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Saturday, June 03, 2006


Well...here I am again
Why do I always have to hit walls?

1. I'm fat again.

2. I'm not content with reliogious choices again.

3. Manipulating people, becoming more like society, seems very easy for me.

4. I find myself full of hate at times. Controlled rage that I ride out and I'm starting to drown in it a little.

I think I hear the dor to the complex opening. Jarrod must be home. Well...at least I have a new apt (since no one watching me would know) and I have AC and a bed now. I hear that Jane has cancer and I can't say she doesn't deserve it. I'm very tired all the time and concerned with money. I have an ear infection adn this Pagan thing seems to have lost my interest. I remember starting out with it as a search for family but honestly I think I'm turning it into a way to scare people. Goddess strike me, avert their eyes and please set me straight. I wish for my mother sometimes but I think deeply of her and realize she is a child who just wants it perfect, to be taken care of. I want that too, but I have to take care of myself. There's no one else who can help me do it. I see everyone's faults, sometimes I make a log of their waknesses in my head, like I need to remember in case they attack me or something. I'd know, know where to hit the hardest.

Why am I always ******** up one way or another? Will I always be such a miserable person?

Sometimes I want people to like me and I feel that they are telling me I'm bland. I have high empathy, I can basically smell lies now, high observation skills are things I utilize as well.

I woder if I should abandon religion for awhile. Wicca isen't something I'm sure I can follow. It's so diet light religion. Even Konstantinos is light in his own way...I don't think any one who follows the Wiccan way would ...go through life as I do. "In perfect love and perfect trust," it's soo empty, holds no hopes or meaning for me anymore. It's a lie, humans are NOT creatures of trust, we breed hate and destruction and personal gain is our constant goal. I hate the people that have been in my life. Pat, Jane, my uncles, my family, my foster sisters (aside from Chirstina), my teachers, old peers, people at my job. I hate them, I hate FAKING for them especially. Once I ran out of work ranting of how everyone hates everyone, wears masks, and backstabs for personal gain, fakes themselves. What would the world be like if no one wore their masks?

I am a disgrace to the person I used to be four years ago.