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whoa, just read my journals and i feel like maybe i should start to take advantage of this. Indoor track started yesterday, and it was more fun than swimming, but thats not what this journal is about. Im really glad sam finally has a crush, but it just reminds me of mine. Last year in outdoor i met this really cool girl, and i wish i actually did cross country too, cus she had done it that year but i ducked out of it just before it started. Outdoor track being at the end of the year didnt give us much time to make friends, but i made alot of progress, so much to the point that i had developed a massive gynormous crush on her! im not much a person for noticing highschool crushes, so idk if she ever felt the same about me, but looking back on last year, maybe the frequent yet surprising hugs, the coincidental meetings in the hall between EVERY period, and the "i love you"s shed tell me every so often in the hallways, maybe she did feel the same for me, but thats over now. I had finally gotten texting for my cell phone the last day of school, but its not like i needed it. We had exchanged numbers awhile before and we'd chat. After the school year ended, her and her friends happened upon my house after, i dont know, like 5 times trying to find it! well, that was basically the last time i saw her all summer. I tried contacting her throughout the entire summer, but to no avail, shed always just kinda give small little replies. i guess, about halfway through the summer, i found out she had a crush on the biggest d**k in the school, but i still didnt give up hope, i thought "maybe itll never work? ive still got a chance come cross country!". Cross country practice over the summer started and she started practicing on her own instead of with the team, and thinking about it now, maybe she had been trying to avoid me just as much as i am now. Well, she eventually came to a practice, and i could tell she was really exhausted. After awhile, she never came back, and, as it turns out, she joined volleyball instead. School came around, and i inevitably saw her in the halls, and i eventually found caught a glimpse of her and the biggest d**k in the school walking around...they seemed closer than friends. Eventually i even saw them kiss, and my world kinda crashed. I found a way to bury my feelings for her, but they still seem to seep through. its hard to see her and her friends in the hallway, i just wish i could forget them and not know them at all. well, leave it to Peterson to finally decide to get to know me this year, seeing as we have classes together. she eventually pried out of me what i just spilled out here, and thus, digging up the skeletons i had tried so hard to bury. wish i could just forget this whole crush thing and get out of this whole funk. the girl i had a crush on joined indoor track, and now its inevitable that we'll have some sort of contact, but i just hope any contact will be avoided for as long as possible, but at the same time, i wish i could stop worrying about all these little problems and just go back to how it was last year, before summer. tommorrow is the 2nd day of indoor track, hopefully nothing will happen or i dont know what ill do, but im not th kind to go crazy and cut myself, im stronger than that, i hope...

i still remember the first time i actually spoke to her. it was so out of the blue. It was after an outdoor meet on a rainy day and i was waiting in the back parking lot to be picked up, just like everyone else. i guess im not rly a normal kind of person, so i started jumping in puddles and eventually, i turned around and saw her jumping in the puddles with me telling me how funny i am or how weird i am, just giving me compliments...maybe there could've been something. another memory that sticks in my mind was i dont know when this was, but it was justme and her walking down the the global/history wing hallway, and i was coming from the the technology wing and she had come from what looked like the cafeteria, but anyway, i remember she had to be atleast a few classrooms away from me, but she just yells out "andrew! i love you"...now this is starting to sound like im making it up or remembering it wrong, but im almost positive that was what she said, or maybe im just telling myself im lying because i dont believe shed say anything like that to me. well, maybe ill get over this eventually, but i kinda dont want to, cus then its like im killing off the most important part of me. i used to wish something would happen between us, because she's basically the girl of my dreams! she can snowboard, which i alos do with my venture crew, and guess who happens to be in my venture crew? one of my crush's friends! hopefully she doesnt invite her to come snowboarding with us, but i also wish (desperatly) that maybe she will, but i think the reason i wish she wouldnt be invited is because i dont know if she will be, and i dont want to get my hopes up that she will be...

well, im starting to crazy by repeating myself over and over again, but maybe this will go away eventually...i hope it does, but at the same time i dont...my heart and my braing seem to battling over which option i should go with. should i forget her or live with the pain knowing that ill never be any closer to her than i am now. i just hope i dont become a stalker xD

ah well, til next time~