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im at school right now. i was reading one of my favorite books, "the long hard road out of hell." its manson's autobiography. he was talking about some chick that he ********. he said he now he has that knowledge that anygirl who likes him must be crazy. now, ive read this book many times but i never thought much of that line. but this time i took a seconed and thought. i always kinda thought of myself as a normal person. ppl who know me are probably like "wtf? are you serious" yea im serious. i know its a little odd but i have thought of myself as a normal person just with a few quorks. when i was in 7th grade, and i realized i had a crush on a girl..dude i literally cried myself to sleep-damn...no one knows about that!!! no one!-i just keept thinking 'no!! im boring, im normal!! ect ect. (god this is pathetic) anyways..theres that...then the cutting thing..i dont do that anymore but i still like it. i love scars, blood, biting (the whole vampire thing is just awsome in general)

now im at work..today when i got on the bus i sat there and i started tinking. first i was thinking about ashley. tuesday she saw the scars on my arm. she said that i had lied to her about cutting. but i hadnt b/c she asked me about it before i started cutting. then i was talking to her she said she wasnt mad or dissappointed. she said she was sad. damn. then i was thinking about my ex. when i was with her she said that she loved me. i even remember he mom saying that she liked me b/c i made her daughter happy. then when i broke up with her (i wont say why) she was crying. really bad. that made me feel like s**t. and even tho this happened in febuary i was thinking about it and i felt like such a b***h. really. i mean i felt horrible for making her cry like that. i was thinking about all this stuff on the bus and kept feeling worse and worse and worse. i had my pen in my hand and i was playing with it...just thinking. the last time i hurt myself i used my pen cap to scratch my wrist until it bled. finally i shoved my pen in my back pack so i wouldnt be tempted. grr...it was so hard! at this moment im trying not to scratch my wrist thin my finger...i cant believe that after i stopped doing this s**t now im tempted agian. but this time im stopping myself for more that just my mom getting mad at me. it really hurt me when ashley said that it made her sad that i was cutting. so for you ashley, im gonna stop. i hate making ppl hurt. im sorry. i wont do it agian. i promise!


oh yea..one more thing. i talked to alexis and apparently peggy ran away. but its ok cuz she did it all the time and apparently it was alexis' fault that she ran away. stare (sarcasm)