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Saturday, March 19, 2005

Alright, I'm gonna limit who I let see this site thing as soon as I figure out how to do it. But here's my first real entry-mind you, I'm going to use this as a journal.

Some people think I'm very simple and some times I myself wonder if they're right. It could just be because I don't get out much anymore and thus barely ever have anything to talk about. But I do have things on my mind. All the damned time, my mind never stops running. These are usually emotional things, worries I have that I wonder if the rest of the world would want to hear.

Right now this worry is love. Again. I know, anyone who knows me and reads this is gonna go, "Oh jeez, Megan, gimme a break." Murph...but it's different. I gave my heart to Mike, I gave it to him without thought and that was the worst thing I think I've ever done. I...should have listened...to alot of people, but mostly my inner voice. Maybe if I did speak my real thoughts more than I wouldn't always be lacking in the common sense to listen to them? Maybe. It's hard though. Jarrod, I...I love him...but it's soo gaurded that sometimes I can't feel it...I mean I KNOW I love him and I know he loves me, dear goddess do I know. But I gaurd my heart so much, I don't want to...I just don't know how to take the gaurds down. Maybe this doesn't make sense. I think...when he tells me he loves me...that I get...withdrawn because Mike said it not soo often and when he did I guess it was never really true. What he loved was being able to ******** me whenever he wanted and when I say ******** I mean ********, there was never any emotion behined it. Some things he did that I let him do really cause revulsion in me now. But...-Sigh- Jarrod I don't want to hurt. I'm ranting on and on, avoiding the point, erk...

Jarrod I don't want to hurt, I love him in a different way than I loved Mike. I love him more along the lines of caring for him, wanting to encourage him, wanting to make him happy. Mike it was blind love, young love, and my first love. But when Jarrod says he loves me I just stare. I just stare right into those wolvish eyes and see his heart bleeding out of them.

Oh my god, I'm crying.

Is this my addmitance that I know he loves me? I can see his eyes right now...It's scary that he can give me what I wanted when Micheal scrambled up my heart, he ruined me, really. He made me lower my expectations and made me lower what I wanted from my love. Very low. And that's why he ******** Cassandra. When he knew he had decayed me enough to the point where my heart was too ruined for me to have another comfortable relationship. Ehh...Jarrod is not what I deserve...what I feel like I deserve.

Jarrod is perfect and kind and patient and will sit with me and pet me whenever I want and will hold on to me and tell me how much he loves me and actually have reasons why. He's perfect...I only wish I hade met him sooner.

My one perplexation is that he won't say the F word involving certin activities, he doesn't like the term sex...nope, Jarrod sticks with 'making love' and I've practically seen him cringe when I used such casual terms. It makes sense to me only because it's what I used to say, used to ask for and used to want.

I remember...hah, when I told Megan about my first time, which had involved be shoved up against a dresser...hah, Megan said, "No, you did it all wrong; it's supposed to be on a bed in the candle light and all romantic." And I was shocked because what she'd said made me regret it. But who cares...

Now I have my candlelight bed n.n