pool of blood around me
I want to die
Just let me die
I am sick of you

~

Yep...well well where to start.

I guess it's because my parents...now both...are just being evil. My mother now thinks that I belong in pshycward(sp) because I sometimes claw myself. Yes I do claw at my arms and I am no afraid to admit that. I can't help it though...it seems to make the pain of the mental scars go away for a while. It feels...nice. If only I could die. Then I could feel no more pain.

Does anyone dserve such hatred as to be talked behind your back by your own parents? To have them speak nothing but horrible things about you and think that way? Is it fair for someone who tried so hard to be rewarded with scars? Is it fair that they wish to send someone away for finding something to bring them peace?

They tell me I'll never finish high school. I never intend to live that long. All my life (sixteen years) I've never had a real will to live. Nothing to cling to, no real reason to feel alive. My exsistance is a cursed mistake. Nothing is good enough, my efforts are worth nothing. I am sure many people would be happier if I was dead.

Does a rose hate it's thorns? Does the moon envy the stars? Can a person hate themselves when loved by others? How is it that there are so many things that bother me? Why is it that I am so weak as to give into my desire to claw at myself everytime my parents upset me? Or anyone for that matter. Maybe I should explain where my clawing came from.

It was study hall a few months ago I think. So my grades in US History sucked, my teacher starts bitching at me through half the period. I have a chain-thing and started wrapping it tightly around my wrist, taking it and whipping it against my wrist. I found out that it didn't do the job evntually, so I went to clawing myself. I'll never cut though, I don't have the will to.

You know...I feel like I should be writing a suicide note. So very much then dieing. Just...to be left alone I don't want anyone around me anymore! I want to sit alone in a corner and cry. I'm sick of everything! My parents, people, I'm sorry to my friends but I'm sick of them too! I mean I know my friends care and I'm sure any who read this will b***h me out but please understand!

I'm not sane! I'm not normal! I'm not stable! I'm insane, depressed, and slowly dieing. There has to be a way to die. A not to painfull death. I want that, something quick and painless. I'm sure I'll find one before the end of my senior year. I'm sure I will. Now all that is left is...when do I want to die.

~Shadow

PS. Yes I am probably going to kill myself before the end of the next school year. So to those close to me thank you for everything. I probably won't be talking much for a while...

~

Left dieing I see it
The darkness that comes
Consume my soul
Take my away
The pain is finally gone
At least I'm free
Now f*ck you family
I don't have to deal with your lies
You're mental abuse
I'm free now