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I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been feeling so angry and resentful lately, and I hate that. I hate being angry and I hate being hateful. It's weird. And I haven't been as trusting as I'd like to be.

I know, to some extent, I trust a lot. I trust more than I probably should. But there's just a little doubt behind it all. And I can't stand the fact that I can't make that doubt go away, but I'm so scared.

I keep thinking, "Did they really mean what they said? Are they going behind my back and doing/saying mean things? Do they even care? Should I be worried they're gone? Should I talk to them? Should I ask them about this or that? Do they even LIKE me? Do they want me around?"

Crap like that.

It bothers me so much that I feel like that, but I can't help it. I try, and I push, and I work to trust someone and feel like...They could NEVER hurt me. But then they do something, or say something, and I start backing away, and I'm wondering if I misplaced my trust and I doubt and doubt and I'm eaten up by it all. I mean, like, I say "Love ya!" or something like that and they don't return it and I freak out and I think about it all day, and I want to ask, but I feel like if I do they'll get mad or my fears will be met, or just anything.

Above all, I am afraid of rejection, of not being loved. I may not THRIVE off of love and affection and attention, but it gives me the WILL to keep thriving. And that's probably HORRIBLE of me, but nothing else seems to spark it, other than wanting to keep going for someone else, but that still has the hope of love and affection behind it. And this doesn't even have to be intimate, relationship love. This can be...like.. Praise. Or the love of my friends or people I don't even KNOW.

I'm so willing to throw in my heart and soul but if I think for a second, even if it's just a stupid imagining, that something bad might happen, I'll dive in and get them out quickly to make sure they aren't harmed.

At camp they had this meditation class where they told you, "You're walking down the road...your road may be bumpy, or smoothe, or have ups and downs. It could lead up into the mountains or be in a beautiful valley..." etc and then they mentioned, "You are carrying something...What is it? Is it a burden? Is it a gift? Is it light? Is it heavy? Is it soft? What does it feel like? Is it rough?" etc

Immediately in my mind I was walking on a rocky, bumpy road, going up mountains, luckily for the time surrounded in a beautiful forest, but my feet were still hurting from the road and all I wanted to do was stop, and in my arms I was carrying something that was heavy, but it was a gift, and despite it's weight, it was soft and fragile. If I so much as set it down, I was afraid it would shatter. It was chipped and scratched and had deep markings in it, there were names all over it, some scratched out, some fading, some freshly written, some that I couldn't get rid of even if I wanted to because they were scorched, burned into the surface.

It was my heart.

They said that as you were walking someone was coming up to meet you, they said it was Jesus, but I wasn't sure who I really saw. It was like...the silhouette of someone who meant a lot to me. They offered to carry my burden, my gift, my heart. But I was so scared to let them. I was so, so scared. But I let them. But the entire time, I was hovering, watching them, asking them if they were going to take care of it, asking them if they were going be gentle, be kind, or if they weren't, then to not leave their name burned into it. I asked them, if I wanted it back, could I have it? And if they broke it, could I at least have the pieces back so they wouldn't KEEP breaking it?

Was it mine to give freely?

Or would it be taken away?

Just imagining that...

It was painful and made me realize how scared I was and how distrustful I was.

I don't want something so valuable, so fragile, and yet so heavy to be harmed.

I sound like such a stupid romantic, but I am one. I'm hopeless, I'm lovesick, I'm stupid, I'm trusting, I'm distrusting, I'm afraid, I'm on such a long road and I have burdens all around me but this one is always here.

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I'm sorry guys.

I'm so stupid and I'm constantly acting like this.

Honest, I am happy. For the most part. Aren't I allowed to have my moments?

I dunno.

Just don't say anything bad about this or lecture me or tell me to stop it, because I'm not going to listen to you. I needed to get this out... I needed to.

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Love you all.