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So it's no big surprise that for the longest time I've wanted to moderate the site. It was an aspiration, something that I believed would be the zenith of my Gaia experience. I believed early on that the purple and green colored names were a badge of honor, fame and glory, that it was something that should be worn with pride and something that I ultimately wanted. Eventually I moved on, realizing that it was often times not the most pleasant of work but still something that users should respect - most are people with problems outside of their own life and to spend free time dealing with other people and their's is to go above and beyond. Even through this, I wanted to change my plowshare to a sword, take arms, and join in a never ending struggle. I had shifted my desires from attention to wanting to help others in ways most users couldn't.

I did what I believed was right - I helped users, answered questions, reported threads. I was courteous and kind, never wishing to offend and always wanting to serve. I inquired thought provoking questions, either from peers or superiors. I followed in, from what I could tell and believe, the foot prints of men and women made giants that I had been in league with.

Through this all I experienced Gaia. I made friends, participated in discussions, partook of events. If there was something to do, chances are I had done it, were doing it, or will do it. I even went so far as to promote myself at Anime Expo as to meet the people I had conversed with or heard about.

And so, time went on. People I knew and acknowledged, thinking to myself things like "They would be great as a moderator" or "Why haven't they been modded yet?" to potential candidates, obtained their colored names. Eventually, knowledge came my way and I learned that Gaia had instituted a rule about age requirements for moderation. Still I persevered, realizing that my time will come, that I should still keep up my good report.

Then, on July 19th of last year, I completed the 18th year of my life. I was excited. No longer was I considered a child. No longer held by a curfew. No longer needing parental consent. I had been taking in the impact of that day weeks before it occurred, both dreading that loss of closure and security and anxious for freedom.

Quite luckily, fate gave me a late birthday present - an announcement from the admin on August 1st. Applications to be considered for a moderator position were being taken and only members of the age of majority need apply. With excitement and consideration, I answered the questions with honesty. As with all of Gaia's activity concerning forms and business, I figured that time should be permitted for a response. And so, I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And as I waited, life moved on. People, friends, forum regulars and strangers alike all moved on. They moved on. Myself? I have not. It has been some eight months since that day in August. I've questioned myself and my desire. Still, even with time ever becoming constrained with next year and a mission looming, I had a hope. A hope that I could help, that I could once again enjoy a happiness that had faded.

Today, I questioned that hope. I slipped. It has fallen and I am unsure if I want it to get up. Unsure if I want to continue attempting for the carrot attached to a stick, ever dangling in front of my face.

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